twenty-five days

if i hand one more hand or foot, i could start counting down using my hands and feet.

one month

til i wake up and get into my dress.

til i put on my veil, drink a second mimosa and apply the final layer of 'it better stay there all day' lipgloss.

til i watch my mom go though a box of kleenex as she watches her daughter turn into a bride.

til i celebrate with my favorite women as we get ready for my big day - sharing stories, taking pictures and enjoying a glass of wine or two to calm the nerves.

til i strut through the mega hotel with my bridesmaids and parents - hopefully making it to the ceremony plaza on time.

til i walk down the aisle to the man of my dreams.

til i marry my best friend.

til i live happily ever after.

more comments from the peanut gallery

i feel like i should rename this blog 'complaints from an unordinary citizen'. yes i know unordinary is not a real word. i am going for the whole 'if sarah palin can make up words and potentially get them in the dictionary, then so can i'.

currently there are 400 fires burning in BC. most of the fires in the mountains were started by lightening; but in the city people have the audacity to toss their un-extinguished cigarette butts into the dryest grass possible - especially from their cars. fires have been sprouting up along highways, medians and in parks because of people's stupidity. i shake my fist at them.

****

with our upcoming wedding ceremony package we get a 15 minute photo shoot with the hotel photographer after the ceremony. we have never met said photographer. we have never seen said photographer's work. (it will be whoever is scheduled to work that day so it literally could be anyone) while i am sure that person is fully qualified to take pictures, it still makes me nervous to have a stranger take photos; of which we only get to keep 24, unless we want to pay hundreds more for the rest.

to make up for it, we are paying for a friend of mine to come and do our photography so that we have amazing pictures that will last a lifetime. we have seen her work. (gorgeous shots) we trust her taste. (beautiful taste)

the dilemma - future husband wants to include other people in the 15 minutes with the hotel photographer. he thinks it would be the perfect time to include our wedding party in the photos.

i dont. and here is why:

number one reason: we dont know the photographer. if the photos suck, we haven't lost out on having photos with those people (we do have the option of taking them shortly afterwards with our real photographer) and wont have to try to re-take them the next day.

reason two: future husband and i are going out the following day to take pics in the desert. so if the photos are just of us and aren't the greatest, we will still have a ton of other shots of us to play with.

reason three: assuming that there will be more than 24 shots taken in 15 minutes, if there are a variety of people (all girls, all boys, couples, groom with bridesmaids, bride with groomsmen etc) in the shots, when we go to choose the 24 pics we want, which pictures do we decide to keep? i dont want to only have one or two pics of certain people done by some stranger. it wouldnt look right with the rest of the photos in the album...

reason 3a: we get 4x6 photographs to keep. to share them, we will need to scan them. scanned photos are not always the prettiest, so if they are of our wedding party, i dont want them to feel shafted because they get scanned copies of potentially shitty photos.

i know i am thinking worst case scenario. the hotel photographer could be amazing too, and do a fabulous job. i am just not willing to risk my wedding photos on it.

i like when there is a reason for things being done a certain way. i hate inefficiency. it doesn't make sense to me. literally. i cannot comprehend it. i shake my fist at inefficiency.

so i need your help:

am i being a bridezilla? am i being completely irrational? i explained my reasoning to future husband to the point where i was in tears because he didnt seem to understand where i was coming from. but am i crazy for over-thinking this too much? i am not trying to be a perfectionist. i just want to go home with (more than just) decent photos of the people in our wedding party.

thursday tidbits

random bitching's and gloating's:

• 48 days til i get to be a bride. i kinda wish there was more time to plan (like 2 years wasnt long enough....) but i wish that i could leave for vegas tomorrow.
• work and home and life are super crazy and all a flutter. i have no idea where i will be in October. its driving me mad. one day i am ok with moving away and leaving the chaos of the city; the next i cant bare to. i have to make a pros and cons list. at least there is no rachem to fuck things up.
• ipad = ifun. ihave no idea how to use it. this is my first piece of new technology. tell me your favorite apps (pref free ones, cause iam mega broke). i am obsessed with chicktionary (ithink that's what it's called) and 700 different versions of solitaire. iwill be moving into starbucks soon to take full advantage of free wi-fi. (is that the right term? ihave no idea what these techie words mean. ifeel like my mom does when itry to teach her about facebook.)
• i dont know where it is coming from, but i keep finding large pieces (as in the size of table salt) of silver glitter on me. wtf?
• the two ladies who work in the cafeteria at my office noticed and congratulated me on having lost quite a bit o weight. (22+ lbs since my heaviest) it made me feel so good. it was the first time someone had actually said anything to me about it (aside from ry). i have been in such a positive mood since: validation from outsiders can really make a difference. i dont think they realize how much they made my day, but it has been the highlight comment of my month so far.
• i went for an amazingly long walk with one of my besties on monday. it felt so good to get some sunshine and fresh air. we hadn't seen each other in months, so it was nice to catch up and get our bond back on.
• i hate cutting my toe-nails. its awkward, feels weird and i just fucking hate it. nuff said.
• friday should be here by now. i need a sleep-in.

i am taking some time off. things are hectic and stressful, and although i love to vent (have you read my previous posts?!?!) it makes my eyes twitch to even think about my future life.
my posts will be sporadic at best, but if i dont write soon, have a wonderful summer!

xoxo

what a waste of fucking time

i worked so hard. i documented everything. i wrote out all the procedures step-by-step so that if any issues came up, there would be a consistency that could be followed. i believe in great customer service. i believe in treating people fairly. i trained my replacement for every fucking scenario possible so she would feel comfortable dealing with the stress of that job. i spent DAYS upon DAYS creating and updating EVERYTHING so that it was all perfect for the day i left.

today i find out that it's gone. the procedures - dumped. the paper work - thrown out. the files - deleted.

i can't believe i bothered. why did i even think it would make a difference?

so please tell me how to have faith that working hard actually gets you respect. tell me how it is possible that effort and a positive attitude and great service are now optional, instead of mandatory. explain how it's ok to go from being a temp to having a manager's parking stall in just over a year, when there has been a parking wait list with people who have been waiting 3 years for a stall? taking advantage of your position much?

because from what i am witnessing and learning first-hand: those who break the rules for their own agenda, get ahead and those who are honest and work their asses off to make sure things are done right, get fuck all except a cold shoulder and a bunch of empty promises.

CEO: you lied to me. You looked me in the eye and told me this would get better. it never did. and now i am fucked because of it. i have lost so much respect for you. SO much respect.

VP of HR: you could have stopped this long ago. when i came into your office and told you everything, you sounded like you had planned to take action. i doubt you will even notice i am gone once i am done this mat leave coverage. my boss left her job because of YOUR lack of involvement. I will most likely have no permanent job at (insert workplace here) in October because of YOUR lack of involvement. Thanks for nothing.

Former Manager: i hope you are finally starting to realize that I was never the problem. Your staff (as usual) are out of control and are taking advantage of things they KNOW they shouldn't be. But i am sure you dont even notice because you spend so much time ignoring everything around you. Your people skills are horrible. Perhaps taking some communication classes and managerial courses will help you run your department better. Unless you like your temps running around doing whatever they please, and treating people like trash. Your department, your choice. But know that i am not the only one that feels this way.

and to the rest of you: i hope you fucking get everything you have coming to you. cause you damn well know you deserve it you fucking rude incompetent bitches.

end rant.

i need to stop adding more hatred and anger and jadedness and and bitterness to my soul. i can already feel my blood pressure rising.

where is my vodka...

home alone

i am alone for the next two weeks. ry is gone and i am paranoid of someone breaking in and attacking me. we keep a metal bar near the front door for such attacks, but i have also set up a series of alarms to alert me should someone try to sneak in when i am asleep. i would like to elaborate, but fear that it may backfire.... oh what the hell. i have put containers of pennies on all the window-sills. if someone tries to intrude, the pennies will fall and wake me up. i will have 3 seconds to get to the bar and beat the fuck out of the burglar. i have stacked a bunch of noisy items at the front door as a similar alarm. both cats are also on full alert. they understand. they know what to do. enzo is an attacker. she will go for the face. amos will go for a hug. bless his heart.
i also have set up a little device at my front door so i know if anyone has been in the apartment or not. a busted down front door would also be a clue, but i dont trust the building management, so you never know.
i have to stop reading the Stieg Larrson series. i am getting too many (good?) ideas.
the highlights so far of my 'single' life:

• having the queen-size bed all to myself
• always getting to choose the channel (not much a change from real life)
• no judgement from the household if i want to eat a spoonful of icing from the can, 2 pancakes, and a couple of slices of cheese for dinner

the one where it hurts to even open my eyes

i see the doctor tonight. to fix my fucked up little head. to hopefully take away the migraines and the delusions and the tunnel vision and the tricks and the madness and the crazy. to take away my fucked up vision and my word muddles (thank god for spelling and grammar check). to take away the whispers and the paranoia and the tremors and shakes and the nausea and the facial numbness and the anger and the twitching and the head aches. please make my head stop hurting. these migraines are really wearing me down. i am having trouble faking it. i don't know how much longer i can keep faking.

this guy

i woke up with the shakes this morning. i twitch like michael j. fox. i mean that in the least cruel of ways. staring down at my hands they dance in midair out of my control.

ryan leaves for a two week job in the interior. it will be good. for him. for us. he needs the change of pace. and the money wont hurt either. i just hope the guy who hired him doesnt fuck him over.

be positive.

stay positive.

things are gunna be ok.

and you know that you are fine.

i miss you already

and you're not even out the door.

remotely controlled

life is a constant battle of control. food. relationships. sex. work. life. mental and physical health. and everything in between.

when i was in 6th grade, one of the girls in my class had a major battle with anorexia. she was hospitalized for most of that school year, and was in and out of the hospital for years afterwards. because we were at 'that impressionable age' all of the grade 6 and 7 girls were called into an assembly to learn what it meant to be anorexic and how it wasn't just about food or body image. it was about how she felt she had lost control of everything around her, and the only thing she felt that she could be in charge of was the amount of food she put into her body. by mastering the art of starving herself, she thought she could be successful and happy, even though her goals were extremely unrealistic. don't get me wrong, the body image issue was still a part of her disease.but all she wanted was to feel like she could do something right for once. and not be a fuck up.

right now i feel like i have little to no control in my life. i am struggling so hard to get that back and i feel that when i get a step further ahead, i end up hurting someone, so i need to step back, reevaluate and go a new direction. i can accept that life is beyond my control. i am not so OCD that i need everything to be MY way ALL of the time. but for the things that i SHOULD have control over, like my body, and my eating, and my mind, i have been trying not to fuck up, yet i have been; somewhat consciously, somewhat unconsciously. In order to gain that control back, i have been very strict with myself. one meal a day. only drink water. 20 push-ups every other day. meditate the bad thoughts away. process the good thoughts into action. create positive energy. its sad and pathetic, and i know it, and i cant stop. i am too numb.

i found out that a close family member recently tried to kill himself. he was found in his bathroom hung by a towel round his neck by his soon to be brother-in-law. CPR was administered immediately and he is so very lucky to be alive. i can't stop thinking about how that should have been me. that sounds so selfish. so disgusting. we have the same story. we both are diagnosed with depression. (i'm bi-polar II, he just has depression) we both want to die. at least now he can talk to his family about it. people who understand and can be there for him when he has his lows.
my family doesnt know about my lows.
they dont know how sometimes i can't walk over bridges because all i want to do is jump to my death.
they dont know how i save my extra meds for that 'one day that i might just need all of them'.
they don't know that i dont care about having someone hold a gun to my head in a hostage situation (i watch a lot of tv, i doubt this would actually happen in my little life) because i am suicidal, and just dont give a fuck.
they wouldnt understand. i have tried explaining it to ry but because he has never had those feelings before he cant empathize. it's like explaining to a snake what it feels like to have legs.

i am out for the weekend. take care. i will do my best.

some if's

please take into consideration that not all of these are real if's in my life. some of them are, but not all of them. just cause if i do post only the real ones i will feel like a real ass-hat.

• if you see someone from the car next to yours at a red light litter , do you let them know they dropped something or just let it be?


• if someone tells you that it's ok to say no when you are not in the mood, do you say no, or just 'take one for the team' and hope they are too busy getting their rocks off to care?


• if the sign says stop, do you, or do you casually slow down and eversobriefly pause?


• if you could only make one long-distance phone call, who would you call?


• if someone says they will pick you up between a short 15 minute window, would you wait in the normal established pick-up area that has been used for the past 6 years, or sit on your ass waiting for a phone call to say i'm here', or alternatively, have said driver park in awkward parking garage, come upstairs to get said lazy ass, only to have to leave 2 seconds later?


• if someone gives you the finger for something they have done wrong do you have the right to fake pretend running them over?


• if you have to shit at work, is it best to wait until everyone has vacated the other stalls, or just bring in some febreeze?


• if vienna stayed with jake, do you think he would have (attempted to) killed her?


• if a parent is riding a bike, with their child in the 'child bucket' strapped to the back of the bike, is it ok to yell at them if only the child is wearing a helmet, and the parent isn't? (cause i mean wtf kind of example are they setting?)


• if i sneak out five minutes early today, will anyone notice?

donations accepted

i have been in a nauseous and migrainey and leave-me-alone-i-need-to-process-how-the-fuck-i-am-going-to-afford-this-wedding kind of mood lately. ryan is in an even bigger funk cause he hasn't been able to find work since april and EI only supplies 1/2 of what his old salary was. phuck. fuck. fack. in the end i know things will turn out fine, but right now its very tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. is that the right metaphor? see the forest for the trees? clouds have silver linings? ... fuck i dont even care. deep breath. be positive. good things happen to those who wait.

...

On another 'my mom is her own sitcom' note, she recently discovered that the lyrics to Beyonce's Single Ladies are "All the single ladies, all the single ladies" not "I'm a single-ette, I'm a single-ette".

Although she is now fully aware of the correct lyrics, she likes her version better and continues to sing it her way when ever the song plays on the radio or anywhere in public.

monday mail bag. more angry than the normal version.

dear c-word in the green jetta in front of me on the way home last night,

Yah, Hi! i saw you looking down every two seconds to add another letter to your text. i noticed how much you weren't paying attention to the GREEN light in front of you. i knew you had no idea that the vehicle in front of you had gone through the intersection and it was your turn to go. but you sure noticed when i laid on my horn. boy did you jump. i bet you mis-typed on your i-phone. or was it a blackberry? i couldn't tell cause you were doing such an amazing job pretending that you WEREN'T TEXTING AND DRIVING. but my favorite part is when you thought i was following you through the city (honestly i actually was going the same way) and you proceeded to go at least 30-50km over the speed limit. i sure wish the cops had been on granville to catch you. it would have made my day.

all the best in your future texts, the ford escape behind you

dear border guards

thank-you for allowing me to cross the border with slightly more than the alloted amount and not making me pay duty. it really, really helped with my limited budget. plus i like sticking it to the man.

love, a pretend anarchist

dear charmin,

you make a fucking awesome toilet paper. i am so amazed at how it doesn't crumb. i wish i could afford you all the time. rest assured, when i win the millions that are due to me, i will have an entire closet in my home dedicated to you, so that i will never run out.

love, a non-paper-crumby bum

dear food inc.

thank you for opening my eyes to the evil that exists in the food industry. it is sad that farmers are forced to comply or go under. i hope that this can change - the sooner the better. otherwise we are going to turn into mutants who eat deep-fried circles as food. i mean seriously? have you seen these?

love, a former processed food eater

ps tyson foods - fucking shame on you.

dear city of vancouver,

lets spend some more money on bike lanes so that the kids, whose schools will be closing next year due to lack of funds, will have somewhere to cycle.

regards, a city dweller who is somewhat tolerant of the bicycling kind (i only like the ones that follow the law)

friday fumduddlery

• yeah for it being the furthest point from having to be back at work again. cause fuck you monday.
• i made chocolate cake and had some for breakfast. you only judge because you wish you did it too.
• there is a one-in-28-million chance of winning the $50 million lottery tonight. i am that one. you can toss your ticket away.
• my high school 10 year reunion was held recently. due to the fact that i am still friends with the only two people from high school i actually would want to see, i didn't go. after seeing the pictures of the only 17 or so people (out of a class of 250-ish) who did go, i am glad i didn't waste my time. yah that's right. i said it. i had better places to get drunk.
• i finally got around to waxing the lower portion of my legs. i can now wear skirts and bermudas with-out the shame of looking like an ape or a man or a lesbian high school teacher.
• i have been wanting to burst out crying a lot lately for no reason. i am not sure if its a period thing, a med side effect, or what. i haven't actually done it, but i am sure there is going to be a moment soon in a really public place where i will hear some random song from my past that will cause me to have a public breakdown and i will have to be escorted out of the store. i seriously need to stop watching mall cops on tlc.
• 75 days til i am wed. not stressy yet. i just want the drinking to begin.
• have a fabulous weekend. i am going to.

i think you just answered your own #%* question...

i fear driving with one of my friends (who shall remain nameless). i only drive with him if i absolutely HAVE to, and only on very short drives. "but why?" do you ask... because he is the epitome of asshole drivers. he bitches and complains about 'those other drivers' but he should be their king. and here is why:

the other day, said friend picked me up to take me and his wife 8 blocks from my house to the most amazing thing ever (a cupcake competition!!! yum, yum, yum, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, bellyache, poop frosting, crave more cupcakes...)
as we were making the final right turn to our destination, there was a lady on a moped in front of us, who was also making a right turn. she also happened to use her left arm to indicate that she was turning right. all of a sudden our gracious driver yells out "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU USING YOUR ARM FOR!?!?!?! THAT'S WHAT FUCKING SIGNALS ARE FOR!!!! OH THAT'S RIGHT YOUR FUCKING MOPED DOESN'T HAVE THEM!!! GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!"
From the back seat i blatantly replied "umm, she is using her arm because, although she does have a signal on her moped, which is on and indicating she is turning, she is also using her arm to show you she is turning right, in case you can't see her turn signal. so essentially she is doing YOU the favor."

he shut right up after that.

frickin laser

stolen from some random on google images

(would link but i think he stole it too...)

i hate body hair. i hate hair removal. its such an annoying and effort-full process. a few years ago i determined lazering 'down unda' would help in the shaving/waxing department (and yes i did the math) i went for a few sessions and then abandoned ship because the lady cut* me with the razor**, in a spot that was a little TOO close to my sphincter for my liking.

Anyhoodle, today i went back for the third to last time (cause its working, yeah!!) and my new laser lady is frickin AWESOME! She is super funny and very relaxy and laid-back and you dont mind that she is manipulating and zapping your labia with a frickin lazer while joking about how her cats cuddle up to her in the night, which gives her terrible allergies.

My saviour from the pain though: Emla the numbing cream - a pussy whose about to be lazered's best friend.

only 2 more sessions until i have the undersmile of a porn star. this better be worth it.

*the cut was so bad that it bled all the way home (5 blocks) and actually scabbed (yes, i HAD to check, just to see how bad it actually was)

**yes, before getting lazered you have to shave every single hair that you want lazered off, including your anal hairs. if you can't reach or get all of them, the lazer'er will do it for you; this can be a little awkward when they use a dollar store bic and go quickly (SERIOUSLY?!?!) against the grain (OUCH!). boys - its not as sexy as it sounds.

581

581 un-read items in my reader. i am embarrassed. i am going to read them all tonight.

love.

rememories

remember back when...
- i made a resolution to post a minimum of every 3 days...
- the winter olympics were the sunniest part of this year thus far...
- being in school right now meant sports day, class trips to the beach, and ice cream day with the excitement of summer vacation being right around the corner...
- the idea of having a second cat, to keep your first cat from being lonely, except now all they do is make a shitload of noise as they 'play' fight and chase each other through-out your no-pets building, was a good idea...
- having a dad who was single meant that his life wasn't dictated by his 'new' wife and her anti-social needs...
- having the hiccups was still funny after 20 minutes...
- buying a condo/loft/apartment in downtown Vancouver was actually feasible for someone in my financial bracket...
- Kanye was a gay fish on South Park...
- i didn't know what it felt like to be bi-polar...
- 'staying up late' didn't mean going to bed before 1030pm...
- it was easy to have more than 2 glasses of wine without getting a hangover...
- time went slowly, fat wasn't so quick to develop around the belly, and life was full of open doors and endless opportunities...

i have been so caught up in everything that i haven't had the time to be still and reflect on the chaos in my head.
wedding plans & details - pending and in progress; coming along smoothly
health - all over the place; i broke up with my chiro cause "its not you, its me..."; i may be soon diagnosed as schizophrenic; my back is seizing so much that i can't get dressed by myself in the morning; BUT my asthma is doing very well - horray!
family - doing awesome, i think my bro found 'the one' - we'll see if they elope in Vegas in sept.
work - i only have 140 days left until my contract is up and i have no job, no benefits, no perks. no pressure to find a new job, yah rite...
weight-loss - i can fit into pants that i haven't been able to wear in almost 2 years. LOVE it! my 'lazi(wo)man's exercise routine' is actually working!

however some days i wish there was a pause button for the DVR of my life... then maybe i could conquer the world...

run, nicole, run.

she had to stop thinking about it. the anxiety flooded her head continuously with fear and rage and illogical thoughts. she was trying so hard to be nice and be complacent and be agreeable and be happy and cheerful and get along with him. her loss of control over what she thinks is "everything" fucks her up even more.
too many things happening at once.
too many questions to answer at once.
too many decisions to make at once.
she left to hide and calm down. it doesnt work. her adrenaline is pumping too high and physiologically her body wont calm down. there is no control over that. nothing safe anyway.
he comes in to comfort her but she has none of it. the panic sets in. the knowledge that the more she panics, the further she pushes him away makes it worse. he tries to help her the only way he knows how but its becoming the opposite of what she needs.
yelling and frustration make it worse. everything makes it worse. she screams and threatens to hurt him before he can hurt her. that's the goal right? hurt them before they can hurt you. you lose either way.
he calls her insane and goes to get air.
she grabs the keys and runs out. speeding away as fast as the green lights can turn. she has no where to go. driving around for 17 minutes leads to a quiet street in the middle of town. she parks and listens to music to calm her down. her heart still races a mile a minute. she tries to meditate, but can only think about how out of control she feels. reclining back in the drivers seat she attempts to sleep. at least for a little while.
she dreams about the sad little girl she is. how pathetic and sad she is. how hurtful and terrible. how she doesn't deserve anything. how much longer can she pretend to be ok.
hours later she slowly pulls into her driveway. slowly sneaks into her home. slowly slips into bed. alone. he is giving her space. she's not sure its what she needs, but it will have to do.
she cant stop thinking. sleep isnt an option. gaining control of her mind, her thoughts, her self is the only thing that is of concern. but she cant stop the flood of memories. the prospect of new memories. the pressure of making everything perfect and everyone happy. she knows its not possible, but her self wont accept it. her mind wont shut off.
sunday is the anniversary of her attempted death.
12 years later she is still trying to let it go.
12 years later she is still recovering.
12 years later she is no further ahead in her battle through the dark.

things are comin' up me

i am going to quit apologizing for not writing more. its my blog. i can write when i want. sorry.

a joke for mother's day:

what position do you do it in to make an ugly baby?

go ask your mother.

and now for the news:

a HUGE weight has been lifted from my shoulders. ry and i have (finally) found and secured the location for our wedding reception. its top secret for now. but its SUPER EFFING AWESOME. i cant wait to unveil it to everyone. our coordinator at the top secret location is awesome and is letting us do pretty much whatever we want. love it!

i was quite irritated with the meetings we had with some of the other reception location vendors we met with. it was almost as if they didn't want us to have our party their, and not spend money in their restaurant. the top secret location we are having it is mega accommodating and is excited to help make our day wicked cool.

we met with our new ceremony coordinator too. our previous one was just as apathetic as the vendors who didn't seem to want our money. i am relieved to know our new coordinator is so gung-ho for us and is going to make the ceremony run smoothly. i have a hard time trusting people who act incompetent, and i have to micro-manage/bridezilla their ass to get things done; but our present coordinators are extremely competent. They rock the casbah and i have no worries at all. that's a big deal for me. high fives for danielle and joel.

another high five goes out to me and ry. today we ran power-walked the annual 10km vancouver sun run. good news: i finished it with minimal bitching and absolutely NO training (insert excuse for not training here). bad news: i have three giant blisters from new shoes that i neglected to break in. (whoopsy!) good news: i bought those new reebok's with the stability balls in the toe and heel and they ROCK! my buns and inner thighs feel fantastic. bad news: tomorrow i predict i will be in so much pain.

one last little bit. i didnt make a goal for april. i think completing the sun run was my goal. i didn't want to do it. at all. it was on ry's bucket list and he asked me to do it with him (TWSS tee hee) so i obliged. it was january. i thought he would have forgotten about it by the time it rolled around. turns out he didn't. but its a good thing. cause i needed a kick in the ass to start getting in shape so i can look hot for summer. cause the inner tube around my waist does not need to get any bigger.

8 weeks

is being a bitch innate or learned? is it from experience or genetic?

i think mine is from experience.

and a little portion innate.

for who could be born without a heart?

even if it is black.

mini mees

i had lunch today with a really good friend of mine and her two kids. amazing kids. a 22 month old toddler who is adorable and sassy and silly and outgoiningly shy. and a 3 month old who is so excited at the possibilities of life and the things that surround him. everything is so new and wondrous to his little blue eyes. those kids make me want to have babies a baby. like right now.

i got to spend individual time with both of them while my friend had her hands full with the other. the toddler told me about the purple star sticker on her hand and then taught me that her eyebrow is above her eye. she was very matter of fact and preferred to drink out of the bottle of water herself rather than have mommy hold it for her. the baby nuzzled my neck and cooed in my ear (and sneezed on my chest :S). he was so mellow and smelled that soft baby smell. and i thought, for the first time without any fear, that i could do this. i could have a baby and care and be responsible. i know things aren't always roses and peaches. i know kids cry and poop and throw up and yell and make big messes and do stupid shit and embarrass you and blame you and all that other shit.

but i think it would be worth it.

Emmess

her attacks are getting worse. the pain in her jaw brings her to tears. the heaviness in her chest will not go away. the nausea and vomiting wakes her from her sleep. her limbs go numb every once in a while. the headaches turn in to migraines which never go away. 'i can't imagine how cancer patients must feel {with this much pain}' she says. it makes her want to be six ten feet under.

the pain.
the fucking pain.
and i can't help her. no medication can fix her.
the medicine to take away the hurt makes her vomit until she has nothing left inside.
the medicine to knock her out into a painless slumber generates an allergic response.
the medicine to fix her does not exist.

my eyes will be wetter than normal for the next little while.
i need as much hope and strength as i can get.
please pray for my mom to feel better.

i need her.

hair so long you can braid it

with summer and a wedding and NHL playoffs* coming up, its time to start really working on the daunting hair removal process for parts of my body that are (usually) covered up in winter.

*instead of growing a playoff beard - cause, eww gross - i am choosing to grow a playoff muff. really hoping the playoffs are over before i start hitting the beach.

i was digging through my rubbermaid tower of beauty products and found some leftover linen strips used for waxing. being uber cheap, i thought i would make my own wax and use up the strips before buying a whole new kit. good idea? you'd think so....

being the expert googler that i am, i searched a bunch of sites for homemade wax recipes, which all seemed to have the exact same ingredients and the same measurements. all it takes is a little water, white sugar and some lemon juice. easy enough. or so i thought.

so i mix the sugar and the water and realized - hey no lemon juice, whatever shall i do? i figured the lemon was just to make it smell nice, so i added a few drops of tea tree oil instead. whilst in my first aid/baking cupboard - cause every first aid incident can be fixed with baking - i saw the food coloring i bought six years ago and have never used. oooo. the wax will look pretty when its blue. in it goes to the sugar and water and tea tree oil mixture.

cook. cook. stir. stir. everything was turning melty and somewhat sticky. it was mega hot though, so i took it off the stove to cool before i dumped the wax on my legs and lady bits. as said wax begins to cool, it started to crystallize. cool if i wanted to make a batch of tea-tree oil flavored suckers. not so cool when you want to make wax to rip out your body hair.

Light-bulb: adding more water will make it better. so i add more water and start to cook it again. it was too liquidy, so i added more sugar. and i left it to cook for a bit. Yay for it starting to become the proper consistency (finally). not so yay for the concoction turning a muddy green-brown. (totally spaced on the fact that when sugar caramelizes it turns from white to brown.... im losing it in my old age, folks)

i did the 'drop a drop of said concoction into cold water to see if it forms a ball' thing that you do when caramelizing sugar. things looked ready, just needed to cool the final product.

off to the couch i go, with the concoction cooling on 3 hot pads on the coffee table, DVR remote in hand, linen strips ready to go and cats sleeping in their tree (they tend to want to be with you during the most messy and awkwardest of tasks, so them being asleep is a major bonus.)

i finished watching Fringe. wax is still steaming. i watched Gossip Girl. wax is still hot. i slightly touch the layer of wax-skin that is forming as it cools. holy fucking hell. it burns worse than the burn i got when i was stirring the wax the first time around (did i mention that part?)

flushed burn under cool water. pouted a bit. continued watching TV. checked wax every 20 minutes and it wasn't cooling down very much. WTF?!?! and because it was taking so long to get to a temperature i could actually withstand, the top of the mixture was starting to crystallize. when i tried to move my spatula - to give things a stir - it wouldnt move. mutha-effer. back to square one.

i ditched the homemade shit wax and added the real stuff to my 'must pick up the next time i am out' list.

lessons learned:

• hot sugar fucking hurts
• i am not good at 'at-home' beauty projects. at all.
  
• sometimes spending $10 on a pre-made jar of wax is totally worth it

vacant lots and the procrastination that follows

i am sorry i have been away. i have been really unmotivated lately. i know exactly why, and i cant dont want to stop. its just easier that way.

i know there is no such thing as 'normal' - i tend to believe things are more on a sliding scale, but how does the 'normal person' keep going?
what makes you not want to say fuckit and not throw in the towel? not in a "i'm giving up because its too difficult" kind of way, more of a "i'm lazy and couldn't care less, until its too late then i kick my own ass for not trying harder" kind of way. its a recurrent theme in my life, yet i still don't care enough to actually do something about it at the time. complaining to posting my afterthoughts on the interweb is something i do better.

how does one obtain the drive to push forward and actually accomplish something in the way that they dreamed it to be and not in a sub-standard way that is just mediocre and barely acceptable?
how does one develop a passion for something?
how does one become inspired?
how does one care about something? anything? anything at all?
how does one make effort?
how does one get a wake-up call?
how does one continue when they lose interest in the things that surround them?
how does one learn to appreciate what they could be if they just applied themselves?
how does one achieve motivation? and stay there for longer than a minute?

i am surrounded by people who have the drive and initiative to pursue everything they want in life. i dont understand how they are so strong and can stay on the road. i admire those people. i long to be like them. to be normal. whatever that means.

i was told once that i have all the gusto to initiate projects and my grandiose ideas, but when it comes to completing anything, i fail miserably. this recording keeps playing in my subconscious, and has regrettably become my story. procrastination consumes me, to the point where i stop caring. is it because i cant let things go, and i fear completion will mean i have nothing?
how do i stop the story?
where do i begin?
how can i move more towards the centre of the scale?
how do i achieve balance when it comes to starting and finishing things in my life?
why is the beginning so amazing, filled with ideas and hopes and dreams, and the end is too dark and incomplete to even find the light switch?
do i need to enlist an accountable-a-buddy?
or perhaps i just need a personal assistant to do my bidding for me.... or to at least kick my ass when i start to slow down...
fuck.
where is that wake-up call?

ummm i unclear on computer things

so i guess its pretty obvious i dont know how to add videos in an appropriate size. i totally meant to do it this way.

monday funnies

hey kittens,
sorry i have been a little vacant. its been a busy couple of days. here is a little something something to hold you over til my next post. Enjoy!

wtf wednesday

just a couple of tidbits today, kids. mama's got some boils to pop*.

• did you SEE tyra's outfit at tonight's elimination on ANTM??? WTF?!?!? the best part was one of the model-hopefuls showed up in black skinny jeans a silver, lamé cut-out bathing suit and tyra had the gall to say her outfit was inappropriate. all i have to say is "take a look in the mirror tyra". (<-- pretend i said this in a thick ghetto accent and snapped my fingers like i should be on ricki lake)
• bad news: the cheap airport by my home is shutting down for the first three weeks of september. WTF?!?!? i planned to leave for my wedding on Sept 1. and now it will have to be out of the expensive airport with the expensive airlines. can you hear the money running away from my pocketbook? i can.
• dont forget to share your voice on April 5 about issues that face women. Check out Marie's blog Cafe for the deet's
  

night kittens!

*totally NOT true. just trying to make ya giggle. or gag. you choose.

yeah for tuesdays

a mish mash of quickies (tee hee):

• ryan will have a job to go to at least until the wedding. and most likely afterwards to. unless we win the lottery. then its "buh bye working for a living".
• lost tonight: WTF?!?!?! such a great episode. and i love how the writers let you know so much, yet leave you still asking so many more questions by the time the episode is over. i cat wait to find out how it ends!
• eating healthier has not improved the headache situation. meh. i can deal with it. i have dealt with worse.
• did you watch Oprah today? LOVED that (repeated) episode - about the dangers of texting while driving. i dont text that much and never do so behind the wheel (tried once = major fail. i put the phone down before i could do any harm). i cant comprehend why people have the 'i can do it' mentality when it is SO EFFING OBVIOUS they dont. two of my close friends are super ignorant about their being on the phone or texting while driving. i want to force them to watch this Oprah episode until it finally CLICKS that they are not a supertexter who can do no wrong on the road. i would hate for either of them to hurt or kill themselves or someone else because of their stupidity. one of these people has a 9-month old son and it would absolutely destroy her if anything happened to him. i hope she watched the show today.

please take the time to sign the pledge saying you WILL NOT be a distracted driver.

thank-you.

my dirty little secret

CAUTION: avert your eyes if you cant handle a little dirty talk. i warned ya!

i used to be a slut promiscuous girl. i was the first among my friends to be "deflowered". my boyfriend and i at the time went from 3rd base to home and beyond pretty quickly. we fuct like rabbits. then we broke up. and i started college. i went through a period where i was sleeping (on average) with a new guy every month for 12 consecutive months. i once slept with 3 different guys in one 24-hour period. i was THISCLOSE to having a threesome with the hottest guy in one of my classes and his roommate, but some mis-communication made that night a major fail. i blame the radio class for that. effing virgin! i have had sex on the beach; in a car; on a sail boat; in every room of the house; in pools; in hot tubs; in saunas; in the front hallway of a friends house (while he was in another room) whilst on the phone with another friend; on the side of the road; up against a tree; on a cruise ship; on a giant rock; on a balcony in the rain; in backyards; on the side of a highway; in a forest; under a waterfall next to a raging river; tied to a bed post; on stairs and various pieces of furniture (ps - rocking chairs fucking rock). i have had sex with a man who was 14 years my senior; with a boy who was 2 years my junior; with a college football star (who had the biggest dick i have ever had the experience of experiencing) in a restroom stall at a fancy-ish restaurant; in his parents bed; in a limo; while people were sleeping less than 3 meters away; while people were watching; during the countdown at new years; at a racetrack; on a roof top balcony; in a hotel room while his girlfriend was in another part of the hotel; in my dads SUV (while he was sleeping nearby in a tent) and under the stars. i have had sex with men from 5 different countries. i got to 2nd with random lady friends. i made out with 9 different people in one club in the course of 3 hours. (one of them being a guy who i had crushed on since grade 8 - he had been in grade 11 and NEVER knew i even existed. so SCORE!) i gave the best blow-jobs in many a location that would make my mother die of shock. I have made my own porn; met a guy on the internet, met him in real life and am too ashamed to say what happened next(and yes i know how effing stupid that was. i will never ever do it again) i have strip teased to my partner's utter delight; played with wax, toys, ice, feathers, dressing up, (massage) oil, and some other things that i am not ready to say out loud; i have had sex in most of the positions listed in this book; i have been showing boys my tits since i was in grade nine (bobby never could wipe the smile off his face). in the 12 years of sharing my special purpose (bonus points for those who get that reference) i have had some sexy times.

why am i telling you my sins?

because this is my 69th post.

and it just felt so good.

one day at a time

i am trying being a more positive person. i have my little mantras that i believe and i have posted inspiring quotes and aspirations in places where i will see them and think about them every day. i take one day at a time; still thinking about the future, but taking time to not fret about it. why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet? i am slowly coming to realize that things change so fast and so often that it is impossible to attempt to control it all. taking time to understand your wants and needs is the key. to recognize who you are, to find your niche in the world and make it your own.

ry is super stressy about work. he is making a certain $$$ amount at his current job (slated to end any day - eff you construction industry) and doesnt want to take a pay cut to go work somewhere else.

understandable.

at the same time, now is not really the time to not be working - because he cant find a job that will pay him what he is worth. he was recently offered a job which pays reasonably(about $5/hour less what he makes now) but its only part time. boourns. third wrench in the wheel is that a buddy of his in a far away city (about 4 hours away) offered to hire him and possibly be partners in order to start their own construction firm. yeah for us short term ($$$) not so yeah for long term (i am still not 100% certain of this whole moving to a city that doesnt have stores that are open later than 6pm; selfish, i know, but how many times have you needed an (insert item here) at 10pm or 2am? )

so decisions need to be made. which is making ryan super bummed. i know things will work out for the best. i know whatever option he chooses, we will make it work. we always do. the hard part is reassuring him of that. he has been so disheartened because he is such a good person who keeps getting ripped off in life. it sucks. he just wants a chance to succeed. to be the alpha male. to take care of me so we can start a family.

so how do i comfort him? how do i reassure him things will work out the way they are supposed to? how do i let him know that i dont think he is less of a man because of all the shit potentially hitting the fan? (his fear, not mine, he is always the king in my castle) how do i fix such a bruised and battered ego?

i hate seeing him hurt like this.

i want to make him understand and believe that everything will be ok.

because it will.

it has to.

thurday-isms

i have a whole bunch of thoughts in my head lately. nothing super coherent, but i will do my best to make sense of it for you.

• i have been having migraines on and off for the last couple of weeks. this also includes side effects of nausea and the spins. basically i feel like i am hungover and drunk at the same time. the last time i had episodes like this it lasted for 3 months and disappeared as quickly as they showed. my favorite part are the auras. so many colors, it brightens my day. my least favorite part is the head hurtees. the squeezing and the stabbing and the throbbing and the pain. oh my god, the pain. they have been pretty mild so far, but if it gets any worse, off to the dr. i go.
  
  
• i am super happy (and slightly shamed) that Gossip Girl, 90210, and Melrose Place are back on. umm, i totally just watch just for the fashion. and the shoes. and all the drama. but don't tell anyone. i'd much rather watch girl drama on tv than have it in my real life. i dont do well with real life drama.
  
  
• i am worried that my besties who are planning my stagette are (financially) going above and beyond what i imagined. i love my ladies, and they are already shelling out monies to come to vegas for the most amazing wedding of the decade. i dont want anyone to feel obligated to drop a mint on my last night of debauchery. i dont want anyone to feel like they are being cheap for not wanting to spend a tonne of dough that night. i dont want this to be an issue. it sucks how money can really eff things up. blerg. (and to my ladies reading this: i want to help financially - i have tucked away some 'crazy' money to spend on the funnest night of the year. i dont care how un-normal it is. this whole wedding is going to be un-normal)
  
  
• i am proud of myself for working out during the commercial breaks of the biggest loser. not all of the breaks mind you, but enough to get me a little sweaty and out of breath.
  
  
• i am ashamed at the food choices i have been making lately. very unbalanced. (one meal a day plus a snack or two or three.) very unhealthy. (cadbury cream eggs, ranch flavored pringles, cookie dough, freezies, kraft dinner, subway - but not a 'healthy' sub, pizza, bacon, toast dripping with peanut butter and clover flavored honey, & more cadbury cream eggs) but i figure if i keep the calories under 2000 a day, it's ok right? probably not. on the plus side, i am drinking almost 2 litres of water a day. and i am cut off of booze for a while. that helps right?
  

i dont have much more to babble about. maybe later today i will be inspired to say more. until then: i bid you adieu

these tears of mine

i cried at work today. just a few tears of frustration. that turned into more tears rolling down my cheeks. it was in front of my new boss, so it was a little more embarassing than regular crying at work. (not that i regularly cry at work, but i think you catch my drift.) i cried because i couldn't articulate what i wanted to say into a report we were working on side by side. not because the task was difficult. because it wasn't. but because i couldn't grammatically say what i needed to say. it didnt last long. i only soggied about 1/2 a kleenex. and my boss was very nice about it. he didnt say anything to further acknowledge the water streaming from my eyes. i think he understands women cry when they are frustrated and we just need to get it out; not acknowledge or coddle it.
moving on.
this happens a lot. the crying. i cry when i have the pictures in my head, but when i go to speak or write them, the words don't exist. i am terrible at being articulate. when i was in school, the thesaurus was my 'cheat to sound smart' utensil. i remember in grade 7, we were asked to write a descriptive paragraph of our bedroom. instead of saying 'next to' i chose to use the word 'adjacent'. my teacher beamed when he read it. in fact he read it to the whole class. he gloated at my use of language. i kept my shift+F7 (in word) secret quiet. i used this little 'trick', if you could call it that, throughout high-school and college. i constantly received praise for my writing, how imaginative it was; how descriptive; how expressive. now that i dont have the luxury of flipping open my secret weapon i feel like i speak/write like a 6 year old. when no one is looking i sneak in a suggestion or two or more... but in regular conversation, i bomb. i feel like such a fraud. the worst is when i fight with my ry. he is really good at saying what he thinks (he should be a lawyer cause he is super quick at processing language) and i am completely the opposite. i have so much flowing through my head that i cant even see the pictures anymore, let alone get the words out of mouth. it can get really disastrous. hence the reason i cry. too much.
oh internet, thanks for helping me cheat through life. i wish i could implant you in my brain to forever assist in my choosing of words.

new kitteh tricks

when enzo eats she takes some cereal out of her dish, drops it on the ground and eats one kibble at a time. amos thinks this is amazing fun. so much so that he poke checks the pieces from her pile, to play with for a while before eating it himself. i heart my amos. he finds joy in everything.

wednesday ramblies

last night tv. goood.
lost. awesome good.
90210 and melrose. addicted again
cupcakes for dinner. good idea at the time.
waking up today. not so hard.
work. quiet. yeah.
head. hurty. migraine. no fun.
belly achy. cupcake revenge?
today better go by fast.
i miss my bed.

six more months to go, half a dozen of the past

in exactly six months from the time i started this post i will be walking down the aisle.

holy effing shit.

here is a little video my love ryan put together of our little 'short bus' cat, amos, and his first six months of life with us.

male bag

dear sinusy bits inside the nose,

effing stop dripping. effing stop being plugged.

return to normal.

kindest regards, sore nostrils

dear allergens,

effing disappear already. you make me hate this time of year.

you make me spend a lot of money on kleenex.

sincerely, i am trying to pay for a wedding

dear ryan,

thank-you for cleaning the kitchen while i bitch and moan, watch tv and write on my blog which i still havent let you read.

love, me

dear shaw tv,

thank-you for actually advertising that there is a "check out this new channel free for a month" to check out, instead of me just happening to stumble upon it two days before it ends. your marketing people FINALLY clued in!

with love, an avid tv watcher

dear bed,

i will see you in about 5 more minutes.

love, my sniffly, achy, self

oh mother

my mom is so cute. yesterday she phoned me to tell me that if you type someones name into google you can find all sorts of information about them.
thanks mom.
welcome to the year 2000.

beads beads beads

Check out Somi Speaks today for a beautiful post about Bead Up and entry for a free giveaway of some fabulous jewelery.
Happy winning!

when i break i tend to fall

i couldnt stop crying. i never cry in public. okay, maybe the odd time during a sad movie, but i dont bawl out loud or DRENCH tissues with tears. but saturday i did. i cried my effing face off for about an hour outside a boutique that sells clothes for puppies. i hope they dont look back on their security tapes. i hope they dont watch and judge the "adult conversation discussion fight" ry and i had outside their store. there wasnt yelling, but if you were walking past you would know that we werent talking about how pretty and exciting the fireworks were.

i have never liked fighting in public. i think those things should happen behind closed doors, in the comfort of your own space. plus, how much do you laugh when you see a couple having a mini-brawl in public? i know i secretly laugh. guess the jokes on me now.

it all started cause i threw a bit of a tantrum. im not proud of it now. then i got uber (do people still use that word?) pissed off. i am not even sure about what. i was just in a sour grapes kinda mood. ry called me out and told me he didnt want to be around me if i was going to be like this. more words were exchanged. i started to get mad that he didnt understand that i was mad at him for not understanding why i was mad. it doesnt even make sense now... and then i started to cry. just a quiver of the chin to start. then a single tear. then my eyes welled. i tried to be strong. to not be 'the one who cries in every fight'. more words are said. i start to cry. really cry. i soaked the three pieces of kleenex i had on me. ryan hugged me. comforted me. told me it was going to be ok. i continued to bawl. i drooled a bit on his jacket. when i thought i had no more tears i stepped back to compose myself. i took one look at ryan and started to bawl again. this happened about 4 times. gawd i hope security doesnt watch that tape.

throughout most of my waterworks, i couldnt understand why i was so upset. i had no reason to be upset. ry and i have had worse fights and were i havent shed a tear. so what the eff right? later i thought about it and realized all the things i couldnt articulate had to come out another way - unfortunately it was through a major cry-fest in front of a fancy shop for dog clothes. i thought about how unstable i feel right now. about how unsure of wtf is going to happen over the next year. about how my new meds help me fake it better, but give me bad thoughts when i am alone. about how miserable i am and why i am not allowing myself to change. i thought about andrew koenig. how that could be me. i thought about how distant i feel from everyone around me. how i barely know people anymore. was it me? or them? i dont even know... about how great ry is and i cant even appreciate it. (i mean seriously, he puts up with A LOT of my baggage. and he doesnt lose any love for me once we carry it up another flight of stairs) i dont understand how one can love me so much. i am very very lucky to have him in my life.

and as pathetic as it sounds i think it brought ryan and i closer together. i filled him in on a lot of stuff that i have been bottling up. we're good news bears now. and that feels good (insert sunshine and unicorns here)

i still have a lot to fix though. i still have things to resolve. i still have a life to be lived. just gotta work on doing it one day at a time.

*******

thank-you internet for being my sounding board. i know my posts can be a little dark sometimes. better to be said 'out loud' than stuck in my head though.

dont worry about me.

i will be ok.

cheers, k

getting my march on

review time! let's see how i did:

1. lose 10 pounds by the end of the month. we dont own a scale, but Ry has said he can tell i have lost some of my winter fat. my pants are a little loser but i have yet to go down a size. things fit a little better (i dont feel like a sausage in my clothes, as much as i did a month ago) and my chin fat isnt as prevalent in photos... here's hoping march is more successful

2. practise windsor pilates at least 3 times a week for 20 minutes each time. easy breezy. easy breezy my ass. i MAJOR failed on this one. i didnt even come close to getting near a vcr (yes, vcr) to put the tape in. i did, however, stick to doing my push-ups and i must say my arms are looking better than ever.

3. attend at least 3 olympic-related festivities happening around the city. MAJOR success! i adventured out to a bunch of different activities and pavilions and parties. yesterday being the most awesome day EVER! we hosted a gold medal brunch and had a bunch of peeps over to watch the game. every time canada scored we screamed along with THOUSANDS of other fans in the downtown core of vancouver. it was epic. i have never heard the city so loud with pride. it was a momentous and exciting game that is etched in my mental photo album forever. after donning more canadianna apparel we ventured to robson and granville to be part of the chaos and celebration. it was wall-to-wall (sidewalk-to-sidewalk?) people cheering and hollering and screaming and chanting of LOUUUUUU and Crosby Rocks! at one point it felt like there was five people for every square foot of road. no better time to be a canadian.

As for my march goals, i havent decided what to concentrate on this month. things are super sketchy right now. i had a breakdown on saturday night. in public. during a time when we were supposed to be happy and celebratory. me not so much. i'll get into it another time.
i think for now i will just concentrate on living one day at a time. doing the little things that need to get done. like paying rent. and emptying the dishwasher. simple goals that i can actually achieve.

for now i leave you with this:
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.
It goes on.
~Robert Frost

the harder we fall...

i am coming up to a major fork in my road of life soon. my contract for work is up at the end of october. no guarantees of another position, or an extension. im not scared. i *should* be able to find something else within the company. (yeah for networking (or begging (or greasing someones palm))) but do i really want to stay? its tuff to decide. the benefits and perks are super awesome. the people are decent. its really close to my home, food, & transit. if i can get into the department i want, then things will be wicked cool. the negatives are things i shouldnt go into. i dont want it to bite me in the ass. you never know who might stumble across my words... lets just say i got screwed by HR and let down by my former manager. no ill though. i am over it.
with all the bs happening in our apartment building ry and i are looking to move somewhere else. i refuse to move to the burbs. commuting = fiery death to me. i dont trust it to get me where i need to go on time, and refuse to have to wake up earlier so i can catch the bus before the one i actually need to catch, just so i can ensure that i actually do get to work on time. the rental rates in our current (and super awesome) neighbourhood are nearing the top of feasible affordability budget (is that even a real thing?). i am convinced rental rates will go even higher after the olympics are over. boo effing hoo. so we are thinking of moving to another part of the province. closer to ry's family and friends.
where he grew up.
where he feels at home.
where everything shuts down at 6pm.
where it snows in the winter (yeah! <- not sarcastic) and has uber hot summers (also yeah with no sarcasm).
where we will need two vehicles, cause its not a pedistrian friendly city.
where i will be far away (4 hours) from my family and friends.
where i only know a handful of people.
where living expenses are not as high as vancouver, but are getting up there.
where he wants to raise a family.
where we can get a dog, and keep our kittehs w/o fear of being caught and evicted.
where we can start a new chapter.
its a big change i am not sure i am ready for.
i am not sure i am ready to give up the 5 years of stability and good things i have at my work (assuming i get another job with this company)
to move far away from my parents.
to start a family and not have my mom there to support me.
to live in a city that has mediocre shopping, rarely gets the 'good concerts', has no real buzz like vancouver does.
change is tough. blerg.
to throw another wrench into the works, ry has been "temporarily" laid off because there is no work for his company right now (he's in construction). his previous lay-off lasted 4 months. this time its indefinite. which is effing scary. we can still pay the bills, and buy groceries (uhh, i mean order pizza hut twice a week), but we're trying to save for a wedding. a wedding we had hoped to pay for without going into mass amounts of debt. a wedding that is 6 months and 11 days away.
blerg. i know we'll be fine. i know things will work out. its just the last thing we need on our plate right now. its weird. all my married friends tell me how stressful planning a wedding is, and how much relief it is once its over. for me that's not the case. its all the other shit happening that is adding stress to my shoulders. the wedding is the least of my worries. for now...

but today is a new day. and (hopefully) things can only go up from here.
lets end on a funny note, shall we?

what is green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree, it could kill you?

a pool table.

wednesday giggles

on the lighter side... amos discovered what is at the bottom of an empty kleenex box.

(his toy and whole lot of nuthin')

he also takes the short bus. can you tell?

the story of nicole

May 23rd rolls by as memories often do. She grimaces at the past. recalling what could have been. what might have been. what would no longer be. pondering how certain moments stay with us, while others simply vanish. May 23rd will never go away.
*****
he picked her up so they could hang at his place, instead of under the watchful eye of her father. a father who was not watching very carefully. or if he was he didnt notice. they drove to his place. fooled around. he smoked. she declined. getting stoned wasnt her thing. anymore. yet. her stash of prescription pills stolen from parental medicine cabinets called to her from the bottom of her purse. she was saving them for later. like a squirrel saving acorns for the winter.

lets go for a drive.

through the forest they meandered. along a road meant for park service vehicles. little paths branched from the main artery. deeper in the forest still. trees surrounded by the city. in a city by the beach.

he parked in a clearing. rain dropped down from the canopy. he folded the hatch-back seats flat, layed down some blankets and escorted her to the nest he had made. they could look up and see the trees. and the sky. and the silence that surrounded them.

it started with a kiss. something they both wanted. something they both needed. to belong. to be a part of something greater than themselves. how lame. how pathetic. how much they needed it at the time. the kisses led to things that kisses lead to. eventually he on top of her. doing things that teenagers shouldn't be doing, but finding some reason to justify it. she looked up, through his eyes to the sky above. enjoying the moment, but lost in the trees. no cares if they get caught. the acceptance and bond and attention was what she craved. its what she got.

love ended in a heap of passion. they dress. he smokes a cigarette. hadn't he told her he quit? she waits patiently for him to finish.

they drive to a home she is not familiar with. this is Jimmy's he says. lets hang out here for a while. they have satalite tv and every video game system you can imagine. and a pool. and a tonne of food in the fridge. she follows him through the front door. he says he'll be right back. she makes herself comfortable on the long leather couch in front of the tv next to some stranger who is watching a UFC fight. five, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty minutes go by without a sign of anyone but the stranger. the stranger offers her a drink. no thanks. perhaps a clue would help her out more.

he comes back. pie-eyed. too stoned to recall how long he was gone. thanks for nothing. she thinks. i have to go now, she says, can you give me a ride? just call your dad, he says. not an option. he concedes. he climbs begrudgingly into the car. she into the passenger seat. he books it towards her father's house. no care for his speed. no care for his passenger.

she asks him to drop her off at the arcade on the beach. she wants to grab some candy from the convenience store next door. he complies. she kisses him goodnight and pretends to walk inside the arcade. he peels out of the dirt lot. she walks away. away from the arcade. away from the store. towards the tracks. towards the beach. towards the sunset.

its 6.43. the sky is clear. stars are starting to poke through the navy colours in the east. pinks and purples and oranges and reds sink into the west. she sits on the tracks. obscured by the bushes. enough not to be seen, but enough to not look like its on purpose. she is mesmorized by the sunset. what it all means. the end of the day.

she sits and ponders the events of the day. wonders her importance in the life of the boy who supposedly loved her. if this were so, he wouldnt abandon her. but when they are together, just the two, its like nothing else matters.

her heart breaks a little as she continues to analyze her self and her worth. contemplating why she treats herself the way she does. why she lets others treat her the way they do. its all for acceptance though. being somebody matters. as long as your not nobody.

a train whistle blows. the 7.10 train is getting ready to cross the border. she considers waiting for it. sitting on the rail. hidden by the brambles of blackberry bushes and grasses that claim both sides of the track. she picks up a piece of shale that makes the bed of the track. she throws it and listens as it bounces across the rocks on the other side of the bushes.

she waits and ponders some more. about school. about life. about anything that should matter. the whistle blows again. the train has come round the bend and is on its way to the city. a few miles through native land, over a bridge, and it would be at her feet. her heavy cement feet.

she looks around for someone. anyone who will see her and yell for her to run. to jump. to get out of the way. sadly there is no one. no one to rescue her. not that she needs rescuing, or so she tells herself.  the whistle blows again. it wakes her out of her coma. responsibility and expectations come flooding back. her insatiable burden to please everyone and not disappoint them overtakes her and she steps off the track, meandering towards the water.

after the train passes she lies down on the grass near the waves. staring up at the stars. at what she almost became. her secret safe inside her head.

further down the track she hears the whistle again. she gets up and decides to head home. three blocks to her bedroom. comfort. sleep. when she steps through the front door her father asks where she has been. at the beach with him. she lies. why are your eyes red? he asks. we got in a fight and i walked home. she lies even more. the truth is just too ugly. too complicated. too pathetic.

she escapes to her bedroom and silently cries herself to sleep where she cant get hurt. he pages her at one in the morning. 143. i love you.

*****
the train was late that day. she was the only one that noticed.

i really fuct it up this time

i am musically illiterate. my music sources are the radio in the car on my way home from work (a 5 minute drive) and music in the mall or on tv. i have my staples that i follow and steal from (sorry). other than that i really on hills to introduce me to new songs i can dance and cry to (not necessarily in the same song, but sometimes). this weekend she made me a compilation of fun and rock out and mellow tunes to feed my ears. i am now in love with "little lion man" by mumford and sons.

check 'em out:

Little Lion Man

I am most in love with the lyrics.

Especially:

You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

let the countdown begin. again.

i am getting married in exactly 200 days. insert stressful but excited emotions here. also insert *a bit* of panic because people are not rsvp'ing.

ghost mouse

remember ghost cat? i think we may now have a ghost mouse. amos has been consistently spending more and more time with his nose in the corner, waiting for something. 

then when he gets tired of waiting, he lies down.

and sometimes tries to nod off.

then enzo comes by and scoffs.

then amos backs up and chases her away...

(couldn't even attempt to get picture of these two running... they are fast little creatures.)

so back to ghost mouse. not sure what amos is really after, or if he is just mentally slow (not that there is anything wrong with that). i am ok with mice. as long as they dont surprise me or shit in or on my stuff. (i have standards you know). with three cats in the house i am hoping at least one of them catches it and sends it to mouse heaven or hell. 

unless living here, with three cats is his mouse hell.... 

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNN..........

this might make you pee

to brighten your day listen to this story:
The Best Meal I Have Ever Had by John Mulaney

and if you need some more funny:
John Takes the Subway

Enjoy!

the hurt that i have caused

another new fun side effect of my new med: clarity. good for focusing on work. not so good for conjuring up old memories or suppressing YEARS of guilt.

*****

(a pre-emptive apology - i have not ever been in a 12 step program, and i commend those who have accomplished the struggle; my post in no way is meant to belittle the steps, so i hope it doesnt come across like that)

*****

i feel like i am in 12 steps. and the guilt overwhelms me.
i am reviewing my life and am at a point where i want to make amends with those i have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. i want to apologize to my first 'long term' boyfriend for all the asshole things i did. i was really bad to him. i want to apologize to my parents for not including them in some pretty momentous occasions in my life. i want to apologize to my brother for some traumatic stuff i did to him when we were young. i want to apologize to those friends who disappeared from my life; whether due to my lack of attention or not, i feel like i need to say sorry. for all those times i bailed flaked out last minute; for all those times i lied because i felt bad saying no; for all those times i had good intentions, but chose to be selfish instead. and i want to apologize to my self for treating me so badly. i have a lot of sorry's to say.

i am not sure how to approach this though. am i selfish for wanting to get rid of the guilt i feel for my poor behaviour? does someone who i haven't spoken to in almost 11 years want to hear an apology for something that they probably could care less about? is it worth opening those cans of worms? do i really need to let my ex know i cheated on him, full well knowing that i was going to end the relationship? do i do the whole 'write a letter, but don't actually send it' thing to make myself feel better? Do i spill every sin i have committed, or only the ones that won't really hurt? should i be vague or explicit? BLERG!

dear internet people,
please send me your advice.
any little tidbit will help.
thanks!

van-lympics

here are some of the highlights that i have captured:

during speed skating at the oval, someone had to clear a bat in the hanger.

We went back in time.

Fondue for two at Swiss house.

Possibly the coolest apartment in the WestEnd.

best. zamboni. ever.

Stay tuned for more 'you won't see these anywhere else' pictures of the van-lympics.