end of month one

K, so lets re-cap shall we?

January 1 i set some goals.

January 1-31 i attempted to keep said goals.

let's see how i did:

Goal 1:

Finish two (new) books that have been sitting on my shelf, waiting to be picked up. I have a habit of buying books and not fully reading them because something better came along in the meantime. I judge books by their covers too. Shame on me. So i finished one book. my bad. insert excuse here. here is what i did read: The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld. i give it 4 stars. out of 5. it was a little boring getting into it, but once the murdering started to happen i was hooked. i had trouble putting it down in the last 300 pages.

Goal 2.:
Lose 8 lbs by January 31st. Small goal, hopefully plausible. I mean, very plausible. think positive and about how amazing you will look in your wedding dress. this one makes me mad. i did try. to no avail. it is the time where i am usually fat from my period, so it could be weight from that, but seriously. i didnt lose a thing. boo-urns. now i have to work twice as hard next month. not happy.

Goal 3:
Eat healthy during the week (approx. 2000 calories/day) and get 'one ruin your diet' day on the weekend. shame on me for this one. i actually forgot about this one. though i did eat very well, in terms of no major binges, or huge helpings. i did drink more than i wanted to, which wasn't a lot, but it was more than i wanted to drink this month.

Goal 4:
Write updates on this blog at least every third day. High 5 to me! i think there was only one 4-day break, but i was out of town, so that doesn't count. plus i did a two-posts-in-one-day, so that should make up for it. i give myself a gold star nonetheless.

Goal 5:
Complete 20 push-ups every 2nd day. NO EXCUSES! I did this and even better. I did push-ups at least 5 times a week, and sometimes i even did more than 20. my bi-ceps are slowly growing. pretty soon, my arms will rival maddona's.

Stay tuned for new goals tomorrow!

Falling Far From The Tree

I ate an apple today.

This is a big deal because:
A - my 4 food groups usually consist of sugar, chocolate, candy & more sugar
B - i generally only eat apples if they come in the form of pie or crumbles or juice or candy
C - when i buy fruit, it usually gets eaten by ry or goes moldy before i get around to eating it

I ate an apple today.

I think i have finally reached adulthood because i am feeling the need to take better care of my self, to live my best life (oprah must be really getting to me), and to treat my self better. those probably all mean the same thing. i guess what i am saying is i want to cut back on having cookies for breakfast instead of feeling like i should. i want to do 30 push-ups instead of thinking about the 20 i 'will do tomorrow'. i want to forgive and forget and move on instead of harbouring hate and anger inside of me.

i ate an apple today.

last night i went to the market and picked up some veg to make dinner: prosciutto, havarti, fresh basil and cheery tomatoes drizzled with balsamic. best. salad. ever. tonight i am making mixed greens with goat cheese, prosciutto, almonds, cherry tomatoes, & raspberry vinaigrette. and i will eat it. and finish it. and like it. (i can't lie, there will probably be some Lipton's Side Kicks involved cause creamy bacon carbonerra = super yummy goodness)

i ate an apple today.
i think i am growing up.

Mailbag

Dear Sunshine,

Thank-you for coming out today to give me the boost of vitamin d i so desperately need. I wish you could stay out forever (except at night when you need to sleep).

Love, Paste-y white Me

*******

Dear Lower Back,

Please stop pinching my sciatic nerve. It is not fun. I understand you are broken but i cannot fix you. We must find a compromise because it is still winter and I need to be able to bend to put on my socks.

Painfully yours, the cripple

*******

Dear Facial Skin,

I know i shouldn't have, but I *did* use that sample of Biotherm on you. I forgot how bad you react to it. But seriously, it has been almost a month and you should have cleared up by now. I am getting married in 225 days and i need you to look your best. A spotty forehead, ruddy cheeks and and red patches do not belong on you! What will make you happy? What will make you be the best skin you can be? Please tell me so i can fix you in time for the big day...

Begging for your blessing, Zit-face

*******

Dear Kitchen Counters

I am sorry that i rarely see you. I am sorry that i keep you covered in dirty dishes most of the time. I have a severe dish-ue and i need help. I wish there was a magic pill that gave me more effort to keep you clean, alas there is not. Therefore you will continue to hide under a pile of dirty utensils and plates.

Shamefully, Homeowner

Ghost Cat round 2

I get distracted easily, especially on weekends when i have so much pvr'd tv to catch up on. My previous post was meant to tell you about ghost cat, but i went off on a tangent about the real cats in my home cause i was distracted by amos and watching re-runs of the jersey shore.
So... we have a ghost in our home. well, a ghost cat in our home. he has been around for a couple of years, but has recently become way more active over the last few months. probably because of amos and his rambunctious shenanigans.
you might think ry and i have a case of the crazies. but we know ghost cat exists because on more than one occasion we have seen (in our peripheral vision) a blur of black run down the hall and both of our kittens were either sound asleep or at another location in our home. one time ry was in the kitchen washing his hands and ghost cat across his feet from one end of the kitchen to the other. when he looked into the living room, amos was asleep on my lap and enzo was asleep on her cat perch. both in positions that would be impossible for them to be in had they just been in the kitchen. occasionally when we are trying to fall asleep we will hear cat cereal crunching coming from the feed-dish in the kitchen, but both cats are in the bedroom - one nesting at my feet, the other at the window, watching the world go by.
i have felt ghost cat walk behind me, on the back of the couch, while i read or practice sudoku. i have felt ghost cat run past me just before enzo comes hauling ass into the room. i have heard ghost cat purring very softly and neither of my real-life fur babies are in close proximity.
ghost cat is not scary. ghost cat does not do scary ghost things like surprise you when you least expect it. ghost cat is low maintenance and will hopefully remain that way. i heart ghost cat.
when i capture a picture of ghost cat, i will post one - just dont hold your breath - he is very fast.

speaking of ghosts - if you have not had the chance to watch ghost hunters or destination truth, i highly recommend you do. watch it in the daytime with the lights on and you'll have nothing to be scared of. i promise.

Ghost cat

i break the law. i live in a 'no pets' building. but ry and i have two cats. they are the funnest pets ever. i heart them very much.

Enzo is the darker one. and Amos is the one with white socks. we caught this rare cuddley moment one afternoon last year. i have yet to see if happen again, but i like to think that it does when we are not around to see.

*******

amos was my birthday present last year. he is such a little sucker for love. i have never met a more affectionate cat. he was taken from his mother too early, so he likes to suckle things. mostly fleece, occasionally hair. he can knead and suckle for ever. it makes his heart happy.

*******

enzo is the independent cat. she will only love you on her terms. not that there is anything wrong with that. she has her moments where she drops character and her true yearning to be around humanity comes out, but she is just as content sitting on her pillow in a zen-like state. i guess she is more of a guardian angel than the hug that amos is.

i love these two creatures so very much. they take care of me just as much as i of them. they brighten my day (and sometimes disturb my self), but i wouldnt have it any other way. wait, scratch that, a little better sleep would be nice.... anyhoo,,, i am blessed to have such a wonderful little family and i appreciate them in my life very much. end rave.

The story without a point

I am really bad at recognizing celebrities. They pretty much have to be wearing a nametag and be surrounded by the paparazzi for me to realize 'hey, you actually are so and so.' There have been numerous times when ry and i have been out and aboot and i said, 'hey there is -insert celebrity name here-!' only to find out i am completely wrong.

Last night i went to my favorite shopper's drug mart to pick up some meds, pick up a parcel at the post office and get some water (yes i drink bottled water; yes i know that there is nothing wrong with tap water; yes i recycle the bottles; yes i feel a slight tinge of guilt whenever the 'forever in a landfill' commercials come on; yes i prefer the taste of the shoppers drug mart spring water (and ONLY that brand/type of water); no i dont care if you judge me). After picking up the parcel from the PO, which happened to be big enough to take up half of my basket, and awkward enough to not be able to carry in my purse, i spied out the corner of my little eye a tall and muscular man of color. yum, yum, yum. (ry is fully aware of my drooling over men of colour, and i have permission to look). so i casually get closer (we totally needed materials to make lemon pie... we did!) and to my surprise this hunk looks surprisingly familiar. and his rippling biceps are something i could stare at for the rest of my life (sorry ry!) i am not a fan of the gawk and walk, so i grabbed the rest of my groceries and went to get my water. i suddenly realize who i think the chocolate hunk is: Tommy Europe, former BC Lion and co-host of Bulging Brides and The Last 10 Pounds.

Shit. not only is he dreamy, but he's a health-nut. there goes my chance. here is where it gets fun:

The water is on sale.

i drove to the store.
therefore, buying more water than i can carry is a good idea because i dont have to walk home with it.

the water jugs are in 4-litre bottles.

the jugs come pre-packed in 4-bottle cases.

16 litres of water is heavy.

i have been working out.

i carry the 4-jug case, my full basket, and my big purse to the front of the store.

oh shit, i need eggs.

i also have a bad back.

i have just come from the chiropractor.

i 'know' my back can handle some exertion.

i awkwardly and gingerly grab the eggs.

i balance the eggs precariously on the top of my basket, whilst carrying 16 litres of water and a big purse.

i go to stand in line.

hunky, rippling bicep hottie is the last person in the 12-deep line-up which is wrapped around the store.

hunky, rippling bicep hottie speaks.

to me.

something about ' that looks heavy, you are welcome to go in front of me'

i was hoping for a 'let me help you with that' or 'look at me flex' or 'i want to have you right now', but i will take what i can get.

slowly the line starts moving and slowly my body starts screaming in pain ' what were you thinking? you are not this strong! you can't manage this! you are going to break the eggs, or drop the water on someones foot or knock over the display of gum!' but i was a trooper. i managed to get to the front of the line with as little strain plastered on my face as possible. then the lady at till one calls for the next customer, which means i have to squeeze past 4 other people who are paying. so i manage to wedge myself past everyone, bumping people and items on display the whole way along. (i said sorry and excuse me, so hopefully no one thought i was too much of an ass).

nothing thrilling really happens next. in fact, nothing really happened during the whole excursion. i am just proud of myself for standing in front of one of the most fit men in the city (if it really was him, and i am so pretending it was, even if it wasnt) with a heavy load of groceries without crying or dropping a thing. high five to me.

The Obsession

I have a problem. and i am the first one to admit it (it's the first step right?). i watch a lot of tv. i mean a LOT. prior to getting a PVR i kept 4 6-hour VHS tapes on rotation so that i could tape everything and be able to watch it all. Ry and i live in a 570 sq ft apartment and we have 3 tv's. at one point i wanted to install a series of mirrors in the hallway so that i could watch tv while in the bathroom. (the room is too small for a set fo its own, unfortunately). i calculated it out and on average i watch about 45 hours of tv a week. (my FULL-TIME job is only 35 hours a week). i fear going away for long periods of time cause i dont trust my pvr to not erase something i really wanted to watch. i am super nervous about going on my honeymoon cause it will be during season premiere time, and i hate missing out on those first episodes of the season... pathetic, i know.

my (continually growing) list of shows are (in no particular order):

1. Gossip Girl
2. 90210
3. Melrose Place
4. Heros
5. House
6. Ghost Hunters (if you dont believe in ghosts, watch the Manson Mansion episode and tell me if you change your mind)
7. Destination Truth (the host - Josh Gates - is the bravest man i have ever seen)
8. Hoarders (though this may be dropping from the line-up soon as its super repetitive)
9. American Idol
10. So You Think You Can Dance
11. So You Think You Can Dance Canada
12. America's Next Top Model
13. Canada's Next Top Model
14. Britain's Next Top Model
15. Modern Family
16. Lost
17. Community
18. Parks and Recreation
19. The Office
20. 30 Rock
21. Fringe
22. Grey's Anatomy
23. The Simpsons
24. Family Guy
25. South Park
26. Biggest Loser
27. How I Met Your Mother
28. Survivor
29. The Bachelor (i am ashamed about this one)
30. Project Runway
31. Project Runway Canada
32. Dexter
33. Weeds
34. Saturday Night Live
35. Amazing Race
36. The Apprentice (occasionally)
37. Worst Week
38. Canada's Worst Driver
39. C.S.I
40. Ghost Hunter's Academy
41. Oprah
42. Jersey Shore (super ashamed about this one)
43. Paris Hilton: My New Best Friend
44. Kenny vs. Spenny (occasionally)
45. Ugly Betty
46. Wipeout

Not to mention:

• all those one-off shows that only last one season but involve a bunch of bitchy girls living in a gorgeous mansion vying to be the next big thing. Love the drama.
• Ry's shows
• Movies that i always wanted to watch but never did and they play on tbs like 6 times a day
• re-runs of Seinfeld, Robot Chicken, South Park, Simpsons, Family Guy etc
• all the bridal shows i have been obsessed with watching to help plan with my wedding

So as you can see i have a problem. But i am damn proud of it.

The Headache from Hell and a weekend round-up

After scrubbing my toes this morning in the shower i stood up and experienced some of the worst pain i have felt this year. Knives of electricity stabbed my brain for about 3 minutes. it felt like 9 hours. the pain eased off a bit, but then became like a vice, squeezing my cerebrum in a slow, methodical rhythm. it's been 4 hours and the throbbing has yet to sub-side. it's not as strong as earlier, but robust enough to make me cringe when there are loud noises and bright lights. i want to lie (lay?) in the dark buried with my kitten and my massive king-sized duvet. enough whining. gotta suck it up and to get back to work.

******

I had a wonderful weekend with my Ry and dad up at Sun Peaks Resort in the interior of BC. The boys skied while i relaxed in the condo with full intentions of finishing one of the two books i have to finish by the end of the month. i cheated and went for a walk in the village, watched Across the Universe (one of my most favorite musical movies ever) and then went for a massage at the spa. The massage was fabulous. the weather was fantastic. the apres ski was delish (onion rings with honey dijon aioli, yam fries with curry aioli and a fountain of booze). Ry and my dad had a great time bonding on the hill. i am glad they get along. one of my fears of marriage was scary-in-laws. Ry and i are fortunate to have nice-in-laws. i am really thankful for that.

Sunday morning was spent on the road. some days i am glad my dad speeds cause it means we will get there faster. i know its not something to be proud of. sunday afternoon was spent cuddling with amos and enzo and emptying some shows from the PVR. i will get into my PVR obsession at a later time; i kind of have to be doing work right now....

ps

ps. i finished the colon blast 2000 thingy and it was just ok. i feel a little cleansed, but still a little bloaty. i didnt lose any weight, or inches. however the push-ups are making my arms a little buffer each day. mcloving it.

10 things i didnt know til i was an adult...

To follow in Twenty Somethings footsteps, but with a different pair of shoes i present to you:

A couple of things I did not know until i was WAY past being old enough to know better:

1. marble cheese is not a combo of yellow cheddar and mozzarella. it is white and yellow cheddar.

2. Kuwait is not a city in Iraq. it is a country (please note, i plead major ignorance on this one. sorry.)

i could only come up with 2 things so far. its not that i am perfect and all-knowing. far from it in fact. i have been drinking. and its late. not really. its like 930. but its been a exhausting weekend and i am tired.

i will continue my list later when i can remember more than just the correct order of the keys on the keyboard.

night folks!

the road

I have been awfully up and down in my moods the last two weeks. i feel like i have so much going on in my head, but dont have the words or language to articulate it. i keep falling into the trap of how i used to think at this time of year, before i went on meds. very bad thoughts about discontinuing my existence. not that i actually would, but just the thought of it was comforting. as odd as that sounds. i was at a point where i would not walk across the bridge to get to work, for fear i would jump. i hesitated to stand too close to the edge of street corners, for fear of stepping in front of a bus. i ensured we had minimal amounts of alcohol and medication in the house in case i got hungry. although i am somewhat more balanced now (thank-you medication, eff you Tom Cruise) i still think about the 'what if i did...' and 'how would i...' disturbing i know. my conscience still guilt's me for treating myself this way. its not right. i have so much happiness in my life, and am so lucky to be where i am and have what i have. why can't i appreciate it? why can't i accept it? i don't know. after all this time you would think i could get over it. but i think i am coming to realize its not something that one gets over. its not a mountain to climb over to get to the other side. its not a river to cross. its not a ride that will be over in 5 minutes or 5 years or 5 decades. its just the road i am on.
getting over it is not an option. learning from it is. understanding it is. and i am ok with that.

I think i can, i know i can

i will post later tonight. but just in case i cant, here i am. right now i am chewing thrills, the gum that tastes like soap and i am actually enjoying it. except for the fact that the gum turns hard as rock after about 45 seconds. so i throw it away and eat a new piece. mmhmm.

A little bit psychic, a lot Lazy with a dash of it wasn't my fault.

so i already broke my 'write my ramblings online every 3 days' resolution. i'm sorry. on friday at work i thought about writing a little doo-dadd, but didnt have much to say. "i'll do it on the weekend." i told myself. so after meeting my ladies for a meal at the white spot, and doing a little shopping, i came home to find the comp is broken. something to do with updating our shaw secure. more like - wait i shouldn't say that. Ry might read this one day.

rest assured everything turned out fine. comp is fixed. all is well. we can look at porn again.

and i still cant think of anything to write.

They Really Do Love Me

I am super excited. Like most first-time blog persons, I never thought that people would read the babble i expel. I also thought that aside from my dear Hillary no one would ever leave a comment. but there are REAL people out there actually reading my incoherencies! and there are REAL people who are kind enough to leave a few words for me to read! i am so elated! high 5 to those who have stumbled across my ramblings. i hope i entertain you enough to come back.

On another note, there has been some talk of about blogging anonymously so that those in our lives don't stumble across the thoughts verbally left unsaid that may damage the relationship vs. censoring one's writing so if they do find the words, its cruelty free.

Only one person in my life knows about my little corner in the inter-world. I admit there are words on here that i am uncomfortable saying, expressing, singing out loud. If someone from my present or past (the ex, the evil judgy girls i went to high school with, people i work(ed) with) stumble across it could create some awkwardness in my being. It's like that episode of friends where ross makes the list about rachel (or is it rachem). when he writes down her cons she flips out at him. everything she hates about herself is something he sees as a negative too, and if she cant love herself despite those things, how can he possibly love her despite them too? i dont expect everyone to love every bit of me, but i dont want to give them ammo to take me down at my weakest points. (can you tell i have trust issues?)

i hesitate to write like no one reads this. posting under a pseudonym seems like a better idea each day. i am sure one day i will feel comfortable telling the whole world about my issues. one day i can tell all of my friends about my musings and they can follow along. one day i can let everyone in my real life know i am bi-polar and became (technically) obese because of it. (weight details are a forbidden topic among my real-lifers) One day i can tell them that i almost didnt make it past high school, or how i almost took the whole bottle, or how i made some really really poor decisions in college but i still made it through ok. One Day.

but for now i want to fight the battle anonymously alone.

its funny how we can bare our souls to strangers, yet can't even tell the people who surround us that we love them.

Day Three: What to Write...

So it's relatively near the end of January third and i have kept on track with the following goals:

1. Finish two (new) books that have been sitting on my shelf, waiting to be picked up. I have started one new book thus far.


2. Lose 8 lbs by January 31st. Let's face it, i was at the grand-parents and in-laws for a belated Christmas. There was no watching what you eat. Though the meals were quite healthy (veggie lasagna & Santa Fe chicken).


3. Eat healthy during the week (approx. 2000 calories/day) and get 'one ruin your diet' day on the weekend. Friday was a holiday. Doesn't count...


4. Write updates on this blog at least every third day. Done and done.


5. Complete 20 push-ups every 2nd day. NO EXCUSES! Friday was a holiday but i did 20 today! high five for me.

So in closing, i am sort of on track. only 28 more days to go....

Happy 2010!

As promised here are my five goals for the month of January:

1. Finish two (new) books that have been sitting on my shelf, waiting to be picked up. I have a habit of buying books and not fully reading them because something better came along in the meantime. I judge books by their covers too. Shame on me.


2. Lose 8 lbs by January 31st. Small goal, hopefully plausible. I mean, very plausible. think positive and about how amazing you will look in your wedding dress.


3. Eat healthy during the week (approx. 2000 calories/day) and get 'one ruin your diet' day on the weekend.


4. Write updates on this blog at least every third day.


5. Complete 20 push-ups every 2nd day. NO EXCUSES!

2010 overall: I am committing to lose at least 40 lbs by my wedding in September. I am committing to be more patient and kind. I am committing to spending more time with friends, rather than with my tv. I am committing to less procrastination and taking more initiative.

And i give you permission to kick my ass if i fail.