she had to stop thinking about it. the anxiety flooded her head continuously with fear and rage and illogical thoughts. she was trying so hard to be nice and be complacent and be agreeable and be happy and cheerful and get along with him. her loss of control over what she thinks is "everything" fucks her up even more.
too many things happening at once.
too many questions to answer at once.
too many decisions to make at once.
she left to hide and calm down. it doesnt work. her adrenaline is pumping too high and physiologically her body wont calm down. there is no control over that. nothing safe anyway.
he comes in to comfort her but she has none of it. the panic sets in. the knowledge that the more she panics, the further she pushes him away makes it worse. he tries to help her the only way he knows how but its becoming the opposite of what she needs.
yelling and frustration make it worse. everything makes it worse. she screams and threatens to hurt him before he can hurt her. that's the goal right? hurt them before they can hurt you. you lose either way.
he calls her insane and goes to get air.
she grabs the keys and runs out. speeding away as fast as the green lights can turn. she has no where to go. driving around for 17 minutes leads to a quiet street in the middle of town. she parks and listens to music to calm her down. her heart still races a mile a minute. she tries to meditate, but can only think about how out of control she feels. reclining back in the drivers seat she attempts to sleep. at least for a little while.
she dreams about the sad little girl she is. how pathetic and sad she is. how hurtful and terrible. how she doesn't deserve anything. how much longer can she pretend to be ok.
hours later she slowly pulls into her driveway. slowly sneaks into her home. slowly slips into bed. alone. he is giving her space. she's not sure its what she needs, but it will have to do.
she cant stop thinking. sleep isnt an option. gaining control of her mind, her thoughts, her self is the only thing that is of concern. but she cant stop the flood of memories. the prospect of new memories. the pressure of making everything perfect and everyone happy. she knows its not possible, but her self wont accept it. her mind wont shut off.
sunday is the anniversary of her attempted death.
12 years later she is still trying to let it go.
12 years later she is still recovering.
12 years later she is no further ahead in her battle through the dark.
Your Guide to a Stress-Free Property Cleanout
2 weeks ago
1 comment:
I think, for a lot of people, it's a lifelong fight. And it's a fight for life.
People who don't experience these feelings, who don't study them, who don't have people close to them who suffer from them, often don't get it. Even after being my closest friend for 15 years, my best friend doesn't always get it.
I think, it can take time for other people to learn what the best responses are, what the other person actually needs.
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