Proud Of's and Not So Proud Of's in the Oh-Nine

Proud Of's:
- Keeping on task with wedding planning. Only 251 more days to go....
- Losing 14 lbs without trying very hard (imagine what i can do if i put in effort...)
- Taking the initiative to up my meds when i am feeling low, instead of getting sucked back into the darkness that i used to live in
- Landing a new job after dealing with all the extraneous crap i put up with in my last one
- Adding a new member to the family: Amos
- Finally enrolling in some online courses to further my edumacation
- Going to some pretty epic concerts
- Showing my ex that i am MUCH better off without him, and i have a gorgeous rock on my finger to prove it

Not-So-Proud Of's:
- How immature i have been regarding my work situation
- Being an asshole to Ry when he doesn't deserve it
- Spending a lot of time not working than working (but i get everything done, so does that count?)
- My attitude towards others hasn't been the greatest (my temper gets shorter every day...)
- Replying instead of forwarding a very bad response to the HR manager... whoops!
- Not slowing down enough to enjoy life
- Complaining about the little things
- Watching so much TV

i am sure there are plenty more things to add to the lists. may those R.I.P.

Happy New Year! And may 2010 rock even more than 2009!

Losing Some Baggage

Now that Christmas is over and most of the leftovers are eaten, i can actually start on my plan to get into a better shape (round is a shape, but not the one i want to be in). i am kick-starting the reshaping by doing a detox cleanse to "get rid of the toxins in my body." basically a bunch of natural colon blaster pills that scrape your intestines of all the crap that shouldn't be there. no pun intended. its not supposed to give you the runs for two weeks straight (hopefully) but be ' a gentle and natural cleanse'. to top it off i vow to take the stairs whenever possible as well as do at least 20 push-ups a day.

think i can do it? probably not. but i wont let that stop me.

What Keeps Me Up @ Night

I need to learn how to get over my insecurities.
I need to learn how to articulate my thoughts better.
I need to learn how to maneuver through life without falling down.
I need to learn how to accept that i will fall and that it's ok.
I need to learn how to let people in.
I need to learn how to procrastinate less.
I need to learn how to take action.
I need to learn how to let it go.
I need to learn how to be vulnerable around others.
I need to learn how to get in shape.
I need to learn how to appreciate what i have.
I need to learn how to take one day at a time.
I need to learn how to be a better person.
I need to learn how to calm down.
I need to learn how to take more responsibility for my self.
I need to learn how to breathe.
I need to learn how.
I need to.

I'm Just Another Girl Who Wants To Know

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Re-evaluating my self and actions and words. Looking for patterns of balance in my life and patterns of destruction. Understanding what is good for me and what needs to change in order for my sanity to move forward.

I have always been the person who has lots of acquaintances but not a lot of super close friends. i have my 2 or 3 besties, but we each have our own little worlds that we live in. Looking back in my friendship history i noticed that whenever i did get close to someone it suddenly collapsed and the friendship disintegrated for some unknown reason. i always wondered if it was me, if i was the catalyst that ruins things. maybe it was them. maybe they had things happening that they needed to move on from me for whatever reason. i just wish i knew that reason. in my 'can't let it go' obsessive mind i want to contact my former friends and ask what happened to end the friendship. but my fear of their judgement and sardonic pity prevents me from doing so.
instead i ponder.
did i suffocate those around me with my insecurities?
was i the one to abandon ship without saving anyone else?
am i completely oblivious to what is really happening?
am i so out of touch that i cant even see myself as the poison in the apple?

i think i'd just prefer to walk alone than really know the truth.

12 days of 2009

There are 13 days left this year. Kind of frightening consider how quickly it has gone by already. All of the chaos that has happened this year is jumbling in my head. Especially the crap with my former job. I am still disgusted with the lack of resolve, but i just need to move forward. How do i let the anger go? How do i get rid of the resentment i have? How do i forgive (ha!) and forget?
i have a really difficult time letting go when i feel my concerns have not been addressed appropriately. especially when the people who hurt me get off Scot-free.
Just breathe.

-*-*-*-*-

I have begun to think of New Year's resolutions to actually stick to, which is rare, since i usually break them before the end of January 1st. Since i am holding myself more accountable with the decisions i make, i plan (and please kick my ass into gear if i don't) to create a list of 5 things to accomplish each month. Smart things like reading, doing continued education courses for work, exercising. Maybe a not so smart thing like baking something yummy every week. Maybe something fun like planning surprise dates for Ry. I will start off with 5 items each month and bump it up to 10 if i feel 5 is too easy. ha. we'll see about that. Stay tuned for my first list posted on January 1.

and remember: just breathe.

Random December Updates

• Amos becomes a eunuch tomorrow. Poor little guy...
• I am recovering from my 3rd bout of pneumonia. No hospital trip this time, which means no needles. Whoo!
• Chocolate milk is my new favorite drink. It must be ice cold though. And served with a straw. Preferably a bendy straw.
• Honeymoon planning is trickier than i first thought. The prices we are quoted for the place we want to go to keep changing (for the worse) and although we still have months to book it, i am worried we will end up in a shitty resort filled with families with noisy children.
• Ry is still super stressy about finding a location for our reception. Hopefully this passes. I think its because other parts of his life are stressy and are beyond his control, so he is becoming stressy about the things he can control.
• I finished a great book called Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey. It is one i will keep on the shelf and read again when i am in a lull.
• I wish i had more motivation to get my life together. i feel like i am doing the bare minimum. and i dont care, but i do care that it is affecting people around me. i dont like to be a disappointment.
• I want to crawl under the heavy duvet on my bed and sleep until January....

9 months minus one day...

... until the big day. We have accomplished a lot but still have quite a bit to do. Ry is starting to get stressed about the location of our reception. I know we can't really prep for it until we know our numbers, which will be in early Spring. I'm not worried. Vegas is the type of place where you can plan your wedding in 3 days. And with ours being mid-week, we should have no issues with booking the place we really want. Fingers crossed.

Things to be Thankful for Today:

- today being Friday, and at 4pm, it will be the furthest moment from having to be at work again.
- my (cheat) lunch of grilled cheese and shaved ham on white bread. mm gooey hot goodness.
- that i found my wedding dress with minimal stress
- that i was able to book off the entire time from work that i had hoped to for my wedding
- approval for continuing education (i'm going to get my PMP!) and my work will pay for it all
- improved posture, money in my pocket, and kittens.

ps. i have been really good with food all week - all 4 food groups with every meal, and only 2 glasses of (white) wine during the department's christmas lunch. i need to get back on the breakfast bandwagon, cause i crash hard in the afternoon. I will make that nest week's 'work on me' project. and i am still doing pushups every 2nd day, with stretches and other ab things (switching it up each day) to keep my body working. high five to me.

How Many Christmas's This Year...

My parents are divorced. No big deal. It was a fairly painless process (for me) and somewhat exciting because it meant two birthday's, two Christmas's and twice the amount of vacation travelling. As a kid, more presents always equals more fun (spoiled brat, i know). This year, however, because of some upcoming nuptials (i.e. mine) Christmas is going to be a bit quieter. We'll still do the decorating and the visiting and the eating and the bonding, but gifting not so much. Don't get me wrong, i am all about saving more money to spend on the wedding, but it doesn't seem like Christmas to me if i can't spoil the ones i love. On both of my parents sides, we are doing a secret Santa. Easy breezy. Both people i picked are super easy to buy for. I feel guilty for not getting the others anything though... like my mom. How can i not buy my mom something for Christmas? i know and fully understand that Christmas isn't about the gifts, but my mom busts her ass to support herself, and she rarely - if ever - does anything nice for herself. I want to spoil her. She is the most deserving person. And i can afford to spoil her, so why not?
On Ry's side, his family doesn't want to do any sort of exchanging this year. I mean, i guess that's ok, but still - how about a little something - like a donation to a charity, or a silly gift? I am going to have a hard time not getting them anything. I will probably cheat and make something special for everyone. Maybe a piece of art courtesy of Amos and Enzo that can be hung on the fridge (ooo good idea!) or an ornament for the tree where the proceeds go to a shelter or charity.
Is it selfish of me to still give people something because i feel guilty they don't want anything?
It's the thought that counts, not the dollars spent right? blerg.
Holidays are complicated. :S