Proud Of's and Not So Proud Of's in the Oh-Nine

Proud Of's:
- Keeping on task with wedding planning. Only 251 more days to go....
- Losing 14 lbs without trying very hard (imagine what i can do if i put in effort...)
- Taking the initiative to up my meds when i am feeling low, instead of getting sucked back into the darkness that i used to live in
- Landing a new job after dealing with all the extraneous crap i put up with in my last one
- Adding a new member to the family: Amos
- Finally enrolling in some online courses to further my edumacation
- Going to some pretty epic concerts
- Showing my ex that i am MUCH better off without him, and i have a gorgeous rock on my finger to prove it

Not-So-Proud Of's:
- How immature i have been regarding my work situation
- Being an asshole to Ry when he doesn't deserve it
- Spending a lot of time not working than working (but i get everything done, so does that count?)
- My attitude towards others hasn't been the greatest (my temper gets shorter every day...)
- Replying instead of forwarding a very bad response to the HR manager... whoops!
- Not slowing down enough to enjoy life
- Complaining about the little things
- Watching so much TV

i am sure there are plenty more things to add to the lists. may those R.I.P.

Happy New Year! And may 2010 rock even more than 2009!

Losing Some Baggage

Now that Christmas is over and most of the leftovers are eaten, i can actually start on my plan to get into a better shape (round is a shape, but not the one i want to be in). i am kick-starting the reshaping by doing a detox cleanse to "get rid of the toxins in my body." basically a bunch of natural colon blaster pills that scrape your intestines of all the crap that shouldn't be there. no pun intended. its not supposed to give you the runs for two weeks straight (hopefully) but be ' a gentle and natural cleanse'. to top it off i vow to take the stairs whenever possible as well as do at least 20 push-ups a day.

think i can do it? probably not. but i wont let that stop me.

What Keeps Me Up @ Night

I need to learn how to get over my insecurities.
I need to learn how to articulate my thoughts better.
I need to learn how to maneuver through life without falling down.
I need to learn how to accept that i will fall and that it's ok.
I need to learn how to let people in.
I need to learn how to procrastinate less.
I need to learn how to take action.
I need to learn how to let it go.
I need to learn how to be vulnerable around others.
I need to learn how to get in shape.
I need to learn how to appreciate what i have.
I need to learn how to take one day at a time.
I need to learn how to be a better person.
I need to learn how to calm down.
I need to learn how to take more responsibility for my self.
I need to learn how to breathe.
I need to learn how.
I need to.

I'm Just Another Girl Who Wants To Know

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Re-evaluating my self and actions and words. Looking for patterns of balance in my life and patterns of destruction. Understanding what is good for me and what needs to change in order for my sanity to move forward.

I have always been the person who has lots of acquaintances but not a lot of super close friends. i have my 2 or 3 besties, but we each have our own little worlds that we live in. Looking back in my friendship history i noticed that whenever i did get close to someone it suddenly collapsed and the friendship disintegrated for some unknown reason. i always wondered if it was me, if i was the catalyst that ruins things. maybe it was them. maybe they had things happening that they needed to move on from me for whatever reason. i just wish i knew that reason. in my 'can't let it go' obsessive mind i want to contact my former friends and ask what happened to end the friendship. but my fear of their judgement and sardonic pity prevents me from doing so.
instead i ponder.
did i suffocate those around me with my insecurities?
was i the one to abandon ship without saving anyone else?
am i completely oblivious to what is really happening?
am i so out of touch that i cant even see myself as the poison in the apple?

i think i'd just prefer to walk alone than really know the truth.

12 days of 2009

There are 13 days left this year. Kind of frightening consider how quickly it has gone by already. All of the chaos that has happened this year is jumbling in my head. Especially the crap with my former job. I am still disgusted with the lack of resolve, but i just need to move forward. How do i let the anger go? How do i get rid of the resentment i have? How do i forgive (ha!) and forget?
i have a really difficult time letting go when i feel my concerns have not been addressed appropriately. especially when the people who hurt me get off Scot-free.
Just breathe.

-*-*-*-*-

I have begun to think of New Year's resolutions to actually stick to, which is rare, since i usually break them before the end of January 1st. Since i am holding myself more accountable with the decisions i make, i plan (and please kick my ass into gear if i don't) to create a list of 5 things to accomplish each month. Smart things like reading, doing continued education courses for work, exercising. Maybe a not so smart thing like baking something yummy every week. Maybe something fun like planning surprise dates for Ry. I will start off with 5 items each month and bump it up to 10 if i feel 5 is too easy. ha. we'll see about that. Stay tuned for my first list posted on January 1.

and remember: just breathe.

Random December Updates

• Amos becomes a eunuch tomorrow. Poor little guy...
• I am recovering from my 3rd bout of pneumonia. No hospital trip this time, which means no needles. Whoo!
• Chocolate milk is my new favorite drink. It must be ice cold though. And served with a straw. Preferably a bendy straw.
• Honeymoon planning is trickier than i first thought. The prices we are quoted for the place we want to go to keep changing (for the worse) and although we still have months to book it, i am worried we will end up in a shitty resort filled with families with noisy children.
• Ry is still super stressy about finding a location for our reception. Hopefully this passes. I think its because other parts of his life are stressy and are beyond his control, so he is becoming stressy about the things he can control.
• I finished a great book called Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey. It is one i will keep on the shelf and read again when i am in a lull.
• I wish i had more motivation to get my life together. i feel like i am doing the bare minimum. and i dont care, but i do care that it is affecting people around me. i dont like to be a disappointment.
• I want to crawl under the heavy duvet on my bed and sleep until January....

9 months minus one day...

... until the big day. We have accomplished a lot but still have quite a bit to do. Ry is starting to get stressed about the location of our reception. I know we can't really prep for it until we know our numbers, which will be in early Spring. I'm not worried. Vegas is the type of place where you can plan your wedding in 3 days. And with ours being mid-week, we should have no issues with booking the place we really want. Fingers crossed.

Things to be Thankful for Today:

- today being Friday, and at 4pm, it will be the furthest moment from having to be at work again.
- my (cheat) lunch of grilled cheese and shaved ham on white bread. mm gooey hot goodness.
- that i found my wedding dress with minimal stress
- that i was able to book off the entire time from work that i had hoped to for my wedding
- approval for continuing education (i'm going to get my PMP!) and my work will pay for it all
- improved posture, money in my pocket, and kittens.

ps. i have been really good with food all week - all 4 food groups with every meal, and only 2 glasses of (white) wine during the department's christmas lunch. i need to get back on the breakfast bandwagon, cause i crash hard in the afternoon. I will make that nest week's 'work on me' project. and i am still doing pushups every 2nd day, with stretches and other ab things (switching it up each day) to keep my body working. high five to me.

How Many Christmas's This Year...

My parents are divorced. No big deal. It was a fairly painless process (for me) and somewhat exciting because it meant two birthday's, two Christmas's and twice the amount of vacation travelling. As a kid, more presents always equals more fun (spoiled brat, i know). This year, however, because of some upcoming nuptials (i.e. mine) Christmas is going to be a bit quieter. We'll still do the decorating and the visiting and the eating and the bonding, but gifting not so much. Don't get me wrong, i am all about saving more money to spend on the wedding, but it doesn't seem like Christmas to me if i can't spoil the ones i love. On both of my parents sides, we are doing a secret Santa. Easy breezy. Both people i picked are super easy to buy for. I feel guilty for not getting the others anything though... like my mom. How can i not buy my mom something for Christmas? i know and fully understand that Christmas isn't about the gifts, but my mom busts her ass to support herself, and she rarely - if ever - does anything nice for herself. I want to spoil her. She is the most deserving person. And i can afford to spoil her, so why not?
On Ry's side, his family doesn't want to do any sort of exchanging this year. I mean, i guess that's ok, but still - how about a little something - like a donation to a charity, or a silly gift? I am going to have a hard time not getting them anything. I will probably cheat and make something special for everyone. Maybe a piece of art courtesy of Amos and Enzo that can be hung on the fridge (ooo good idea!) or an ornament for the tree where the proceeds go to a shelter or charity.
Is it selfish of me to still give people something because i feel guilty they don't want anything?
It's the thought that counts, not the dollars spent right? blerg.
Holidays are complicated. :S

Sunday Means i Get to Cheat...right?

I was so good - Saturday i ate super healthy - balanced meals (mixed greens with dried cranberries and grilled chicken, anyone?) and TONNES of water. Sunday i was behaved for breakfast (mini quiches consisting of ham, tomatos, red peppers and havarti) but was really, really bad during the rest of the day.... My excuse is that London Drugs had a sale on chocolate bars so i HAD to buy them. must help stimulate economy....

- 2 peanut butter cups
- 1/3 large bag of Popcorn, Indiana kettlecorn popcorn
- 5 pizza hut breadsticks
- 2 almondillos
- 1 large chocolate chip cookie
- 4 pieces of caramilk bar

on the plus side, i did drink a lot of water. And i did get quite a bit of exercise this weekend. I lifted and carried 12 litres of water 1 full block (sounds easy, but i dare you to try it with out crying); i did 20 push-ups (10 in a row without cheaping out) on both friday and sunday; took the stairs when feasibly possible; did some bagpiping and some kegals.

i must say that my abs are getting harder. the only thing is that there is still a layer of jelly that sits on top of them. its' slowly going away. my arms are getting more buff too. i hope to have actual definition without flexing by the spring. guess we'll just have to wait and see about that....

Panic Button

I have been having mini-panic attacks throughout the last two days. I don't know why. perhaps cause my asthma is going nuts and i am not getting enough oxygen? i just hope it goes away soon. i can't handle this.

I have a serioud Dishue

When ry and i first moved into our home our dishwasher crapped out and our landlord got a nice new one for us. It has been 6 years, and the thing is crapping out. It still washes (sort of) and it still dries (most of the stuff) but for the last little while it has been leaving behind bits of something behind, which kind of looks like sand. (i shall refer to this concoction as the 'Shit AGAIN Needs Dishwashing' or S.A.N.D. The weird part is, the S.A.N.D. only ends up inside the glasses on the top shelf, and only in certain glasses. The glasses are different shapes, so it's not like i can get rid of the glasses that the S.A.N.D. is attracted to... unless we want to start drinking out of beer cups again. Previously, when the S.A.N.D. infected our glasses, a second run through the dishwasher cleaned it out, and all was well with the world. Not this week. I have run the same 10 glasses through the dishwasher at least 3 times to no avail. we even removed all the dishes, and the racks and ran the dishwasher on its own - one round with vinegar, one round with tang, one round with regular soap and one round of just hot, hot water. we also checked the food traps and gaskets, which are all clean. WTF?!??! due to the time invested in running so many loads (sorry environment) our dishes have been piling up. last night we had no counterspace, no big plates, no little forks, no bigger (more than 1 litre) mixing bowls, no square pyrex's, no big frying pans, and no sanity.
*sigh*
I guess it is time i got out the dish gloves and washed the glasses by hand... boo-urns.

*disclaimer* for those who use the glasses in our home, please rest assured that we check each glass before putting it away. There should be no worries that you are drinking out of a glass that is contaminated with S.A.N.D.

These Boots Are Not Made for Walkin'...

Dear Rain Boots,
You are very good at protecting my feet from the bad weather and deep puddles that traumatize this city from September to May. You are also good at not making my feet sweat and not dragging my socks off with each step i take. But for whatever reason, most likely user error, you continue to give me big callousy blisters the the edge of my heel, to the point where i have to stomp my feet when i walk so it doesn't hurt. The blisters are at such an angle that band aids fall off at the slightest movement, and blister protector aids are rendered useless. You were a great find on sale for $12, as I could never justify spending more than $20 on rain boots... but I wonder if you qualify for the cliche "you get what you pay for". I hope not, because i love you so.

Love, blistery-but-not-wet Kristee

high five to good food

I forgot to mention on my last post: i am doing better than ok on the 'eat healthy to be a skinny bride' project. Since Sunday i have vegetables at every meal (trying to make them the 'most' part of the meal, instead of a side or addition), and i have incorporated every food group into my meals. I am also doing push-ups every day. I can do 10 really good girl push-ups before my body wants to die.
The only downside to the healthy eating is unhealthy snacking. It's SOOO hard to give up. Ha. like i would EVER give up snacking.... anyhoo, most of my snacks contain about 35-88% sugar. its all good until i crash. and i crash hard. just a warning.

Top 5 Things I Need to Vent About

1. My asthma. The chilly and damp weather causes my asthma to worsen. To the point where i can't hold a conversation during a leisurely walk. It's annoying and pathetic. I try and use my puffers, but the Symbicort hurts my chest if i take too many doses, and the Ventolin isn't as strong as i would like it to be. I am sure if i went to the dr i could get a new kind of puffer, but have you seen the line-ups at the clinic lately? Seriously. By the time i get to see a dr. my asthma has subsided. How will they know how affected i am, if i am not exhibiting symptoms at the time of the visit?
2. Poor umbrella etiquette. Enough said.
3. Mastercard. I love Visa. For many reasons. Including the fact that they let me borrow a lot of money, and don't send me mean letters asking for it back. They don't send me junk mail or expect a lot out of our relationship. And i like that. Mastercard on the other hand is like a used car salesman, always trying to get you to do this or that. this morning i went to cancel the insurance i have on my new MC (you know the kind that helps pay the bills when you die or lose your job). The lady who answered was nice - to start off with. As soon as i told her i wanted to cancel the insurance, she was (and i quote) "very shocked to hear this" and proceeded to try and guilt me into keeping it. She asked me the same question 4 different ways ' why do i not want the service'. i told her point blank that i 'just don't want it' and she just couldn't accept it. I finally was able to cancel the service after becoming obviously irritated with her hard sales approach. i think she got the hint when i said i am not interested for the 5th time...
4. Amos hiding my socks. i recently found the match to a sock that that had lost his partner about a year ago. they were newer sport socks so they are soft and not smelly or stained with shoe sweat. i wore the socks for about 20 minutes, then took them off, intending to wear them the next day. when i went to put them on, i couldn't find one of them. I did, however, find a kitten with a guilty look in his eyes.
5. Inconsiderate Cell Phone Use. I work on a usually quiet floor that has a north wing and a south wing. i work in the north wing. There is a fellow who works in the south wing that doesn't like to take personal calls at his desk. Instead he wanders the halls on his cell phone. this fellow is not at all quiet or discreet during these calls. He has a loud voice which echos down the hall, and his phone is cranked so that everyone around can hear the person on the other end. I am at the point where i want to interrupt him and yell "the hallway is not a fucking phone booth - take it somewhere else!" but i dont want to suffer the consequences should the wrong person hear my profanity.

end rant. for now.

I should be sponsored by Kleenex

This past week i have emptied three boxes of kleenex due to the leak in my sinuses. at least i dont have that rawness under my nose. that's the worst.

dinner tonight was a crispy crunch. i think it will be my last one for a while. its the 4th one in 2 days. my tummy is not so happy about this.

had a good sleep-in today. watched tv and played video games for most of the day. fun and lazy times.

But those two holes are made for breathing!?!

i woke up this morning to my kitten on my chest, with his thigh and tail in my face. He was leaning over my shoulder suckling on the fleece blanket that i have stuffed between the wall and the bed so i don't fall in. its super cute when he suckles the blanket. in the daytime. when i am awake. the fact that his tail was pretty much suffocating me caused my allergies to flare, which in turn caused buckets of mucus to pour out of my nose. (pretty, aren't i?) this continued for about an hour. i have never secreted so much phlegm in my life. the worst part is that i am still stuffed up! its been like 17 hours already. allergy meds aren't working; cold meds aren't working. wtf!?!?!? and i can only breath through one nostril. but it's not like the other nostril is plugged. it's clear. i stuck a q-tip up and checked. (TMI? sorry) i don't get it....

In other news, i didn't pig out today. i had a lot of cheese, but i ate smaller portions and took the stairs. hi 5 to me.

Lucky Number Seven

Yesterday was the seven year anniversary of the night i met the love of my life. We met at a bar through friends, so it's basically been a one night stand that lasted seven years. Our anniversary present to each other was our trip to Vegas, so the day was really lax. We worked on wedding stuff, which was needed. The place we wanted to host our reception has gone under, so we are back to square one of finding somewhere cool to party, that will have good food, good ambiance and be a place we can celebrate til the wee hours. The hunt continues....

I ate a little healthier over the weekend, but nothing i am proud of blogging about. Lunch today includes perogies, sausage and green salad. i will likely not eat the salad though, cause the salad served is usually slimy and gross. plus, you dont make friends with salad. blerg.

Exercise has been the activity du semaine. We walked (in the piss-pouring rain might i add) to my chiro in yaletown, future-shop downtown and then back home. We also had a couple marathon sessions of bag-piping. If this keeps up i will be in shape sooner than i thought.

mmmm pie

So to complete my dining experience last night, Ry and I went out for crepes. mmmm crepes. i only had one (yeah for self-control), and we split a ham and cheese panini. Ry tipped the server $5 and it was like they had never received that much of a tip before. it was so cute - when they brought our food out, it was like they presented it to us as if we were royalty, and bowed a little when they placed it on the table. i am glad we were able to make someones day.
to finish off our evening, we made lemon pie with a graham cracker crust. super yummy, so we ate half of it. the other half will be tonight's dinner. high five.

You've been a bad bad girl...

I should have called this blog the procrastinators diary. it would help alleviate the guilt that arises with seeing my friend's blog, which is updated almost daily, knowing that mine has not been touched in over a week, or two....
I am so un-proud of myself for eating poorly over the last week. my excuse: halloween. and vegas.
my honey and i travel to vegas at least once a year. i heart that city so much. i could be happy there. we went down for halloween, and what an amazing time it was. i want halloween to be every day, and every day in vegas. my favorite aunt lives in sin city, and when i visit her the only food i eat is hot dogs, and the only things i drink are mike's hard lemonades (any flavor will do) and water. i heart hot dogs. upon our arrival home, i binged like crazy. i could not stop eating. on monday i ate the following: (please note i am ashamed of this list, but know that by posting this, i am taking responsibility for my actions, and helping myself to realize that i need to eat better)
- 2 hot dogs (with ketchup only)
- 1 large cinnabon cinnamon bun
- a handful of ritz crackers
- 1 package of overly salted airline cracker/pretzel mix
- 1 snack pack which consisted of:
- 8 slices of hard salami, preserved in oil
- 1 slice of cheddar cheese
- 2 oz. of sunflower seed butter (peanut butter made from sunflower seeds instead of peanuts this was mega yummy)
- 1 tube of jam to go with the sunflower seed butter
- 6 ritz crackers
- 1 can of jones soda (root beer)
- 1 piece of swiss chocolate with almonds
- at least 10 mini chocolate bars left over from halloween
- 7 mini quiche's with havarti melted on top
- half a (regular sized)bag of kettle chips - honey dijon flavor = super yummy
- a handful of sour cream and onion chips
- a slice of white bread smothered in peanut butter

i know. really bad....

tuesday and wednesday were not as bad, but over the two days i did eat:
- 4 slices of pizza hut chicken florentine pizza (pan crust = oily but so yummy)
- 4 slices of cheese covered breadsticks
- 1 bottle of fuze
- 1 glass of pepsi
- 8 mini candy bars
- 1 lunchables snack pack (ham with whole wheat crackers)
- the other half of the honey dijon chips
- the last third of the bag of sour cream and onion chips
- another glass of pepsi

today, not so bad:
- a special k bar for breakfast
- 1 cup pasta salad
- 1 cup greek salad
- 1/2 pita and tbsp hummus
- 1 small cheesecake square

i still have to eat dinner, but i know it will be leftover pizza and maybe some candy.
i have made a resolution to not drink until the wedding, so hopefully i can keep that going.
stay tuned for my results.....

Some Days It's Just Easier to Look Down

I hear voices and I see things sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. the things i see are just beyond my peripheral vision, so i cant quite catch it; the things i hear are just whispers or voices from far away - like someone yelling my name, but there is no one around. Like the wind speaking to me on a breeze-less day.

When i was in high-school, a girl came to my pysch class to talk about her bi-polar-ness and how at her lowest point, she was convinced she was the queen and that people were coming after her. It made me super conscious of the craziness that was in my head. We also learned that psych students tend to diagnose themselves with every disease and mental illness they learn about. i thought i was the exception, having know for a few years that i am depressed and at times suicidal.

now that i am older i am very careful about how i react to the illusions my mind creates. i know not to get scared of the cockroach i thought i saw, because in reality, there was no cockroach. i know not to turn around when i think i hear my name being called, because in reality, the street is empty, and i am the only one around. i know that the person taking photos along the seawall is not stalking me, and that the crow that was eyeing me as i walked from my house to the ferry is not the same one that is spying on me as i walk through the front door at work. I know i am not crazy. i also know i am not 100% all there. but i can function and hide most of the madness that goes on. and i think that's all that matters.

Weight a Minute

Breakfast consisted of 2 slices of cold ham and cheese pizza and a large glass of water. I don't have much of an appetite for lunch. Although I know I shouldn't, I will boycott lunch for the luxury of a bigger dinner tonight. Insert slap on the hand here.

No More Food Babies

So I am getting married next September. Even though I have been engaged since last October, it still shocks me that someone voluntarily wants to share the rest of their life with me. I am slowly accepting the fact that the love of my life considers me the love of his life. Some days this freaks me out, other days its quite comforting. And as time goes by it's more of the latter and less of the former.
Along with the joys of planning for the big day, one of my bridal projects is (like most brides out there) to lose weight and get in shape. Although I have been trying to accomplish this goal for what seems like ever, my efforts usually drop off after week 1. Like i said, procrastination is my best friend.
I have always been the 'bigger' girl. Not super fat, just big. I am on the tall side (5'8 3/4") so it helps to hide the rolls and cellulite i have accumulated since high school. But my thighs do rub together when i walk; my torso has indents of where the rolls are when i slouch; my hips and quads have iridescent stripes from years of stretch marks; i am normal, i know, but typically unhappy with my body. A few years ago I started taking some meds which had the nasty side effect of weight gain. Within two months, 40 lbs magically appeared on my hips, thighs and belly. I must admit that my diet and lack of exercise didn't help. Though even when i did exercise, i didn't lose any weight, which was extremely disappointing. I have since switched meds (this past July) and am pleased to announce that i have dropped 12 lbs. I am officially under 200 lbs now. Only 40 or so more to go... This gives me hope. Hope that i actually can be fit for my wedding day; hope that the weight gain will go away while i am on these new meds and hope that I will be once and for all happy with my body. (sounds like a Valerie Bertinelli weight watchers commercial right?...)

Anyway - to help keep me writing and to help with my goal to slim down, i want to keep a food diary of what i eat each day. So here it goes:

- 1 x peanuts and almonds special K cereal bar
- 3 slices of ham and pineapple pizza hut pizza
- half a bottle (591 mL) of Pepsi
- 6 large glasses of water

- 6 mini spinach quichelets

- 1 tsp of chocolate frosting (its that week, i NEED chocolate)

Yesterday I had:
- 2 x peanuts and almonds special K cereal bar
- 1.5L water
- half a bison burger (leftover) with goat cheese, onion and tomato
- handful of fries
- 6 fudgeeo's
- 1 tbsp of chocolate frosting directly from the can
- 1 100 calorie bag of natural flavored (ie no butter, minimal salt) microwave popcorn

please don't judge. i am still new at this.

Day One

Tomorrow marks the end of the first week of my 27th year on earth. I had hoped to start this blog last Tuesday, but procrastination.... well, you know.

My best girly friend from high school inspired me to start writing. She has been documenting her life online for a few years now, and after reading it in its entirety in September, I realized I must do it too. More of a therapeutic thing I think. I am bad at conversing on the phone (contrary to my teenage years spent flirting with boys for hours on the cordless phone, hidden in a spot where no one could eavesdrop); and daily 'how are you?' 'just fine, and you?' 'just fine, and you?' emails get boring without the vocal dramatics behind them. Retail therapy is not feasible at this time (an upcoming wedding looms above me, taunting my credit cards with their inability to bring home any new shoes or purses).

And thus i write.