the story of nicole

May 23rd rolls by as memories often do. She grimaces at the past. recalling what could have been. what might have been. what would no longer be. pondering how certain moments stay with us, while others simply vanish. May 23rd will never go away.
*****
he picked her up so they could hang at his place, instead of under the watchful eye of her father. a father who was not watching very carefully. or if he was he didnt notice. they drove to his place. fooled around. he smoked. she declined. getting stoned wasnt her thing. anymore. yet. her stash of prescription pills stolen from parental medicine cabinets called to her from the bottom of her purse. she was saving them for later. like a squirrel saving acorns for the winter.

lets go for a drive.

through the forest they meandered. along a road meant for park service vehicles. little paths branched from the main artery. deeper in the forest still. trees surrounded by the city. in a city by the beach.

he parked in a clearing. rain dropped down from the canopy. he folded the hatch-back seats flat, layed down some blankets and escorted her to the nest he had made. they could look up and see the trees. and the sky. and the silence that surrounded them.

it started with a kiss. something they both wanted. something they both needed. to belong. to be a part of something greater than themselves. how lame. how pathetic. how much they needed it at the time. the kisses led to things that kisses lead to. eventually he on top of her. doing things that teenagers shouldn't be doing, but finding some reason to justify it. she looked up, through his eyes to the sky above. enjoying the moment, but lost in the trees. no cares if they get caught. the acceptance and bond and attention was what she craved. its what she got.

love ended in a heap of passion. they dress. he smokes a cigarette. hadn't he told her he quit? she waits patiently for him to finish.

they drive to a home she is not familiar with. this is Jimmy's he says. lets hang out here for a while. they have satalite tv and every video game system you can imagine. and a pool. and a tonne of food in the fridge. she follows him through the front door. he says he'll be right back. she makes herself comfortable on the long leather couch in front of the tv next to some stranger who is watching a UFC fight. five, ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty minutes go by without a sign of anyone but the stranger. the stranger offers her a drink. no thanks. perhaps a clue would help her out more.

he comes back. pie-eyed. too stoned to recall how long he was gone. thanks for nothing. she thinks. i have to go now, she says, can you give me a ride? just call your dad, he says. not an option. he concedes. he climbs begrudgingly into the car. she into the passenger seat. he books it towards her father's house. no care for his speed. no care for his passenger.

she asks him to drop her off at the arcade on the beach. she wants to grab some candy from the convenience store next door. he complies. she kisses him goodnight and pretends to walk inside the arcade. he peels out of the dirt lot. she walks away. away from the arcade. away from the store. towards the tracks. towards the beach. towards the sunset.

its 6.43. the sky is clear. stars are starting to poke through the navy colours in the east. pinks and purples and oranges and reds sink into the west. she sits on the tracks. obscured by the bushes. enough not to be seen, but enough to not look like its on purpose. she is mesmorized by the sunset. what it all means. the end of the day.

she sits and ponders the events of the day. wonders her importance in the life of the boy who supposedly loved her. if this were so, he wouldnt abandon her. but when they are together, just the two, its like nothing else matters.

her heart breaks a little as she continues to analyze her self and her worth. contemplating why she treats herself the way she does. why she lets others treat her the way they do. its all for acceptance though. being somebody matters. as long as your not nobody.

a train whistle blows. the 7.10 train is getting ready to cross the border. she considers waiting for it. sitting on the rail. hidden by the brambles of blackberry bushes and grasses that claim both sides of the track. she picks up a piece of shale that makes the bed of the track. she throws it and listens as it bounces across the rocks on the other side of the bushes.

she waits and ponders some more. about school. about life. about anything that should matter. the whistle blows again. the train has come round the bend and is on its way to the city. a few miles through native land, over a bridge, and it would be at her feet. her heavy cement feet.

she looks around for someone. anyone who will see her and yell for her to run. to jump. to get out of the way. sadly there is no one. no one to rescue her. not that she needs rescuing, or so she tells herself.  the whistle blows again. it wakes her out of her coma. responsibility and expectations come flooding back. her insatiable burden to please everyone and not disappoint them overtakes her and she steps off the track, meandering towards the water.

after the train passes she lies down on the grass near the waves. staring up at the stars. at what she almost became. her secret safe inside her head.

further down the track she hears the whistle again. she gets up and decides to head home. three blocks to her bedroom. comfort. sleep. when she steps through the front door her father asks where she has been. at the beach with him. she lies. why are your eyes red? he asks. we got in a fight and i walked home. she lies even more. the truth is just too ugly. too complicated. too pathetic.

she escapes to her bedroom and silently cries herself to sleep where she cant get hurt. he pages her at one in the morning. 143. i love you.

*****
the train was late that day. she was the only one that noticed.

i really fuct it up this time

i am musically illiterate. my music sources are the radio in the car on my way home from work (a 5 minute drive) and music in the mall or on tv. i have my staples that i follow and steal from (sorry). other than that i really on hills to introduce me to new songs i can dance and cry to (not necessarily in the same song, but sometimes). this weekend she made me a compilation of fun and rock out and mellow tunes to feed my ears. i am now in love with "little lion man" by mumford and sons.

check 'em out:

Little Lion Man

I am most in love with the lyrics.

Especially:

You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rape yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

let the countdown begin. again.

i am getting married in exactly 200 days. insert stressful but excited emotions here. also insert *a bit* of panic because people are not rsvp'ing.

ghost mouse

remember ghost cat? i think we may now have a ghost mouse. amos has been consistently spending more and more time with his nose in the corner, waiting for something. 

then when he gets tired of waiting, he lies down.

and sometimes tries to nod off.

then enzo comes by and scoffs.

then amos backs up and chases her away...

(couldn't even attempt to get picture of these two running... they are fast little creatures.)

so back to ghost mouse. not sure what amos is really after, or if he is just mentally slow (not that there is anything wrong with that). i am ok with mice. as long as they dont surprise me or shit in or on my stuff. (i have standards you know). with three cats in the house i am hoping at least one of them catches it and sends it to mouse heaven or hell. 

unless living here, with three cats is his mouse hell.... 

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNN..........

this might make you pee

to brighten your day listen to this story:
The Best Meal I Have Ever Had by John Mulaney

and if you need some more funny:
John Takes the Subway

Enjoy!

the hurt that i have caused

another new fun side effect of my new med: clarity. good for focusing on work. not so good for conjuring up old memories or suppressing YEARS of guilt.

*****

(a pre-emptive apology - i have not ever been in a 12 step program, and i commend those who have accomplished the struggle; my post in no way is meant to belittle the steps, so i hope it doesnt come across like that)

*****

i feel like i am in 12 steps. and the guilt overwhelms me.
i am reviewing my life and am at a point where i want to make amends with those i have hurt and forgive those who have hurt me. i want to apologize to my first 'long term' boyfriend for all the asshole things i did. i was really bad to him. i want to apologize to my parents for not including them in some pretty momentous occasions in my life. i want to apologize to my brother for some traumatic stuff i did to him when we were young. i want to apologize to those friends who disappeared from my life; whether due to my lack of attention or not, i feel like i need to say sorry. for all those times i bailed flaked out last minute; for all those times i lied because i felt bad saying no; for all those times i had good intentions, but chose to be selfish instead. and i want to apologize to my self for treating me so badly. i have a lot of sorry's to say.

i am not sure how to approach this though. am i selfish for wanting to get rid of the guilt i feel for my poor behaviour? does someone who i haven't spoken to in almost 11 years want to hear an apology for something that they probably could care less about? is it worth opening those cans of worms? do i really need to let my ex know i cheated on him, full well knowing that i was going to end the relationship? do i do the whole 'write a letter, but don't actually send it' thing to make myself feel better? Do i spill every sin i have committed, or only the ones that won't really hurt? should i be vague or explicit? BLERG!

dear internet people,
please send me your advice.
any little tidbit will help.
thanks!

van-lympics

here are some of the highlights that i have captured:

during speed skating at the oval, someone had to clear a bat in the hanger.

We went back in time.

Fondue for two at Swiss house.

Possibly the coolest apartment in the WestEnd.

best. zamboni. ever.

Stay tuned for more 'you won't see these anywhere else' pictures of the van-lympics.

i am better than a magic 8 ball because....

yesterday was day one of 'the new med'. it was a lot of fun. the buzz of energy it gave me was akin to doing coke (apparently). i was talking like Six from Blossom. i was (wide) awake until 3am. i was thinking so much.
the thinking is what really messed me up. all* of the future things i thought about (which were basically the what if's about 'things i need to get done tomorrow') came true:

- thought about what if i leave my cell phone at work by accident = left phone at work
- thought about not falling asleep until the early morning = fell asleep at 3am
- thought about what if i accidentally sleep in = i slept in
- thought about what if i am late for work = late for work
- thought about my craving to go for greek food at lunch (which i was planning on not taking due to being late) = ended up being taken out for greek by one of the vendors i work with

so my new med makes me psychic. time to go buy some lotto tickets....

*sorry, i should redact that - the things i remember thinking about came true.

ps - goodness comes in little bits

i found a new cracker that i cannot stop munching on: kashi's TLC in natural ranch (the website doesnt show that they come in ranch... but believe me - they do exist and are super yummy.)
i am not usually a 'whole grain' gal (bring on the processed white bread!) but these 'tasty little crackers' are a winner in my mouth. (almost typed 'wiener in my mouth'... wtf?)

also on the 'its amazing you should try it' list is this fondue recipe. Ry and i made fondue this past weekend and i think i ate about 5 lbs of cheese which has now settled in my left thigh.
one of the more amazing things about a cheese fondue is dipping more cheese into the cheese fondue to get a cheese covered piece of cheese. genius.
one of the least amazing parts of a cheese fondue is the leftover wad/vat/glob of cheese. it is shaped like a Tupperware bowl and smells like old people. not so genius.

muddled monday

i had a psych appointment yesterday. i always feel unsure of how to act - if i should be professional and keep the wall up and the mask on, or let loose the emotional chaos that is in my head, or a little bit of column a and a little bit of column b.
dr z upped my meds at my last appointment, which made me have lower lows and angrier highs. (poor ry, he handles this so well.) last week was pretty low, so i knew i had to be re-adjusted cause things were not working out with my current dosage. dr z lowered my anti-d's but started me on a medicine that 'will help me stabilize, focus and be less all-over-the-place'. o happy day! i have been having serious issues concentrating at work (every 20 minutes or so i need to switch things up or else i get bored) and at home (tv has gotten boring. that's UNHEARD of.) so i hope the new stuff (wellbutrin) helps. the things i have read online (cause its all true) seem good. my most favorite part is the weight loss. my most unfavorite part is the potential seizures.
has anyone tried wellbutrin? did it work? was it good? was it bad? tell me more.
on my way home i was following a vehicle by about 3 car lengths. something came out from under its tire. it was a black rat (soo cute. soo dont judge me) but its head had been partially squished and its body was flailing trying to pull itself off the road. i managed (i hope) to swerve around it, and saw in my rear-view that it had moved some more (not sure if due to me or despite me going by). then the guilt poured in - should i have just run it over to put it out of its misery? am i a better citizen for not killing it? i was sick to my stomach the remainder of my drive home.
the worst part was by the time i got home i had lost the capacity to eat the hot dogs i had been craving all day.
c'est domage.

lucky # seven

dear love of my life,
in 7 months and 4 hours we will officially be married. i am super excited and super scared at the same time. we have been planning for the big day a lot lately, hoping it will rock the casbah, being the best wedding anyone has ever attended ever, but things still seem surreal. we are both chomping at the bit for people to rsvp so we can start the fun planning of the reception and decor and activities. so many things are up in the air that i hope they can float a little while longer. i am excited for all of the 'i can't wait to do this' parts and the 'people will love this' things. i just hope everything comes together properly. i am nervous for the event as the planner, but not as the bride. i have no qualms or fears of walking down the aisle towards you, saying my vows, holding back the tears of joy, making out with you like a teenager as we become husband and wife. i am excited to take mental pictures of the moments i dont want to ever forget. (thank-you jim and pam for giving us the idea. and thanks for the idea of a plan b and c.) i love how you are not a fan of becoming a youtube star by recreating annoying viral videos at our wedding. i do love how you are open to doing some other pretty fun stuff that i can't describe right now cause it will spoil the surprise. (sorry hills)
seven months will go by quickly. but i will cherish every moment because i hope for this to be the only wedding i ever have. however i am not opposed to renewing our vows and having crazy parties.
love you silly. xoxox

and the lights started calling my name

last night ry and i went for a walk to watch the special lights from the burrard bridge.

if you happen to be in the downtown vancouver area (or can see it from the north shore or westside) i highly recommend you check them out. it sounded kinda dumb at first, but when i saw them, it made me a little more excited for the giant event taking over vancouver... (and i don't mean oktoberfest.)

we tried to be artsy but the lights moved before the picture was finalized.

insert something witty here.

(this is not a typo. just couldn't think of something witty to write.)

the pain in my ass

i have DDD - degenerative disc disease. it basically means that one (actually 2) of my spinal disc's are slowly being squished (like a jelly donut) and the bone in my spine is growing to replace the discs in order to support my spine & upper body. when this bone grows, it can sometimes pinch my sciatic nerve. this equals MAJOR PAIN. this also equals not a lot of fun.
i see a chiro to help fix this issue. i saw him on wednesday and had a bit of a painful adjustment. it was followed by a 'ummm can you come back tomorrow so i can double check the alignment? you are a 'little' out of place right now, and i am hoping that resting overnight will re-align you'. yada yada yada, i wake up thursday and cannot bend down. putting on pants = impossible. sitting = extremely uncomfortable. attempting to sit down on the toilet = awkward and painful. i spend the entire day on the couch, trying not to move, enjoying Oprah, Tyra and all that good trashy day-time tv. yada, yada, yada, by the time ry gets home from work, its time to go back to chiro. 5 minutes in the office and i am fixed. my chiro is a miracle worker.
*****
it's really amazing how delicate the human body is. one slight movement in the wrong direction and i can be immobilized for days. one slight crack of the back and i am all better. at 27 i never would have thought that i would have the health issues that i do. its like my body is 80 years old some days. cant wait to see what my body will be like when i am 80. hopefully it will be 27, so i can get some good use out of it :P

an ordinary wednesday

woke up (finally) after smashing my snooze every 9 minutes for over an hour.
showered, shaved, shat.
dressed and applied make-up - just enough to look normal; not enough to cover shiny forehead or under-eye baggage, but seriously, who am i trying to pick up at work?
heard weird sound coming from hall.
discovered it was enzo hacking up a hairball.
cleaned-up said hairball from front door mat (at least it wasn't on the bed)
realized i better hurry my ass up before i am late for work.
sauntered down to ferry dock to await little tugboat of fun.
ferried across the creek to granville island.
walked to work listening to philosopher kings.
arrived at work the same time as the director of my department.
worked, surfed, worked, filed, worked, surfed, worked.
stopped sorting and filing to write this.

here is my prediction for the remainder of my day:
walk with a bestie around yaletown.
attend chiro appointment (which i am not entirely convinced is doing anything)
trudge to shoppers drug mart.
attempt to buy more than i can carry.
drop something on my way home.
crash on couch, whining to ry about how hungry i am. (hoping he has made dinner)
order pizza.
gorge on said pizza.
watch tv til bedtime.
sleep.
repeat.

February's Wishes

After some pouting and some depressiveness over not fully satisfying my January goals, i woke ready to conquer my February goals:

1. lose 10 pounds by the end of the month. this is a MUST. i cannot bear to continue to be the "fat girl" anymore. losing 10 pounds won't make me skinny. but it will give me hope that i can strive to lose another 10 pounds in march, april and may. bringing me to my goal of a healthy BMI.

2. practise windsor pilates at least 3 times a week for 20 minutes each time. easy breezy.

3. attend at least 3 olympic-related festivities happening around the city. (i was planning on boycotting the chaos that is set to take over vancouver this month, however i have since realized its a once-in-a-lifetime event, and to be able to participate without spending a fortune makes me a pretty lucky girl...)

i am only setting three goals this month. lets see if can surpass them.

end of month one

K, so lets re-cap shall we?

January 1 i set some goals.

January 1-31 i attempted to keep said goals.

let's see how i did:

Goal 1:

Finish two (new) books that have been sitting on my shelf, waiting to be picked up. I have a habit of buying books and not fully reading them because something better came along in the meantime. I judge books by their covers too. Shame on me. So i finished one book. my bad. insert excuse here. here is what i did read: The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld. i give it 4 stars. out of 5. it was a little boring getting into it, but once the murdering started to happen i was hooked. i had trouble putting it down in the last 300 pages.

Goal 2.:
Lose 8 lbs by January 31st. Small goal, hopefully plausible. I mean, very plausible. think positive and about how amazing you will look in your wedding dress. this one makes me mad. i did try. to no avail. it is the time where i am usually fat from my period, so it could be weight from that, but seriously. i didnt lose a thing. boo-urns. now i have to work twice as hard next month. not happy.

Goal 3:
Eat healthy during the week (approx. 2000 calories/day) and get 'one ruin your diet' day on the weekend. shame on me for this one. i actually forgot about this one. though i did eat very well, in terms of no major binges, or huge helpings. i did drink more than i wanted to, which wasn't a lot, but it was more than i wanted to drink this month.

Goal 4:
Write updates on this blog at least every third day. High 5 to me! i think there was only one 4-day break, but i was out of town, so that doesn't count. plus i did a two-posts-in-one-day, so that should make up for it. i give myself a gold star nonetheless.

Goal 5:
Complete 20 push-ups every 2nd day. NO EXCUSES! I did this and even better. I did push-ups at least 5 times a week, and sometimes i even did more than 20. my bi-ceps are slowly growing. pretty soon, my arms will rival maddona's.

Stay tuned for new goals tomorrow!

Falling Far From The Tree

I ate an apple today.

This is a big deal because:
A - my 4 food groups usually consist of sugar, chocolate, candy & more sugar
B - i generally only eat apples if they come in the form of pie or crumbles or juice or candy
C - when i buy fruit, it usually gets eaten by ry or goes moldy before i get around to eating it

I ate an apple today.

I think i have finally reached adulthood because i am feeling the need to take better care of my self, to live my best life (oprah must be really getting to me), and to treat my self better. those probably all mean the same thing. i guess what i am saying is i want to cut back on having cookies for breakfast instead of feeling like i should. i want to do 30 push-ups instead of thinking about the 20 i 'will do tomorrow'. i want to forgive and forget and move on instead of harbouring hate and anger inside of me.

i ate an apple today.

last night i went to the market and picked up some veg to make dinner: prosciutto, havarti, fresh basil and cheery tomatoes drizzled with balsamic. best. salad. ever. tonight i am making mixed greens with goat cheese, prosciutto, almonds, cherry tomatoes, & raspberry vinaigrette. and i will eat it. and finish it. and like it. (i can't lie, there will probably be some Lipton's Side Kicks involved cause creamy bacon carbonerra = super yummy goodness)

i ate an apple today.
i think i am growing up.

Mailbag

Dear Sunshine,

Thank-you for coming out today to give me the boost of vitamin d i so desperately need. I wish you could stay out forever (except at night when you need to sleep).

Love, Paste-y white Me

*******

Dear Lower Back,

Please stop pinching my sciatic nerve. It is not fun. I understand you are broken but i cannot fix you. We must find a compromise because it is still winter and I need to be able to bend to put on my socks.

Painfully yours, the cripple

*******

Dear Facial Skin,

I know i shouldn't have, but I *did* use that sample of Biotherm on you. I forgot how bad you react to it. But seriously, it has been almost a month and you should have cleared up by now. I am getting married in 225 days and i need you to look your best. A spotty forehead, ruddy cheeks and and red patches do not belong on you! What will make you happy? What will make you be the best skin you can be? Please tell me so i can fix you in time for the big day...

Begging for your blessing, Zit-face

*******

Dear Kitchen Counters

I am sorry that i rarely see you. I am sorry that i keep you covered in dirty dishes most of the time. I have a severe dish-ue and i need help. I wish there was a magic pill that gave me more effort to keep you clean, alas there is not. Therefore you will continue to hide under a pile of dirty utensils and plates.

Shamefully, Homeowner

Ghost Cat round 2

I get distracted easily, especially on weekends when i have so much pvr'd tv to catch up on. My previous post was meant to tell you about ghost cat, but i went off on a tangent about the real cats in my home cause i was distracted by amos and watching re-runs of the jersey shore.
So... we have a ghost in our home. well, a ghost cat in our home. he has been around for a couple of years, but has recently become way more active over the last few months. probably because of amos and his rambunctious shenanigans.
you might think ry and i have a case of the crazies. but we know ghost cat exists because on more than one occasion we have seen (in our peripheral vision) a blur of black run down the hall and both of our kittens were either sound asleep or at another location in our home. one time ry was in the kitchen washing his hands and ghost cat across his feet from one end of the kitchen to the other. when he looked into the living room, amos was asleep on my lap and enzo was asleep on her cat perch. both in positions that would be impossible for them to be in had they just been in the kitchen. occasionally when we are trying to fall asleep we will hear cat cereal crunching coming from the feed-dish in the kitchen, but both cats are in the bedroom - one nesting at my feet, the other at the window, watching the world go by.
i have felt ghost cat walk behind me, on the back of the couch, while i read or practice sudoku. i have felt ghost cat run past me just before enzo comes hauling ass into the room. i have heard ghost cat purring very softly and neither of my real-life fur babies are in close proximity.
ghost cat is not scary. ghost cat does not do scary ghost things like surprise you when you least expect it. ghost cat is low maintenance and will hopefully remain that way. i heart ghost cat.
when i capture a picture of ghost cat, i will post one - just dont hold your breath - he is very fast.

speaking of ghosts - if you have not had the chance to watch ghost hunters or destination truth, i highly recommend you do. watch it in the daytime with the lights on and you'll have nothing to be scared of. i promise.

Ghost cat

i break the law. i live in a 'no pets' building. but ry and i have two cats. they are the funnest pets ever. i heart them very much.

Enzo is the darker one. and Amos is the one with white socks. we caught this rare cuddley moment one afternoon last year. i have yet to see if happen again, but i like to think that it does when we are not around to see.

*******

amos was my birthday present last year. he is such a little sucker for love. i have never met a more affectionate cat. he was taken from his mother too early, so he likes to suckle things. mostly fleece, occasionally hair. he can knead and suckle for ever. it makes his heart happy.

*******

enzo is the independent cat. she will only love you on her terms. not that there is anything wrong with that. she has her moments where she drops character and her true yearning to be around humanity comes out, but she is just as content sitting on her pillow in a zen-like state. i guess she is more of a guardian angel than the hug that amos is.

i love these two creatures so very much. they take care of me just as much as i of them. they brighten my day (and sometimes disturb my self), but i wouldnt have it any other way. wait, scratch that, a little better sleep would be nice.... anyhoo,,, i am blessed to have such a wonderful little family and i appreciate them in my life very much. end rave.