I'm Just Another Girl Who Wants To Know

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Re-evaluating my self and actions and words. Looking for patterns of balance in my life and patterns of destruction. Understanding what is good for me and what needs to change in order for my sanity to move forward.

I have always been the person who has lots of acquaintances but not a lot of super close friends. i have my 2 or 3 besties, but we each have our own little worlds that we live in. Looking back in my friendship history i noticed that whenever i did get close to someone it suddenly collapsed and the friendship disintegrated for some unknown reason. i always wondered if it was me, if i was the catalyst that ruins things. maybe it was them. maybe they had things happening that they needed to move on from me for whatever reason. i just wish i knew that reason. in my 'can't let it go' obsessive mind i want to contact my former friends and ask what happened to end the friendship. but my fear of their judgement and sardonic pity prevents me from doing so.
instead i ponder.
did i suffocate those around me with my insecurities?
was i the one to abandon ship without saving anyone else?
am i completely oblivious to what is really happening?
am i so out of touch that i cant even see myself as the poison in the apple?

i think i'd just prefer to walk alone than really know the truth.