when i break i tend to fall

i couldnt stop crying. i never cry in public. okay, maybe the odd time during a sad movie, but i dont bawl out loud or DRENCH tissues with tears. but saturday i did. i cried my effing face off for about an hour outside a boutique that sells clothes for puppies. i hope they dont look back on their security tapes. i hope they dont watch and judge the "adult conversation discussion fight" ry and i had outside their store. there wasnt yelling, but if you were walking past you would know that we werent talking about how pretty and exciting the fireworks were.

i have never liked fighting in public. i think those things should happen behind closed doors, in the comfort of your own space. plus, how much do you laugh when you see a couple having a mini-brawl in public? i know i secretly laugh. guess the jokes on me now.

it all started cause i threw a bit of a tantrum. im not proud of it now. then i got uber (do people still use that word?) pissed off. i am not even sure about what. i was just in a sour grapes kinda mood. ry called me out and told me he didnt want to be around me if i was going to be like this. more words were exchanged. i started to get mad that he didnt understand that i was mad at him for not understanding why i was mad. it doesnt even make sense now... and then i started to cry. just a quiver of the chin to start. then a single tear. then my eyes welled. i tried to be strong. to not be 'the one who cries in every fight'. more words are said. i start to cry. really cry. i soaked the three pieces of kleenex i had on me. ryan hugged me. comforted me. told me it was going to be ok. i continued to bawl. i drooled a bit on his jacket. when i thought i had no more tears i stepped back to compose myself. i took one look at ryan and started to bawl again. this happened about 4 times. gawd i hope security doesnt watch that tape.

throughout most of my waterworks, i couldnt understand why i was so upset. i had no reason to be upset. ry and i have had worse fights and were i havent shed a tear. so what the eff right? later i thought about it and realized all the things i couldnt articulate had to come out another way - unfortunately it was through a major cry-fest in front of a fancy shop for dog clothes. i thought about how unstable i feel right now. about how unsure of wtf is going to happen over the next year. about how my new meds help me fake it better, but give me bad thoughts when i am alone. about how miserable i am and why i am not allowing myself to change. i thought about andrew koenig. how that could be me. i thought about how distant i feel from everyone around me. how i barely know people anymore. was it me? or them? i dont even know... about how great ry is and i cant even appreciate it. (i mean seriously, he puts up with A LOT of my baggage. and he doesnt lose any love for me once we carry it up another flight of stairs) i dont understand how one can love me so much. i am very very lucky to have him in my life.

and as pathetic as it sounds i think it brought ryan and i closer together. i filled him in on a lot of stuff that i have been bottling up. we're good news bears now. and that feels good (insert sunshine and unicorns here)

i still have a lot to fix though. i still have things to resolve. i still have a life to be lived. just gotta work on doing it one day at a time.

*******

thank-you internet for being my sounding board. i know my posts can be a little dark sometimes. better to be said 'out loud' than stuck in my head though.

dont worry about me.

i will be ok.

cheers, k