vacant lots and the procrastination that follows

i am sorry i have been away. i have been really unmotivated lately. i know exactly why, and i cant dont want to stop. its just easier that way.

i know there is no such thing as 'normal' - i tend to believe things are more on a sliding scale, but how does the 'normal person' keep going?
what makes you not want to say fuckit and not throw in the towel? not in a "i'm giving up because its too difficult" kind of way, more of a "i'm lazy and couldn't care less, until its too late then i kick my own ass for not trying harder" kind of way. its a recurrent theme in my life, yet i still don't care enough to actually do something about it at the time. complaining to posting my afterthoughts on the interweb is something i do better.

how does one obtain the drive to push forward and actually accomplish something in the way that they dreamed it to be and not in a sub-standard way that is just mediocre and barely acceptable?
how does one develop a passion for something?
how does one become inspired?
how does one care about something? anything? anything at all?
how does one make effort?
how does one get a wake-up call?
how does one continue when they lose interest in the things that surround them?
how does one learn to appreciate what they could be if they just applied themselves?
how does one achieve motivation? and stay there for longer than a minute?

i am surrounded by people who have the drive and initiative to pursue everything they want in life. i dont understand how they are so strong and can stay on the road. i admire those people. i long to be like them. to be normal. whatever that means.

i was told once that i have all the gusto to initiate projects and my grandiose ideas, but when it comes to completing anything, i fail miserably. this recording keeps playing in my subconscious, and has regrettably become my story. procrastination consumes me, to the point where i stop caring. is it because i cant let things go, and i fear completion will mean i have nothing?
how do i stop the story?
where do i begin?
how can i move more towards the centre of the scale?
how do i achieve balance when it comes to starting and finishing things in my life?
why is the beginning so amazing, filled with ideas and hopes and dreams, and the end is too dark and incomplete to even find the light switch?
do i need to enlist an accountable-a-buddy?
or perhaps i just need a personal assistant to do my bidding for me.... or to at least kick my ass when i start to slow down...
fuck.
where is that wake-up call?