monday mail bag. more angry than the normal version.

dear c-word in the green jetta in front of me on the way home last night,

Yah, Hi! i saw you looking down every two seconds to add another letter to your text. i noticed how much you weren't paying attention to the GREEN light in front of you. i knew you had no idea that the vehicle in front of you had gone through the intersection and it was your turn to go. but you sure noticed when i laid on my horn. boy did you jump. i bet you mis-typed on your i-phone. or was it a blackberry? i couldn't tell cause you were doing such an amazing job pretending that you WEREN'T TEXTING AND DRIVING. but my favorite part is when you thought i was following you through the city (honestly i actually was going the same way) and you proceeded to go at least 30-50km over the speed limit. i sure wish the cops had been on granville to catch you. it would have made my day.

all the best in your future texts, the ford escape behind you

dear border guards

thank-you for allowing me to cross the border with slightly more than the alloted amount and not making me pay duty. it really, really helped with my limited budget. plus i like sticking it to the man.

love, a pretend anarchist

dear charmin,

you make a fucking awesome toilet paper. i am so amazed at how it doesn't crumb. i wish i could afford you all the time. rest assured, when i win the millions that are due to me, i will have an entire closet in my home dedicated to you, so that i will never run out.

love, a non-paper-crumby bum

dear food inc.

thank you for opening my eyes to the evil that exists in the food industry. it is sad that farmers are forced to comply or go under. i hope that this can change - the sooner the better. otherwise we are going to turn into mutants who eat deep-fried circles as food. i mean seriously? have you seen these?

love, a former processed food eater

ps tyson foods - fucking shame on you.

dear city of vancouver,

lets spend some more money on bike lanes so that the kids, whose schools will be closing next year due to lack of funds, will have somewhere to cycle.

regards, a city dweller who is somewhat tolerant of the bicycling kind (i only like the ones that follow the law)

friday fumduddlery

• yeah for it being the furthest point from having to be back at work again. cause fuck you monday.
• i made chocolate cake and had some for breakfast. you only judge because you wish you did it too.
• there is a one-in-28-million chance of winning the $50 million lottery tonight. i am that one. you can toss your ticket away.
• my high school 10 year reunion was held recently. due to the fact that i am still friends with the only two people from high school i actually would want to see, i didn't go. after seeing the pictures of the only 17 or so people (out of a class of 250-ish) who did go, i am glad i didn't waste my time. yah that's right. i said it. i had better places to get drunk.
• i finally got around to waxing the lower portion of my legs. i can now wear skirts and bermudas with-out the shame of looking like an ape or a man or a lesbian high school teacher.
• i have been wanting to burst out crying a lot lately for no reason. i am not sure if its a period thing, a med side effect, or what. i haven't actually done it, but i am sure there is going to be a moment soon in a really public place where i will hear some random song from my past that will cause me to have a public breakdown and i will have to be escorted out of the store. i seriously need to stop watching mall cops on tlc.
• 75 days til i am wed. not stressy yet. i just want the drinking to begin.
• have a fabulous weekend. i am going to.

i think you just answered your own #%* question...

i fear driving with one of my friends (who shall remain nameless). i only drive with him if i absolutely HAVE to, and only on very short drives. "but why?" do you ask... because he is the epitome of asshole drivers. he bitches and complains about 'those other drivers' but he should be their king. and here is why:

the other day, said friend picked me up to take me and his wife 8 blocks from my house to the most amazing thing ever (a cupcake competition!!! yum, yum, yum, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, bellyache, poop frosting, crave more cupcakes...)
as we were making the final right turn to our destination, there was a lady on a moped in front of us, who was also making a right turn. she also happened to use her left arm to indicate that she was turning right. all of a sudden our gracious driver yells out "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU USING YOUR ARM FOR!?!?!?! THAT'S WHAT FUCKING SIGNALS ARE FOR!!!! OH THAT'S RIGHT YOUR FUCKING MOPED DOESN'T HAVE THEM!!! GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!"
From the back seat i blatantly replied "umm, she is using her arm because, although she does have a signal on her moped, which is on and indicating she is turning, she is also using her arm to show you she is turning right, in case you can't see her turn signal. so essentially she is doing YOU the favor."

he shut right up after that.

frickin laser

stolen from some random on google images

(would link but i think he stole it too...)

i hate body hair. i hate hair removal. its such an annoying and effort-full process. a few years ago i determined lazering 'down unda' would help in the shaving/waxing department (and yes i did the math) i went for a few sessions and then abandoned ship because the lady cut* me with the razor**, in a spot that was a little TOO close to my sphincter for my liking.

Anyhoodle, today i went back for the third to last time (cause its working, yeah!!) and my new laser lady is frickin AWESOME! She is super funny and very relaxy and laid-back and you dont mind that she is manipulating and zapping your labia with a frickin lazer while joking about how her cats cuddle up to her in the night, which gives her terrible allergies.

My saviour from the pain though: Emla the numbing cream - a pussy whose about to be lazered's best friend.

only 2 more sessions until i have the undersmile of a porn star. this better be worth it.

*the cut was so bad that it bled all the way home (5 blocks) and actually scabbed (yes, i HAD to check, just to see how bad it actually was)

**yes, before getting lazered you have to shave every single hair that you want lazered off, including your anal hairs. if you can't reach or get all of them, the lazer'er will do it for you; this can be a little awkward when they use a dollar store bic and go quickly (SERIOUSLY?!?!) against the grain (OUCH!). boys - its not as sexy as it sounds.

581

581 un-read items in my reader. i am embarrassed. i am going to read them all tonight.

love.

rememories

remember back when...
- i made a resolution to post a minimum of every 3 days...
- the winter olympics were the sunniest part of this year thus far...
- being in school right now meant sports day, class trips to the beach, and ice cream day with the excitement of summer vacation being right around the corner...
- the idea of having a second cat, to keep your first cat from being lonely, except now all they do is make a shitload of noise as they 'play' fight and chase each other through-out your no-pets building, was a good idea...
- having a dad who was single meant that his life wasn't dictated by his 'new' wife and her anti-social needs...
- having the hiccups was still funny after 20 minutes...
- buying a condo/loft/apartment in downtown Vancouver was actually feasible for someone in my financial bracket...
- Kanye was a gay fish on South Park...
- i didn't know what it felt like to be bi-polar...
- 'staying up late' didn't mean going to bed before 1030pm...
- it was easy to have more than 2 glasses of wine without getting a hangover...
- time went slowly, fat wasn't so quick to develop around the belly, and life was full of open doors and endless opportunities...

i have been so caught up in everything that i haven't had the time to be still and reflect on the chaos in my head.
wedding plans & details - pending and in progress; coming along smoothly
health - all over the place; i broke up with my chiro cause "its not you, its me..."; i may be soon diagnosed as schizophrenic; my back is seizing so much that i can't get dressed by myself in the morning; BUT my asthma is doing very well - horray!
family - doing awesome, i think my bro found 'the one' - we'll see if they elope in Vegas in sept.
work - i only have 140 days left until my contract is up and i have no job, no benefits, no perks. no pressure to find a new job, yah rite...
weight-loss - i can fit into pants that i haven't been able to wear in almost 2 years. LOVE it! my 'lazi(wo)man's exercise routine' is actually working!

however some days i wish there was a pause button for the DVR of my life... then maybe i could conquer the world...