ummm i unclear on computer things

so i guess its pretty obvious i dont know how to add videos in an appropriate size. i totally meant to do it this way.

monday funnies

hey kittens,
sorry i have been a little vacant. its been a busy couple of days. here is a little something something to hold you over til my next post. Enjoy!

wtf wednesday

just a couple of tidbits today, kids. mama's got some boils to pop*.

• did you SEE tyra's outfit at tonight's elimination on ANTM??? WTF?!?!? the best part was one of the model-hopefuls showed up in black skinny jeans a silver, lamé cut-out bathing suit and tyra had the gall to say her outfit was inappropriate. all i have to say is "take a look in the mirror tyra". (<-- pretend i said this in a thick ghetto accent and snapped my fingers like i should be on ricki lake)
• bad news: the cheap airport by my home is shutting down for the first three weeks of september. WTF?!?!? i planned to leave for my wedding on Sept 1. and now it will have to be out of the expensive airport with the expensive airlines. can you hear the money running away from my pocketbook? i can.
• dont forget to share your voice on April 5 about issues that face women. Check out Marie's blog Cafe for the deet's
  

night kittens!

*totally NOT true. just trying to make ya giggle. or gag. you choose.

yeah for tuesdays

a mish mash of quickies (tee hee):

• ryan will have a job to go to at least until the wedding. and most likely afterwards to. unless we win the lottery. then its "buh bye working for a living".
• lost tonight: WTF?!?!?! such a great episode. and i love how the writers let you know so much, yet leave you still asking so many more questions by the time the episode is over. i cat wait to find out how it ends!
• eating healthier has not improved the headache situation. meh. i can deal with it. i have dealt with worse.
• did you watch Oprah today? LOVED that (repeated) episode - about the dangers of texting while driving. i dont text that much and never do so behind the wheel (tried once = major fail. i put the phone down before i could do any harm). i cant comprehend why people have the 'i can do it' mentality when it is SO EFFING OBVIOUS they dont. two of my close friends are super ignorant about their being on the phone or texting while driving. i want to force them to watch this Oprah episode until it finally CLICKS that they are not a supertexter who can do no wrong on the road. i would hate for either of them to hurt or kill themselves or someone else because of their stupidity. one of these people has a 9-month old son and it would absolutely destroy her if anything happened to him. i hope she watched the show today.

please take the time to sign the pledge saying you WILL NOT be a distracted driver.

thank-you.

my dirty little secret

CAUTION: avert your eyes if you cant handle a little dirty talk. i warned ya!

i used to be a slut promiscuous girl. i was the first among my friends to be "deflowered". my boyfriend and i at the time went from 3rd base to home and beyond pretty quickly. we fuct like rabbits. then we broke up. and i started college. i went through a period where i was sleeping (on average) with a new guy every month for 12 consecutive months. i once slept with 3 different guys in one 24-hour period. i was THISCLOSE to having a threesome with the hottest guy in one of my classes and his roommate, but some mis-communication made that night a major fail. i blame the radio class for that. effing virgin! i have had sex on the beach; in a car; on a sail boat; in every room of the house; in pools; in hot tubs; in saunas; in the front hallway of a friends house (while he was in another room) whilst on the phone with another friend; on the side of the road; up against a tree; on a cruise ship; on a giant rock; on a balcony in the rain; in backyards; on the side of a highway; in a forest; under a waterfall next to a raging river; tied to a bed post; on stairs and various pieces of furniture (ps - rocking chairs fucking rock). i have had sex with a man who was 14 years my senior; with a boy who was 2 years my junior; with a college football star (who had the biggest dick i have ever had the experience of experiencing) in a restroom stall at a fancy-ish restaurant; in his parents bed; in a limo; while people were sleeping less than 3 meters away; while people were watching; during the countdown at new years; at a racetrack; on a roof top balcony; in a hotel room while his girlfriend was in another part of the hotel; in my dads SUV (while he was sleeping nearby in a tent) and under the stars. i have had sex with men from 5 different countries. i got to 2nd with random lady friends. i made out with 9 different people in one club in the course of 3 hours. (one of them being a guy who i had crushed on since grade 8 - he had been in grade 11 and NEVER knew i even existed. so SCORE!) i gave the best blow-jobs in many a location that would make my mother die of shock. I have made my own porn; met a guy on the internet, met him in real life and am too ashamed to say what happened next(and yes i know how effing stupid that was. i will never ever do it again) i have strip teased to my partner's utter delight; played with wax, toys, ice, feathers, dressing up, (massage) oil, and some other things that i am not ready to say out loud; i have had sex in most of the positions listed in this book; i have been showing boys my tits since i was in grade nine (bobby never could wipe the smile off his face). in the 12 years of sharing my special purpose (bonus points for those who get that reference) i have had some sexy times.

why am i telling you my sins?

because this is my 69th post.

and it just felt so good.

one day at a time

i am trying being a more positive person. i have my little mantras that i believe and i have posted inspiring quotes and aspirations in places where i will see them and think about them every day. i take one day at a time; still thinking about the future, but taking time to not fret about it. why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet? i am slowly coming to realize that things change so fast and so often that it is impossible to attempt to control it all. taking time to understand your wants and needs is the key. to recognize who you are, to find your niche in the world and make it your own.

ry is super stressy about work. he is making a certain $$$ amount at his current job (slated to end any day - eff you construction industry) and doesnt want to take a pay cut to go work somewhere else.

understandable.

at the same time, now is not really the time to not be working - because he cant find a job that will pay him what he is worth. he was recently offered a job which pays reasonably(about $5/hour less what he makes now) but its only part time. boourns. third wrench in the wheel is that a buddy of his in a far away city (about 4 hours away) offered to hire him and possibly be partners in order to start their own construction firm. yeah for us short term ($$$) not so yeah for long term (i am still not 100% certain of this whole moving to a city that doesnt have stores that are open later than 6pm; selfish, i know, but how many times have you needed an (insert item here) at 10pm or 2am? )

so decisions need to be made. which is making ryan super bummed. i know things will work out for the best. i know whatever option he chooses, we will make it work. we always do. the hard part is reassuring him of that. he has been so disheartened because he is such a good person who keeps getting ripped off in life. it sucks. he just wants a chance to succeed. to be the alpha male. to take care of me so we can start a family.

so how do i comfort him? how do i reassure him things will work out the way they are supposed to? how do i let him know that i dont think he is less of a man because of all the shit potentially hitting the fan? (his fear, not mine, he is always the king in my castle) how do i fix such a bruised and battered ego?

i hate seeing him hurt like this.

i want to make him understand and believe that everything will be ok.

because it will.

it has to.

thurday-isms

i have a whole bunch of thoughts in my head lately. nothing super coherent, but i will do my best to make sense of it for you.

• i have been having migraines on and off for the last couple of weeks. this also includes side effects of nausea and the spins. basically i feel like i am hungover and drunk at the same time. the last time i had episodes like this it lasted for 3 months and disappeared as quickly as they showed. my favorite part are the auras. so many colors, it brightens my day. my least favorite part is the head hurtees. the squeezing and the stabbing and the throbbing and the pain. oh my god, the pain. they have been pretty mild so far, but if it gets any worse, off to the dr. i go.
  
  
• i am super happy (and slightly shamed) that Gossip Girl, 90210, and Melrose Place are back on. umm, i totally just watch just for the fashion. and the shoes. and all the drama. but don't tell anyone. i'd much rather watch girl drama on tv than have it in my real life. i dont do well with real life drama.
  
  
• i am worried that my besties who are planning my stagette are (financially) going above and beyond what i imagined. i love my ladies, and they are already shelling out monies to come to vegas for the most amazing wedding of the decade. i dont want anyone to feel obligated to drop a mint on my last night of debauchery. i dont want anyone to feel like they are being cheap for not wanting to spend a tonne of dough that night. i dont want this to be an issue. it sucks how money can really eff things up. blerg. (and to my ladies reading this: i want to help financially - i have tucked away some 'crazy' money to spend on the funnest night of the year. i dont care how un-normal it is. this whole wedding is going to be un-normal)
  
  
• i am proud of myself for working out during the commercial breaks of the biggest loser. not all of the breaks mind you, but enough to get me a little sweaty and out of breath.
  
  
• i am ashamed at the food choices i have been making lately. very unbalanced. (one meal a day plus a snack or two or three.) very unhealthy. (cadbury cream eggs, ranch flavored pringles, cookie dough, freezies, kraft dinner, subway - but not a 'healthy' sub, pizza, bacon, toast dripping with peanut butter and clover flavored honey, & more cadbury cream eggs) but i figure if i keep the calories under 2000 a day, it's ok right? probably not. on the plus side, i am drinking almost 2 litres of water a day. and i am cut off of booze for a while. that helps right?
  

i dont have much more to babble about. maybe later today i will be inspired to say more. until then: i bid you adieu

these tears of mine

i cried at work today. just a few tears of frustration. that turned into more tears rolling down my cheeks. it was in front of my new boss, so it was a little more embarassing than regular crying at work. (not that i regularly cry at work, but i think you catch my drift.) i cried because i couldn't articulate what i wanted to say into a report we were working on side by side. not because the task was difficult. because it wasn't. but because i couldn't grammatically say what i needed to say. it didnt last long. i only soggied about 1/2 a kleenex. and my boss was very nice about it. he didnt say anything to further acknowledge the water streaming from my eyes. i think he understands women cry when they are frustrated and we just need to get it out; not acknowledge or coddle it.
moving on.
this happens a lot. the crying. i cry when i have the pictures in my head, but when i go to speak or write them, the words don't exist. i am terrible at being articulate. when i was in school, the thesaurus was my 'cheat to sound smart' utensil. i remember in grade 7, we were asked to write a descriptive paragraph of our bedroom. instead of saying 'next to' i chose to use the word 'adjacent'. my teacher beamed when he read it. in fact he read it to the whole class. he gloated at my use of language. i kept my shift+F7 (in word) secret quiet. i used this little 'trick', if you could call it that, throughout high-school and college. i constantly received praise for my writing, how imaginative it was; how descriptive; how expressive. now that i dont have the luxury of flipping open my secret weapon i feel like i speak/write like a 6 year old. when no one is looking i sneak in a suggestion or two or more... but in regular conversation, i bomb. i feel like such a fraud. the worst is when i fight with my ry. he is really good at saying what he thinks (he should be a lawyer cause he is super quick at processing language) and i am completely the opposite. i have so much flowing through my head that i cant even see the pictures anymore, let alone get the words out of mouth. it can get really disastrous. hence the reason i cry. too much.
oh internet, thanks for helping me cheat through life. i wish i could implant you in my brain to forever assist in my choosing of words.

new kitteh tricks

when enzo eats she takes some cereal out of her dish, drops it on the ground and eats one kibble at a time. amos thinks this is amazing fun. so much so that he poke checks the pieces from her pile, to play with for a while before eating it himself. i heart my amos. he finds joy in everything.

wednesday ramblies

last night tv. goood.
lost. awesome good.
90210 and melrose. addicted again
cupcakes for dinner. good idea at the time.
waking up today. not so hard.
work. quiet. yeah.
head. hurty. migraine. no fun.
belly achy. cupcake revenge?
today better go by fast.
i miss my bed.

six more months to go, half a dozen of the past

in exactly six months from the time i started this post i will be walking down the aisle.

holy effing shit.

here is a little video my love ryan put together of our little 'short bus' cat, amos, and his first six months of life with us.

male bag

dear sinusy bits inside the nose,

effing stop dripping. effing stop being plugged.

return to normal.

kindest regards, sore nostrils

dear allergens,

effing disappear already. you make me hate this time of year.

you make me spend a lot of money on kleenex.

sincerely, i am trying to pay for a wedding

dear ryan,

thank-you for cleaning the kitchen while i bitch and moan, watch tv and write on my blog which i still havent let you read.

love, me

dear shaw tv,

thank-you for actually advertising that there is a "check out this new channel free for a month" to check out, instead of me just happening to stumble upon it two days before it ends. your marketing people FINALLY clued in!

with love, an avid tv watcher

dear bed,

i will see you in about 5 more minutes.

love, my sniffly, achy, self

oh mother

my mom is so cute. yesterday she phoned me to tell me that if you type someones name into google you can find all sorts of information about them.
thanks mom.
welcome to the year 2000.

beads beads beads

Check out Somi Speaks today for a beautiful post about Bead Up and entry for a free giveaway of some fabulous jewelery.
Happy winning!

when i break i tend to fall

i couldnt stop crying. i never cry in public. okay, maybe the odd time during a sad movie, but i dont bawl out loud or DRENCH tissues with tears. but saturday i did. i cried my effing face off for about an hour outside a boutique that sells clothes for puppies. i hope they dont look back on their security tapes. i hope they dont watch and judge the "adult conversation discussion fight" ry and i had outside their store. there wasnt yelling, but if you were walking past you would know that we werent talking about how pretty and exciting the fireworks were.

i have never liked fighting in public. i think those things should happen behind closed doors, in the comfort of your own space. plus, how much do you laugh when you see a couple having a mini-brawl in public? i know i secretly laugh. guess the jokes on me now.

it all started cause i threw a bit of a tantrum. im not proud of it now. then i got uber (do people still use that word?) pissed off. i am not even sure about what. i was just in a sour grapes kinda mood. ry called me out and told me he didnt want to be around me if i was going to be like this. more words were exchanged. i started to get mad that he didnt understand that i was mad at him for not understanding why i was mad. it doesnt even make sense now... and then i started to cry. just a quiver of the chin to start. then a single tear. then my eyes welled. i tried to be strong. to not be 'the one who cries in every fight'. more words are said. i start to cry. really cry. i soaked the three pieces of kleenex i had on me. ryan hugged me. comforted me. told me it was going to be ok. i continued to bawl. i drooled a bit on his jacket. when i thought i had no more tears i stepped back to compose myself. i took one look at ryan and started to bawl again. this happened about 4 times. gawd i hope security doesnt watch that tape.

throughout most of my waterworks, i couldnt understand why i was so upset. i had no reason to be upset. ry and i have had worse fights and were i havent shed a tear. so what the eff right? later i thought about it and realized all the things i couldnt articulate had to come out another way - unfortunately it was through a major cry-fest in front of a fancy shop for dog clothes. i thought about how unstable i feel right now. about how unsure of wtf is going to happen over the next year. about how my new meds help me fake it better, but give me bad thoughts when i am alone. about how miserable i am and why i am not allowing myself to change. i thought about andrew koenig. how that could be me. i thought about how distant i feel from everyone around me. how i barely know people anymore. was it me? or them? i dont even know... about how great ry is and i cant even appreciate it. (i mean seriously, he puts up with A LOT of my baggage. and he doesnt lose any love for me once we carry it up another flight of stairs) i dont understand how one can love me so much. i am very very lucky to have him in my life.

and as pathetic as it sounds i think it brought ryan and i closer together. i filled him in on a lot of stuff that i have been bottling up. we're good news bears now. and that feels good (insert sunshine and unicorns here)

i still have a lot to fix though. i still have things to resolve. i still have a life to be lived. just gotta work on doing it one day at a time.

*******

thank-you internet for being my sounding board. i know my posts can be a little dark sometimes. better to be said 'out loud' than stuck in my head though.

dont worry about me.

i will be ok.

cheers, k

getting my march on

review time! let's see how i did:

1. lose 10 pounds by the end of the month. we dont own a scale, but Ry has said he can tell i have lost some of my winter fat. my pants are a little loser but i have yet to go down a size. things fit a little better (i dont feel like a sausage in my clothes, as much as i did a month ago) and my chin fat isnt as prevalent in photos... here's hoping march is more successful

2. practise windsor pilates at least 3 times a week for 20 minutes each time. easy breezy. easy breezy my ass. i MAJOR failed on this one. i didnt even come close to getting near a vcr (yes, vcr) to put the tape in. i did, however, stick to doing my push-ups and i must say my arms are looking better than ever.

3. attend at least 3 olympic-related festivities happening around the city. MAJOR success! i adventured out to a bunch of different activities and pavilions and parties. yesterday being the most awesome day EVER! we hosted a gold medal brunch and had a bunch of peeps over to watch the game. every time canada scored we screamed along with THOUSANDS of other fans in the downtown core of vancouver. it was epic. i have never heard the city so loud with pride. it was a momentous and exciting game that is etched in my mental photo album forever. after donning more canadianna apparel we ventured to robson and granville to be part of the chaos and celebration. it was wall-to-wall (sidewalk-to-sidewalk?) people cheering and hollering and screaming and chanting of LOUUUUUU and Crosby Rocks! at one point it felt like there was five people for every square foot of road. no better time to be a canadian.

As for my march goals, i havent decided what to concentrate on this month. things are super sketchy right now. i had a breakdown on saturday night. in public. during a time when we were supposed to be happy and celebratory. me not so much. i'll get into it another time.
i think for now i will just concentrate on living one day at a time. doing the little things that need to get done. like paying rent. and emptying the dishwasher. simple goals that i can actually achieve.

for now i leave you with this:
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life.
It goes on.
~Robert Frost