The story without a point

I am really bad at recognizing celebrities. They pretty much have to be wearing a nametag and be surrounded by the paparazzi for me to realize 'hey, you actually are so and so.' There have been numerous times when ry and i have been out and aboot and i said, 'hey there is -insert celebrity name here-!' only to find out i am completely wrong.

Last night i went to my favorite shopper's drug mart to pick up some meds, pick up a parcel at the post office and get some water (yes i drink bottled water; yes i know that there is nothing wrong with tap water; yes i recycle the bottles; yes i feel a slight tinge of guilt whenever the 'forever in a landfill' commercials come on; yes i prefer the taste of the shoppers drug mart spring water (and ONLY that brand/type of water); no i dont care if you judge me). After picking up the parcel from the PO, which happened to be big enough to take up half of my basket, and awkward enough to not be able to carry in my purse, i spied out the corner of my little eye a tall and muscular man of color. yum, yum, yum. (ry is fully aware of my drooling over men of colour, and i have permission to look). so i casually get closer (we totally needed materials to make lemon pie... we did!) and to my surprise this hunk looks surprisingly familiar. and his rippling biceps are something i could stare at for the rest of my life (sorry ry!) i am not a fan of the gawk and walk, so i grabbed the rest of my groceries and went to get my water. i suddenly realize who i think the chocolate hunk is: Tommy Europe, former BC Lion and co-host of Bulging Brides and The Last 10 Pounds.

Shit. not only is he dreamy, but he's a health-nut. there goes my chance. here is where it gets fun:

The water is on sale.

i drove to the store.
therefore, buying more water than i can carry is a good idea because i dont have to walk home with it.

the water jugs are in 4-litre bottles.

the jugs come pre-packed in 4-bottle cases.

16 litres of water is heavy.

i have been working out.

i carry the 4-jug case, my full basket, and my big purse to the front of the store.

oh shit, i need eggs.

i also have a bad back.

i have just come from the chiropractor.

i 'know' my back can handle some exertion.

i awkwardly and gingerly grab the eggs.

i balance the eggs precariously on the top of my basket, whilst carrying 16 litres of water and a big purse.

i go to stand in line.

hunky, rippling bicep hottie is the last person in the 12-deep line-up which is wrapped around the store.

hunky, rippling bicep hottie speaks.

to me.

something about ' that looks heavy, you are welcome to go in front of me'

i was hoping for a 'let me help you with that' or 'look at me flex' or 'i want to have you right now', but i will take what i can get.

slowly the line starts moving and slowly my body starts screaming in pain ' what were you thinking? you are not this strong! you can't manage this! you are going to break the eggs, or drop the water on someones foot or knock over the display of gum!' but i was a trooper. i managed to get to the front of the line with as little strain plastered on my face as possible. then the lady at till one calls for the next customer, which means i have to squeeze past 4 other people who are paying. so i manage to wedge myself past everyone, bumping people and items on display the whole way along. (i said sorry and excuse me, so hopefully no one thought i was too much of an ass).

nothing thrilling really happens next. in fact, nothing really happened during the whole excursion. i am just proud of myself for standing in front of one of the most fit men in the city (if it really was him, and i am so pretending it was, even if it wasnt) with a heavy load of groceries without crying or dropping a thing. high five to me.

The Obsession

I have a problem. and i am the first one to admit it (it's the first step right?). i watch a lot of tv. i mean a LOT. prior to getting a PVR i kept 4 6-hour VHS tapes on rotation so that i could tape everything and be able to watch it all. Ry and i live in a 570 sq ft apartment and we have 3 tv's. at one point i wanted to install a series of mirrors in the hallway so that i could watch tv while in the bathroom. (the room is too small for a set fo its own, unfortunately). i calculated it out and on average i watch about 45 hours of tv a week. (my FULL-TIME job is only 35 hours a week). i fear going away for long periods of time cause i dont trust my pvr to not erase something i really wanted to watch. i am super nervous about going on my honeymoon cause it will be during season premiere time, and i hate missing out on those first episodes of the season... pathetic, i know.

my (continually growing) list of shows are (in no particular order):

1. Gossip Girl
2. 90210
3. Melrose Place
4. Heros
5. House
6. Ghost Hunters (if you dont believe in ghosts, watch the Manson Mansion episode and tell me if you change your mind)
7. Destination Truth (the host - Josh Gates - is the bravest man i have ever seen)
8. Hoarders (though this may be dropping from the line-up soon as its super repetitive)
9. American Idol
10. So You Think You Can Dance
11. So You Think You Can Dance Canada
12. America's Next Top Model
13. Canada's Next Top Model
14. Britain's Next Top Model
15. Modern Family
16. Lost
17. Community
18. Parks and Recreation
19. The Office
20. 30 Rock
21. Fringe
22. Grey's Anatomy
23. The Simpsons
24. Family Guy
25. South Park
26. Biggest Loser
27. How I Met Your Mother
28. Survivor
29. The Bachelor (i am ashamed about this one)
30. Project Runway
31. Project Runway Canada
32. Dexter
33. Weeds
34. Saturday Night Live
35. Amazing Race
36. The Apprentice (occasionally)
37. Worst Week
38. Canada's Worst Driver
39. C.S.I
40. Ghost Hunter's Academy
41. Oprah
42. Jersey Shore (super ashamed about this one)
43. Paris Hilton: My New Best Friend
44. Kenny vs. Spenny (occasionally)
45. Ugly Betty
46. Wipeout

Not to mention:

• all those one-off shows that only last one season but involve a bunch of bitchy girls living in a gorgeous mansion vying to be the next big thing. Love the drama.
• Ry's shows
• Movies that i always wanted to watch but never did and they play on tbs like 6 times a day
• re-runs of Seinfeld, Robot Chicken, South Park, Simpsons, Family Guy etc
• all the bridal shows i have been obsessed with watching to help plan with my wedding

So as you can see i have a problem. But i am damn proud of it.

The Headache from Hell and a weekend round-up

After scrubbing my toes this morning in the shower i stood up and experienced some of the worst pain i have felt this year. Knives of electricity stabbed my brain for about 3 minutes. it felt like 9 hours. the pain eased off a bit, but then became like a vice, squeezing my cerebrum in a slow, methodical rhythm. it's been 4 hours and the throbbing has yet to sub-side. it's not as strong as earlier, but robust enough to make me cringe when there are loud noises and bright lights. i want to lie (lay?) in the dark buried with my kitten and my massive king-sized duvet. enough whining. gotta suck it up and to get back to work.

******

I had a wonderful weekend with my Ry and dad up at Sun Peaks Resort in the interior of BC. The boys skied while i relaxed in the condo with full intentions of finishing one of the two books i have to finish by the end of the month. i cheated and went for a walk in the village, watched Across the Universe (one of my most favorite musical movies ever) and then went for a massage at the spa. The massage was fabulous. the weather was fantastic. the apres ski was delish (onion rings with honey dijon aioli, yam fries with curry aioli and a fountain of booze). Ry and my dad had a great time bonding on the hill. i am glad they get along. one of my fears of marriage was scary-in-laws. Ry and i are fortunate to have nice-in-laws. i am really thankful for that.

Sunday morning was spent on the road. some days i am glad my dad speeds cause it means we will get there faster. i know its not something to be proud of. sunday afternoon was spent cuddling with amos and enzo and emptying some shows from the PVR. i will get into my PVR obsession at a later time; i kind of have to be doing work right now....

ps

ps. i finished the colon blast 2000 thingy and it was just ok. i feel a little cleansed, but still a little bloaty. i didnt lose any weight, or inches. however the push-ups are making my arms a little buffer each day. mcloving it.

10 things i didnt know til i was an adult...

To follow in Twenty Somethings footsteps, but with a different pair of shoes i present to you:

A couple of things I did not know until i was WAY past being old enough to know better:

1. marble cheese is not a combo of yellow cheddar and mozzarella. it is white and yellow cheddar.

2. Kuwait is not a city in Iraq. it is a country (please note, i plead major ignorance on this one. sorry.)

i could only come up with 2 things so far. its not that i am perfect and all-knowing. far from it in fact. i have been drinking. and its late. not really. its like 930. but its been a exhausting weekend and i am tired.

i will continue my list later when i can remember more than just the correct order of the keys on the keyboard.

night folks!

the road

I have been awfully up and down in my moods the last two weeks. i feel like i have so much going on in my head, but dont have the words or language to articulate it. i keep falling into the trap of how i used to think at this time of year, before i went on meds. very bad thoughts about discontinuing my existence. not that i actually would, but just the thought of it was comforting. as odd as that sounds. i was at a point where i would not walk across the bridge to get to work, for fear i would jump. i hesitated to stand too close to the edge of street corners, for fear of stepping in front of a bus. i ensured we had minimal amounts of alcohol and medication in the house in case i got hungry. although i am somewhat more balanced now (thank-you medication, eff you Tom Cruise) i still think about the 'what if i did...' and 'how would i...' disturbing i know. my conscience still guilt's me for treating myself this way. its not right. i have so much happiness in my life, and am so lucky to be where i am and have what i have. why can't i appreciate it? why can't i accept it? i don't know. after all this time you would think i could get over it. but i think i am coming to realize its not something that one gets over. its not a mountain to climb over to get to the other side. its not a river to cross. its not a ride that will be over in 5 minutes or 5 years or 5 decades. its just the road i am on.
getting over it is not an option. learning from it is. understanding it is. and i am ok with that.

I think i can, i know i can

i will post later tonight. but just in case i cant, here i am. right now i am chewing thrills, the gum that tastes like soap and i am actually enjoying it. except for the fact that the gum turns hard as rock after about 45 seconds. so i throw it away and eat a new piece. mmhmm.

A little bit psychic, a lot Lazy with a dash of it wasn't my fault.

so i already broke my 'write my ramblings online every 3 days' resolution. i'm sorry. on friday at work i thought about writing a little doo-dadd, but didnt have much to say. "i'll do it on the weekend." i told myself. so after meeting my ladies for a meal at the white spot, and doing a little shopping, i came home to find the comp is broken. something to do with updating our shaw secure. more like - wait i shouldn't say that. Ry might read this one day.

rest assured everything turned out fine. comp is fixed. all is well. we can look at porn again.

and i still cant think of anything to write.

They Really Do Love Me

I am super excited. Like most first-time blog persons, I never thought that people would read the babble i expel. I also thought that aside from my dear Hillary no one would ever leave a comment. but there are REAL people out there actually reading my incoherencies! and there are REAL people who are kind enough to leave a few words for me to read! i am so elated! high 5 to those who have stumbled across my ramblings. i hope i entertain you enough to come back.

On another note, there has been some talk of about blogging anonymously so that those in our lives don't stumble across the thoughts verbally left unsaid that may damage the relationship vs. censoring one's writing so if they do find the words, its cruelty free.

Only one person in my life knows about my little corner in the inter-world. I admit there are words on here that i am uncomfortable saying, expressing, singing out loud. If someone from my present or past (the ex, the evil judgy girls i went to high school with, people i work(ed) with) stumble across it could create some awkwardness in my being. It's like that episode of friends where ross makes the list about rachel (or is it rachem). when he writes down her cons she flips out at him. everything she hates about herself is something he sees as a negative too, and if she cant love herself despite those things, how can he possibly love her despite them too? i dont expect everyone to love every bit of me, but i dont want to give them ammo to take me down at my weakest points. (can you tell i have trust issues?)

i hesitate to write like no one reads this. posting under a pseudonym seems like a better idea each day. i am sure one day i will feel comfortable telling the whole world about my issues. one day i can tell all of my friends about my musings and they can follow along. one day i can let everyone in my real life know i am bi-polar and became (technically) obese because of it. (weight details are a forbidden topic among my real-lifers) One day i can tell them that i almost didnt make it past high school, or how i almost took the whole bottle, or how i made some really really poor decisions in college but i still made it through ok. One Day.

but for now i want to fight the battle anonymously alone.

its funny how we can bare our souls to strangers, yet can't even tell the people who surround us that we love them.

Day Three: What to Write...

So it's relatively near the end of January third and i have kept on track with the following goals:

1. Finish two (new) books that have been sitting on my shelf, waiting to be picked up. I have started one new book thus far.


2. Lose 8 lbs by January 31st. Let's face it, i was at the grand-parents and in-laws for a belated Christmas. There was no watching what you eat. Though the meals were quite healthy (veggie lasagna & Santa Fe chicken).


3. Eat healthy during the week (approx. 2000 calories/day) and get 'one ruin your diet' day on the weekend. Friday was a holiday. Doesn't count...


4. Write updates on this blog at least every third day. Done and done.


5. Complete 20 push-ups every 2nd day. NO EXCUSES! Friday was a holiday but i did 20 today! high five for me.

So in closing, i am sort of on track. only 28 more days to go....

Happy 2010!

As promised here are my five goals for the month of January:

1. Finish two (new) books that have been sitting on my shelf, waiting to be picked up. I have a habit of buying books and not fully reading them because something better came along in the meantime. I judge books by their covers too. Shame on me.


2. Lose 8 lbs by January 31st. Small goal, hopefully plausible. I mean, very plausible. think positive and about how amazing you will look in your wedding dress.


3. Eat healthy during the week (approx. 2000 calories/day) and get 'one ruin your diet' day on the weekend.


4. Write updates on this blog at least every third day.


5. Complete 20 push-ups every 2nd day. NO EXCUSES!

2010 overall: I am committing to lose at least 40 lbs by my wedding in September. I am committing to be more patient and kind. I am committing to spending more time with friends, rather than with my tv. I am committing to less procrastination and taking more initiative.

And i give you permission to kick my ass if i fail.

Proud Of's and Not So Proud Of's in the Oh-Nine

Proud Of's:
- Keeping on task with wedding planning. Only 251 more days to go....
- Losing 14 lbs without trying very hard (imagine what i can do if i put in effort...)
- Taking the initiative to up my meds when i am feeling low, instead of getting sucked back into the darkness that i used to live in
- Landing a new job after dealing with all the extraneous crap i put up with in my last one
- Adding a new member to the family: Amos
- Finally enrolling in some online courses to further my edumacation
- Going to some pretty epic concerts
- Showing my ex that i am MUCH better off without him, and i have a gorgeous rock on my finger to prove it

Not-So-Proud Of's:
- How immature i have been regarding my work situation
- Being an asshole to Ry when he doesn't deserve it
- Spending a lot of time not working than working (but i get everything done, so does that count?)
- My attitude towards others hasn't been the greatest (my temper gets shorter every day...)
- Replying instead of forwarding a very bad response to the HR manager... whoops!
- Not slowing down enough to enjoy life
- Complaining about the little things
- Watching so much TV

i am sure there are plenty more things to add to the lists. may those R.I.P.

Happy New Year! And may 2010 rock even more than 2009!

Losing Some Baggage

Now that Christmas is over and most of the leftovers are eaten, i can actually start on my plan to get into a better shape (round is a shape, but not the one i want to be in). i am kick-starting the reshaping by doing a detox cleanse to "get rid of the toxins in my body." basically a bunch of natural colon blaster pills that scrape your intestines of all the crap that shouldn't be there. no pun intended. its not supposed to give you the runs for two weeks straight (hopefully) but be ' a gentle and natural cleanse'. to top it off i vow to take the stairs whenever possible as well as do at least 20 push-ups a day.

think i can do it? probably not. but i wont let that stop me.

What Keeps Me Up @ Night

I need to learn how to get over my insecurities.
I need to learn how to articulate my thoughts better.
I need to learn how to maneuver through life without falling down.
I need to learn how to accept that i will fall and that it's ok.
I need to learn how to let people in.
I need to learn how to procrastinate less.
I need to learn how to take action.
I need to learn how to let it go.
I need to learn how to be vulnerable around others.
I need to learn how to get in shape.
I need to learn how to appreciate what i have.
I need to learn how to take one day at a time.
I need to learn how to be a better person.
I need to learn how to calm down.
I need to learn how to take more responsibility for my self.
I need to learn how to breathe.
I need to learn how.
I need to.

I'm Just Another Girl Who Wants To Know

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Re-evaluating my self and actions and words. Looking for patterns of balance in my life and patterns of destruction. Understanding what is good for me and what needs to change in order for my sanity to move forward.

I have always been the person who has lots of acquaintances but not a lot of super close friends. i have my 2 or 3 besties, but we each have our own little worlds that we live in. Looking back in my friendship history i noticed that whenever i did get close to someone it suddenly collapsed and the friendship disintegrated for some unknown reason. i always wondered if it was me, if i was the catalyst that ruins things. maybe it was them. maybe they had things happening that they needed to move on from me for whatever reason. i just wish i knew that reason. in my 'can't let it go' obsessive mind i want to contact my former friends and ask what happened to end the friendship. but my fear of their judgement and sardonic pity prevents me from doing so.
instead i ponder.
did i suffocate those around me with my insecurities?
was i the one to abandon ship without saving anyone else?
am i completely oblivious to what is really happening?
am i so out of touch that i cant even see myself as the poison in the apple?

i think i'd just prefer to walk alone than really know the truth.

12 days of 2009

There are 13 days left this year. Kind of frightening consider how quickly it has gone by already. All of the chaos that has happened this year is jumbling in my head. Especially the crap with my former job. I am still disgusted with the lack of resolve, but i just need to move forward. How do i let the anger go? How do i get rid of the resentment i have? How do i forgive (ha!) and forget?
i have a really difficult time letting go when i feel my concerns have not been addressed appropriately. especially when the people who hurt me get off Scot-free.
Just breathe.

-*-*-*-*-

I have begun to think of New Year's resolutions to actually stick to, which is rare, since i usually break them before the end of January 1st. Since i am holding myself more accountable with the decisions i make, i plan (and please kick my ass into gear if i don't) to create a list of 5 things to accomplish each month. Smart things like reading, doing continued education courses for work, exercising. Maybe a not so smart thing like baking something yummy every week. Maybe something fun like planning surprise dates for Ry. I will start off with 5 items each month and bump it up to 10 if i feel 5 is too easy. ha. we'll see about that. Stay tuned for my first list posted on January 1.

and remember: just breathe.

Random December Updates

• Amos becomes a eunuch tomorrow. Poor little guy...
• I am recovering from my 3rd bout of pneumonia. No hospital trip this time, which means no needles. Whoo!
• Chocolate milk is my new favorite drink. It must be ice cold though. And served with a straw. Preferably a bendy straw.
• Honeymoon planning is trickier than i first thought. The prices we are quoted for the place we want to go to keep changing (for the worse) and although we still have months to book it, i am worried we will end up in a shitty resort filled with families with noisy children.
• Ry is still super stressy about finding a location for our reception. Hopefully this passes. I think its because other parts of his life are stressy and are beyond his control, so he is becoming stressy about the things he can control.
• I finished a great book called Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey. It is one i will keep on the shelf and read again when i am in a lull.
• I wish i had more motivation to get my life together. i feel like i am doing the bare minimum. and i dont care, but i do care that it is affecting people around me. i dont like to be a disappointment.
• I want to crawl under the heavy duvet on my bed and sleep until January....

9 months minus one day...

... until the big day. We have accomplished a lot but still have quite a bit to do. Ry is starting to get stressed about the location of our reception. I know we can't really prep for it until we know our numbers, which will be in early Spring. I'm not worried. Vegas is the type of place where you can plan your wedding in 3 days. And with ours being mid-week, we should have no issues with booking the place we really want. Fingers crossed.

Things to be Thankful for Today:

- today being Friday, and at 4pm, it will be the furthest moment from having to be at work again.
- my (cheat) lunch of grilled cheese and shaved ham on white bread. mm gooey hot goodness.
- that i found my wedding dress with minimal stress
- that i was able to book off the entire time from work that i had hoped to for my wedding
- approval for continuing education (i'm going to get my PMP!) and my work will pay for it all
- improved posture, money in my pocket, and kittens.

ps. i have been really good with food all week - all 4 food groups with every meal, and only 2 glasses of (white) wine during the department's christmas lunch. i need to get back on the breakfast bandwagon, cause i crash hard in the afternoon. I will make that nest week's 'work on me' project. and i am still doing pushups every 2nd day, with stretches and other ab things (switching it up each day) to keep my body working. high five to me.

How Many Christmas's This Year...

My parents are divorced. No big deal. It was a fairly painless process (for me) and somewhat exciting because it meant two birthday's, two Christmas's and twice the amount of vacation travelling. As a kid, more presents always equals more fun (spoiled brat, i know). This year, however, because of some upcoming nuptials (i.e. mine) Christmas is going to be a bit quieter. We'll still do the decorating and the visiting and the eating and the bonding, but gifting not so much. Don't get me wrong, i am all about saving more money to spend on the wedding, but it doesn't seem like Christmas to me if i can't spoil the ones i love. On both of my parents sides, we are doing a secret Santa. Easy breezy. Both people i picked are super easy to buy for. I feel guilty for not getting the others anything though... like my mom. How can i not buy my mom something for Christmas? i know and fully understand that Christmas isn't about the gifts, but my mom busts her ass to support herself, and she rarely - if ever - does anything nice for herself. I want to spoil her. She is the most deserving person. And i can afford to spoil her, so why not?
On Ry's side, his family doesn't want to do any sort of exchanging this year. I mean, i guess that's ok, but still - how about a little something - like a donation to a charity, or a silly gift? I am going to have a hard time not getting them anything. I will probably cheat and make something special for everyone. Maybe a piece of art courtesy of Amos and Enzo that can be hung on the fridge (ooo good idea!) or an ornament for the tree where the proceeds go to a shelter or charity.
Is it selfish of me to still give people something because i feel guilty they don't want anything?
It's the thought that counts, not the dollars spent right? blerg.
Holidays are complicated. :S