these tears of mine

i cried at work today. just a few tears of frustration. that turned into more tears rolling down my cheeks. it was in front of my new boss, so it was a little more embarassing than regular crying at work. (not that i regularly cry at work, but i think you catch my drift.) i cried because i couldn't articulate what i wanted to say into a report we were working on side by side. not because the task was difficult. because it wasn't. but because i couldn't grammatically say what i needed to say. it didnt last long. i only soggied about 1/2 a kleenex. and my boss was very nice about it. he didnt say anything to further acknowledge the water streaming from my eyes. i think he understands women cry when they are frustrated and we just need to get it out; not acknowledge or coddle it.
moving on.
this happens a lot. the crying. i cry when i have the pictures in my head, but when i go to speak or write them, the words don't exist. i am terrible at being articulate. when i was in school, the thesaurus was my 'cheat to sound smart' utensil. i remember in grade 7, we were asked to write a descriptive paragraph of our bedroom. instead of saying 'next to' i chose to use the word 'adjacent'. my teacher beamed when he read it. in fact he read it to the whole class. he gloated at my use of language. i kept my shift+F7 (in word) secret quiet. i used this little 'trick', if you could call it that, throughout high-school and college. i constantly received praise for my writing, how imaginative it was; how descriptive; how expressive. now that i dont have the luxury of flipping open my secret weapon i feel like i speak/write like a 6 year old. when no one is looking i sneak in a suggestion or two or more... but in regular conversation, i bomb. i feel like such a fraud. the worst is when i fight with my ry. he is really good at saying what he thinks (he should be a lawyer cause he is super quick at processing language) and i am completely the opposite. i have so much flowing through my head that i cant even see the pictures anymore, let alone get the words out of mouth. it can get really disastrous. hence the reason i cry. too much.
oh internet, thanks for helping me cheat through life. i wish i could implant you in my brain to forever assist in my choosing of words.