the road

I have been awfully up and down in my moods the last two weeks. i feel like i have so much going on in my head, but dont have the words or language to articulate it. i keep falling into the trap of how i used to think at this time of year, before i went on meds. very bad thoughts about discontinuing my existence. not that i actually would, but just the thought of it was comforting. as odd as that sounds. i was at a point where i would not walk across the bridge to get to work, for fear i would jump. i hesitated to stand too close to the edge of street corners, for fear of stepping in front of a bus. i ensured we had minimal amounts of alcohol and medication in the house in case i got hungry. although i am somewhat more balanced now (thank-you medication, eff you Tom Cruise) i still think about the 'what if i did...' and 'how would i...' disturbing i know. my conscience still guilt's me for treating myself this way. its not right. i have so much happiness in my life, and am so lucky to be where i am and have what i have. why can't i appreciate it? why can't i accept it? i don't know. after all this time you would think i could get over it. but i think i am coming to realize its not something that one gets over. its not a mountain to climb over to get to the other side. its not a river to cross. its not a ride that will be over in 5 minutes or 5 years or 5 decades. its just the road i am on.
getting over it is not an option. learning from it is. understanding it is. and i am ok with that.