run, nicole, run.

she had to stop thinking about it. the anxiety flooded her head continuously with fear and rage and illogical thoughts. she was trying so hard to be nice and be complacent and be agreeable and be happy and cheerful and get along with him. her loss of control over what she thinks is "everything" fucks her up even more.
too many things happening at once.
too many questions to answer at once.
too many decisions to make at once.
she left to hide and calm down. it doesnt work. her adrenaline is pumping too high and physiologically her body wont calm down. there is no control over that. nothing safe anyway.
he comes in to comfort her but she has none of it. the panic sets in. the knowledge that the more she panics, the further she pushes him away makes it worse. he tries to help her the only way he knows how but its becoming the opposite of what she needs.
yelling and frustration make it worse. everything makes it worse. she screams and threatens to hurt him before he can hurt her. that's the goal right? hurt them before they can hurt you. you lose either way.
he calls her insane and goes to get air.
she grabs the keys and runs out. speeding away as fast as the green lights can turn. she has no where to go. driving around for 17 minutes leads to a quiet street in the middle of town. she parks and listens to music to calm her down. her heart still races a mile a minute. she tries to meditate, but can only think about how out of control she feels. reclining back in the drivers seat she attempts to sleep. at least for a little while.
she dreams about the sad little girl she is. how pathetic and sad she is. how hurtful and terrible. how she doesn't deserve anything. how much longer can she pretend to be ok.
hours later she slowly pulls into her driveway. slowly sneaks into her home. slowly slips into bed. alone. he is giving her space. she's not sure its what she needs, but it will have to do.
she cant stop thinking. sleep isnt an option. gaining control of her mind, her thoughts, her self is the only thing that is of concern. but she cant stop the flood of memories. the prospect of new memories. the pressure of making everything perfect and everyone happy. she knows its not possible, but her self wont accept it. her mind wont shut off.
sunday is the anniversary of her attempted death.
12 years later she is still trying to let it go.
12 years later she is still recovering.
12 years later she is no further ahead in her battle through the dark.

things are comin' up me

i am going to quit apologizing for not writing more. its my blog. i can write when i want. sorry.

a joke for mother's day:

what position do you do it in to make an ugly baby?

go ask your mother.

and now for the news:

a HUGE weight has been lifted from my shoulders. ry and i have (finally) found and secured the location for our wedding reception. its top secret for now. but its SUPER EFFING AWESOME. i cant wait to unveil it to everyone. our coordinator at the top secret location is awesome and is letting us do pretty much whatever we want. love it!

i was quite irritated with the meetings we had with some of the other reception location vendors we met with. it was almost as if they didn't want us to have our party their, and not spend money in their restaurant. the top secret location we are having it is mega accommodating and is excited to help make our day wicked cool.

we met with our new ceremony coordinator too. our previous one was just as apathetic as the vendors who didn't seem to want our money. i am relieved to know our new coordinator is so gung-ho for us and is going to make the ceremony run smoothly. i have a hard time trusting people who act incompetent, and i have to micro-manage/bridezilla their ass to get things done; but our present coordinators are extremely competent. They rock the casbah and i have no worries at all. that's a big deal for me. high fives for danielle and joel.

another high five goes out to me and ry. today we ran power-walked the annual 10km vancouver sun run. good news: i finished it with minimal bitching and absolutely NO training (insert excuse for not training here). bad news: i have three giant blisters from new shoes that i neglected to break in. (whoopsy!) good news: i bought those new reebok's with the stability balls in the toe and heel and they ROCK! my buns and inner thighs feel fantastic. bad news: tomorrow i predict i will be in so much pain.

one last little bit. i didnt make a goal for april. i think completing the sun run was my goal. i didn't want to do it. at all. it was on ry's bucket list and he asked me to do it with him (TWSS tee hee) so i obliged. it was january. i thought he would have forgotten about it by the time it rolled around. turns out he didn't. but its a good thing. cause i needed a kick in the ass to start getting in shape so i can look hot for summer. cause the inner tube around my waist does not need to get any bigger.

8 weeks

is being a bitch innate or learned? is it from experience or genetic?

i think mine is from experience.

and a little portion innate.

for who could be born without a heart?

even if it is black.

mini mees

i had lunch today with a really good friend of mine and her two kids. amazing kids. a 22 month old toddler who is adorable and sassy and silly and outgoiningly shy. and a 3 month old who is so excited at the possibilities of life and the things that surround him. everything is so new and wondrous to his little blue eyes. those kids make me want to have babies a baby. like right now.

i got to spend individual time with both of them while my friend had her hands full with the other. the toddler told me about the purple star sticker on her hand and then taught me that her eyebrow is above her eye. she was very matter of fact and preferred to drink out of the bottle of water herself rather than have mommy hold it for her. the baby nuzzled my neck and cooed in my ear (and sneezed on my chest :S). he was so mellow and smelled that soft baby smell. and i thought, for the first time without any fear, that i could do this. i could have a baby and care and be responsible. i know things aren't always roses and peaches. i know kids cry and poop and throw up and yell and make big messes and do stupid shit and embarrass you and blame you and all that other shit.

but i think it would be worth it.

Emmess

her attacks are getting worse. the pain in her jaw brings her to tears. the heaviness in her chest will not go away. the nausea and vomiting wakes her from her sleep. her limbs go numb every once in a while. the headaches turn in to migraines which never go away. 'i can't imagine how cancer patients must feel {with this much pain}' she says. it makes her want to be six ten feet under.

the pain.
the fucking pain.
and i can't help her. no medication can fix her.
the medicine to take away the hurt makes her vomit until she has nothing left inside.
the medicine to knock her out into a painless slumber generates an allergic response.
the medicine to fix her does not exist.

my eyes will be wetter than normal for the next little while.
i need as much hope and strength as i can get.
please pray for my mom to feel better.

i need her.

hair so long you can braid it

with summer and a wedding and NHL playoffs* coming up, its time to start really working on the daunting hair removal process for parts of my body that are (usually) covered up in winter.

*instead of growing a playoff beard - cause, eww gross - i am choosing to grow a playoff muff. really hoping the playoffs are over before i start hitting the beach.

i was digging through my rubbermaid tower of beauty products and found some leftover linen strips used for waxing. being uber cheap, i thought i would make my own wax and use up the strips before buying a whole new kit. good idea? you'd think so....

being the expert googler that i am, i searched a bunch of sites for homemade wax recipes, which all seemed to have the exact same ingredients and the same measurements. all it takes is a little water, white sugar and some lemon juice. easy enough. or so i thought.

so i mix the sugar and the water and realized - hey no lemon juice, whatever shall i do? i figured the lemon was just to make it smell nice, so i added a few drops of tea tree oil instead. whilst in my first aid/baking cupboard - cause every first aid incident can be fixed with baking - i saw the food coloring i bought six years ago and have never used. oooo. the wax will look pretty when its blue. in it goes to the sugar and water and tea tree oil mixture.

cook. cook. stir. stir. everything was turning melty and somewhat sticky. it was mega hot though, so i took it off the stove to cool before i dumped the wax on my legs and lady bits. as said wax begins to cool, it started to crystallize. cool if i wanted to make a batch of tea-tree oil flavored suckers. not so cool when you want to make wax to rip out your body hair.

Light-bulb: adding more water will make it better. so i add more water and start to cook it again. it was too liquidy, so i added more sugar. and i left it to cook for a bit. Yay for it starting to become the proper consistency (finally). not so yay for the concoction turning a muddy green-brown. (totally spaced on the fact that when sugar caramelizes it turns from white to brown.... im losing it in my old age, folks)

i did the 'drop a drop of said concoction into cold water to see if it forms a ball' thing that you do when caramelizing sugar. things looked ready, just needed to cool the final product.

off to the couch i go, with the concoction cooling on 3 hot pads on the coffee table, DVR remote in hand, linen strips ready to go and cats sleeping in their tree (they tend to want to be with you during the most messy and awkwardest of tasks, so them being asleep is a major bonus.)

i finished watching Fringe. wax is still steaming. i watched Gossip Girl. wax is still hot. i slightly touch the layer of wax-skin that is forming as it cools. holy fucking hell. it burns worse than the burn i got when i was stirring the wax the first time around (did i mention that part?)

flushed burn under cool water. pouted a bit. continued watching TV. checked wax every 20 minutes and it wasn't cooling down very much. WTF?!?! and because it was taking so long to get to a temperature i could actually withstand, the top of the mixture was starting to crystallize. when i tried to move my spatula - to give things a stir - it wouldnt move. mutha-effer. back to square one.

i ditched the homemade shit wax and added the real stuff to my 'must pick up the next time i am out' list.

lessons learned:

• hot sugar fucking hurts
• i am not good at 'at-home' beauty projects. at all.
  
• sometimes spending $10 on a pre-made jar of wax is totally worth it

vacant lots and the procrastination that follows

i am sorry i have been away. i have been really unmotivated lately. i know exactly why, and i cant dont want to stop. its just easier that way.

i know there is no such thing as 'normal' - i tend to believe things are more on a sliding scale, but how does the 'normal person' keep going?
what makes you not want to say fuckit and not throw in the towel? not in a "i'm giving up because its too difficult" kind of way, more of a "i'm lazy and couldn't care less, until its too late then i kick my own ass for not trying harder" kind of way. its a recurrent theme in my life, yet i still don't care enough to actually do something about it at the time. complaining to posting my afterthoughts on the interweb is something i do better.

how does one obtain the drive to push forward and actually accomplish something in the way that they dreamed it to be and not in a sub-standard way that is just mediocre and barely acceptable?
how does one develop a passion for something?
how does one become inspired?
how does one care about something? anything? anything at all?
how does one make effort?
how does one get a wake-up call?
how does one continue when they lose interest in the things that surround them?
how does one learn to appreciate what they could be if they just applied themselves?
how does one achieve motivation? and stay there for longer than a minute?

i am surrounded by people who have the drive and initiative to pursue everything they want in life. i dont understand how they are so strong and can stay on the road. i admire those people. i long to be like them. to be normal. whatever that means.

i was told once that i have all the gusto to initiate projects and my grandiose ideas, but when it comes to completing anything, i fail miserably. this recording keeps playing in my subconscious, and has regrettably become my story. procrastination consumes me, to the point where i stop caring. is it because i cant let things go, and i fear completion will mean i have nothing?
how do i stop the story?
where do i begin?
how can i move more towards the centre of the scale?
how do i achieve balance when it comes to starting and finishing things in my life?
why is the beginning so amazing, filled with ideas and hopes and dreams, and the end is too dark and incomplete to even find the light switch?
do i need to enlist an accountable-a-buddy?
or perhaps i just need a personal assistant to do my bidding for me.... or to at least kick my ass when i start to slow down...
fuck.
where is that wake-up call?

ummm i unclear on computer things

so i guess its pretty obvious i dont know how to add videos in an appropriate size. i totally meant to do it this way.

monday funnies

hey kittens,
sorry i have been a little vacant. its been a busy couple of days. here is a little something something to hold you over til my next post. Enjoy!

wtf wednesday

just a couple of tidbits today, kids. mama's got some boils to pop*.

• did you SEE tyra's outfit at tonight's elimination on ANTM??? WTF?!?!? the best part was one of the model-hopefuls showed up in black skinny jeans a silver, lamé cut-out bathing suit and tyra had the gall to say her outfit was inappropriate. all i have to say is "take a look in the mirror tyra". (<-- pretend i said this in a thick ghetto accent and snapped my fingers like i should be on ricki lake)
• bad news: the cheap airport by my home is shutting down for the first three weeks of september. WTF?!?!? i planned to leave for my wedding on Sept 1. and now it will have to be out of the expensive airport with the expensive airlines. can you hear the money running away from my pocketbook? i can.
• dont forget to share your voice on April 5 about issues that face women. Check out Marie's blog Cafe for the deet's
  

night kittens!

*totally NOT true. just trying to make ya giggle. or gag. you choose.

yeah for tuesdays

a mish mash of quickies (tee hee):

• ryan will have a job to go to at least until the wedding. and most likely afterwards to. unless we win the lottery. then its "buh bye working for a living".
• lost tonight: WTF?!?!?! such a great episode. and i love how the writers let you know so much, yet leave you still asking so many more questions by the time the episode is over. i cat wait to find out how it ends!
• eating healthier has not improved the headache situation. meh. i can deal with it. i have dealt with worse.
• did you watch Oprah today? LOVED that (repeated) episode - about the dangers of texting while driving. i dont text that much and never do so behind the wheel (tried once = major fail. i put the phone down before i could do any harm). i cant comprehend why people have the 'i can do it' mentality when it is SO EFFING OBVIOUS they dont. two of my close friends are super ignorant about their being on the phone or texting while driving. i want to force them to watch this Oprah episode until it finally CLICKS that they are not a supertexter who can do no wrong on the road. i would hate for either of them to hurt or kill themselves or someone else because of their stupidity. one of these people has a 9-month old son and it would absolutely destroy her if anything happened to him. i hope she watched the show today.

please take the time to sign the pledge saying you WILL NOT be a distracted driver.

thank-you.

my dirty little secret

CAUTION: avert your eyes if you cant handle a little dirty talk. i warned ya!

i used to be a slut promiscuous girl. i was the first among my friends to be "deflowered". my boyfriend and i at the time went from 3rd base to home and beyond pretty quickly. we fuct like rabbits. then we broke up. and i started college. i went through a period where i was sleeping (on average) with a new guy every month for 12 consecutive months. i once slept with 3 different guys in one 24-hour period. i was THISCLOSE to having a threesome with the hottest guy in one of my classes and his roommate, but some mis-communication made that night a major fail. i blame the radio class for that. effing virgin! i have had sex on the beach; in a car; on a sail boat; in every room of the house; in pools; in hot tubs; in saunas; in the front hallway of a friends house (while he was in another room) whilst on the phone with another friend; on the side of the road; up against a tree; on a cruise ship; on a giant rock; on a balcony in the rain; in backyards; on the side of a highway; in a forest; under a waterfall next to a raging river; tied to a bed post; on stairs and various pieces of furniture (ps - rocking chairs fucking rock). i have had sex with a man who was 14 years my senior; with a boy who was 2 years my junior; with a college football star (who had the biggest dick i have ever had the experience of experiencing) in a restroom stall at a fancy-ish restaurant; in his parents bed; in a limo; while people were sleeping less than 3 meters away; while people were watching; during the countdown at new years; at a racetrack; on a roof top balcony; in a hotel room while his girlfriend was in another part of the hotel; in my dads SUV (while he was sleeping nearby in a tent) and under the stars. i have had sex with men from 5 different countries. i got to 2nd with random lady friends. i made out with 9 different people in one club in the course of 3 hours. (one of them being a guy who i had crushed on since grade 8 - he had been in grade 11 and NEVER knew i even existed. so SCORE!) i gave the best blow-jobs in many a location that would make my mother die of shock. I have made my own porn; met a guy on the internet, met him in real life and am too ashamed to say what happened next(and yes i know how effing stupid that was. i will never ever do it again) i have strip teased to my partner's utter delight; played with wax, toys, ice, feathers, dressing up, (massage) oil, and some other things that i am not ready to say out loud; i have had sex in most of the positions listed in this book; i have been showing boys my tits since i was in grade nine (bobby never could wipe the smile off his face). in the 12 years of sharing my special purpose (bonus points for those who get that reference) i have had some sexy times.

why am i telling you my sins?

because this is my 69th post.

and it just felt so good.

one day at a time

i am trying being a more positive person. i have my little mantras that i believe and i have posted inspiring quotes and aspirations in places where i will see them and think about them every day. i take one day at a time; still thinking about the future, but taking time to not fret about it. why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet? i am slowly coming to realize that things change so fast and so often that it is impossible to attempt to control it all. taking time to understand your wants and needs is the key. to recognize who you are, to find your niche in the world and make it your own.

ry is super stressy about work. he is making a certain $$$ amount at his current job (slated to end any day - eff you construction industry) and doesnt want to take a pay cut to go work somewhere else.

understandable.

at the same time, now is not really the time to not be working - because he cant find a job that will pay him what he is worth. he was recently offered a job which pays reasonably(about $5/hour less what he makes now) but its only part time. boourns. third wrench in the wheel is that a buddy of his in a far away city (about 4 hours away) offered to hire him and possibly be partners in order to start their own construction firm. yeah for us short term ($$$) not so yeah for long term (i am still not 100% certain of this whole moving to a city that doesnt have stores that are open later than 6pm; selfish, i know, but how many times have you needed an (insert item here) at 10pm or 2am? )

so decisions need to be made. which is making ryan super bummed. i know things will work out for the best. i know whatever option he chooses, we will make it work. we always do. the hard part is reassuring him of that. he has been so disheartened because he is such a good person who keeps getting ripped off in life. it sucks. he just wants a chance to succeed. to be the alpha male. to take care of me so we can start a family.

so how do i comfort him? how do i reassure him things will work out the way they are supposed to? how do i let him know that i dont think he is less of a man because of all the shit potentially hitting the fan? (his fear, not mine, he is always the king in my castle) how do i fix such a bruised and battered ego?

i hate seeing him hurt like this.

i want to make him understand and believe that everything will be ok.

because it will.

it has to.

thurday-isms

i have a whole bunch of thoughts in my head lately. nothing super coherent, but i will do my best to make sense of it for you.

• i have been having migraines on and off for the last couple of weeks. this also includes side effects of nausea and the spins. basically i feel like i am hungover and drunk at the same time. the last time i had episodes like this it lasted for 3 months and disappeared as quickly as they showed. my favorite part are the auras. so many colors, it brightens my day. my least favorite part is the head hurtees. the squeezing and the stabbing and the throbbing and the pain. oh my god, the pain. they have been pretty mild so far, but if it gets any worse, off to the dr. i go.
  
  
• i am super happy (and slightly shamed) that Gossip Girl, 90210, and Melrose Place are back on. umm, i totally just watch just for the fashion. and the shoes. and all the drama. but don't tell anyone. i'd much rather watch girl drama on tv than have it in my real life. i dont do well with real life drama.
  
  
• i am worried that my besties who are planning my stagette are (financially) going above and beyond what i imagined. i love my ladies, and they are already shelling out monies to come to vegas for the most amazing wedding of the decade. i dont want anyone to feel obligated to drop a mint on my last night of debauchery. i dont want anyone to feel like they are being cheap for not wanting to spend a tonne of dough that night. i dont want this to be an issue. it sucks how money can really eff things up. blerg. (and to my ladies reading this: i want to help financially - i have tucked away some 'crazy' money to spend on the funnest night of the year. i dont care how un-normal it is. this whole wedding is going to be un-normal)
  
  
• i am proud of myself for working out during the commercial breaks of the biggest loser. not all of the breaks mind you, but enough to get me a little sweaty and out of breath.
  
  
• i am ashamed at the food choices i have been making lately. very unbalanced. (one meal a day plus a snack or two or three.) very unhealthy. (cadbury cream eggs, ranch flavored pringles, cookie dough, freezies, kraft dinner, subway - but not a 'healthy' sub, pizza, bacon, toast dripping with peanut butter and clover flavored honey, & more cadbury cream eggs) but i figure if i keep the calories under 2000 a day, it's ok right? probably not. on the plus side, i am drinking almost 2 litres of water a day. and i am cut off of booze for a while. that helps right?
  

i dont have much more to babble about. maybe later today i will be inspired to say more. until then: i bid you adieu

these tears of mine

i cried at work today. just a few tears of frustration. that turned into more tears rolling down my cheeks. it was in front of my new boss, so it was a little more embarassing than regular crying at work. (not that i regularly cry at work, but i think you catch my drift.) i cried because i couldn't articulate what i wanted to say into a report we were working on side by side. not because the task was difficult. because it wasn't. but because i couldn't grammatically say what i needed to say. it didnt last long. i only soggied about 1/2 a kleenex. and my boss was very nice about it. he didnt say anything to further acknowledge the water streaming from my eyes. i think he understands women cry when they are frustrated and we just need to get it out; not acknowledge or coddle it.
moving on.
this happens a lot. the crying. i cry when i have the pictures in my head, but when i go to speak or write them, the words don't exist. i am terrible at being articulate. when i was in school, the thesaurus was my 'cheat to sound smart' utensil. i remember in grade 7, we were asked to write a descriptive paragraph of our bedroom. instead of saying 'next to' i chose to use the word 'adjacent'. my teacher beamed when he read it. in fact he read it to the whole class. he gloated at my use of language. i kept my shift+F7 (in word) secret quiet. i used this little 'trick', if you could call it that, throughout high-school and college. i constantly received praise for my writing, how imaginative it was; how descriptive; how expressive. now that i dont have the luxury of flipping open my secret weapon i feel like i speak/write like a 6 year old. when no one is looking i sneak in a suggestion or two or more... but in regular conversation, i bomb. i feel like such a fraud. the worst is when i fight with my ry. he is really good at saying what he thinks (he should be a lawyer cause he is super quick at processing language) and i am completely the opposite. i have so much flowing through my head that i cant even see the pictures anymore, let alone get the words out of mouth. it can get really disastrous. hence the reason i cry. too much.
oh internet, thanks for helping me cheat through life. i wish i could implant you in my brain to forever assist in my choosing of words.

new kitteh tricks

when enzo eats she takes some cereal out of her dish, drops it on the ground and eats one kibble at a time. amos thinks this is amazing fun. so much so that he poke checks the pieces from her pile, to play with for a while before eating it himself. i heart my amos. he finds joy in everything.

wednesday ramblies

last night tv. goood.
lost. awesome good.
90210 and melrose. addicted again
cupcakes for dinner. good idea at the time.
waking up today. not so hard.
work. quiet. yeah.
head. hurty. migraine. no fun.
belly achy. cupcake revenge?
today better go by fast.
i miss my bed.

six more months to go, half a dozen of the past

in exactly six months from the time i started this post i will be walking down the aisle.

holy effing shit.

here is a little video my love ryan put together of our little 'short bus' cat, amos, and his first six months of life with us.

male bag

dear sinusy bits inside the nose,

effing stop dripping. effing stop being plugged.

return to normal.

kindest regards, sore nostrils

dear allergens,

effing disappear already. you make me hate this time of year.

you make me spend a lot of money on kleenex.

sincerely, i am trying to pay for a wedding

dear ryan,

thank-you for cleaning the kitchen while i bitch and moan, watch tv and write on my blog which i still havent let you read.

love, me

dear shaw tv,

thank-you for actually advertising that there is a "check out this new channel free for a month" to check out, instead of me just happening to stumble upon it two days before it ends. your marketing people FINALLY clued in!

with love, an avid tv watcher

dear bed,

i will see you in about 5 more minutes.

love, my sniffly, achy, self

oh mother

my mom is so cute. yesterday she phoned me to tell me that if you type someones name into google you can find all sorts of information about them.
thanks mom.
welcome to the year 2000.