thursday tidbits

random bitching's and gloating's:

• 48 days til i get to be a bride. i kinda wish there was more time to plan (like 2 years wasnt long enough....) but i wish that i could leave for vegas tomorrow.
• work and home and life are super crazy and all a flutter. i have no idea where i will be in October. its driving me mad. one day i am ok with moving away and leaving the chaos of the city; the next i cant bare to. i have to make a pros and cons list. at least there is no rachem to fuck things up.
• ipad = ifun. ihave no idea how to use it. this is my first piece of new technology. tell me your favorite apps (pref free ones, cause iam mega broke). i am obsessed with chicktionary (ithink that's what it's called) and 700 different versions of solitaire. iwill be moving into starbucks soon to take full advantage of free wi-fi. (is that the right term? ihave no idea what these techie words mean. ifeel like my mom does when itry to teach her about facebook.)
• i dont know where it is coming from, but i keep finding large pieces (as in the size of table salt) of silver glitter on me. wtf?
• the two ladies who work in the cafeteria at my office noticed and congratulated me on having lost quite a bit o weight. (22+ lbs since my heaviest) it made me feel so good. it was the first time someone had actually said anything to me about it (aside from ry). i have been in such a positive mood since: validation from outsiders can really make a difference. i dont think they realize how much they made my day, but it has been the highlight comment of my month so far.
• i went for an amazingly long walk with one of my besties on monday. it felt so good to get some sunshine and fresh air. we hadn't seen each other in months, so it was nice to catch up and get our bond back on.
• i hate cutting my toe-nails. its awkward, feels weird and i just fucking hate it. nuff said.
• friday should be here by now. i need a sleep-in.

i am taking some time off. things are hectic and stressful, and although i love to vent (have you read my previous posts?!?!) it makes my eyes twitch to even think about my future life.
my posts will be sporadic at best, but if i dont write soon, have a wonderful summer!

xoxo

what a waste of fucking time

i worked so hard. i documented everything. i wrote out all the procedures step-by-step so that if any issues came up, there would be a consistency that could be followed. i believe in great customer service. i believe in treating people fairly. i trained my replacement for every fucking scenario possible so she would feel comfortable dealing with the stress of that job. i spent DAYS upon DAYS creating and updating EVERYTHING so that it was all perfect for the day i left.

today i find out that it's gone. the procedures - dumped. the paper work - thrown out. the files - deleted.

i can't believe i bothered. why did i even think it would make a difference?

so please tell me how to have faith that working hard actually gets you respect. tell me how it is possible that effort and a positive attitude and great service are now optional, instead of mandatory. explain how it's ok to go from being a temp to having a manager's parking stall in just over a year, when there has been a parking wait list with people who have been waiting 3 years for a stall? taking advantage of your position much?

because from what i am witnessing and learning first-hand: those who break the rules for their own agenda, get ahead and those who are honest and work their asses off to make sure things are done right, get fuck all except a cold shoulder and a bunch of empty promises.

CEO: you lied to me. You looked me in the eye and told me this would get better. it never did. and now i am fucked because of it. i have lost so much respect for you. SO much respect.

VP of HR: you could have stopped this long ago. when i came into your office and told you everything, you sounded like you had planned to take action. i doubt you will even notice i am gone once i am done this mat leave coverage. my boss left her job because of YOUR lack of involvement. I will most likely have no permanent job at (insert workplace here) in October because of YOUR lack of involvement. Thanks for nothing.

Former Manager: i hope you are finally starting to realize that I was never the problem. Your staff (as usual) are out of control and are taking advantage of things they KNOW they shouldn't be. But i am sure you dont even notice because you spend so much time ignoring everything around you. Your people skills are horrible. Perhaps taking some communication classes and managerial courses will help you run your department better. Unless you like your temps running around doing whatever they please, and treating people like trash. Your department, your choice. But know that i am not the only one that feels this way.

and to the rest of you: i hope you fucking get everything you have coming to you. cause you damn well know you deserve it you fucking rude incompetent bitches.

end rant.

i need to stop adding more hatred and anger and jadedness and and bitterness to my soul. i can already feel my blood pressure rising.

where is my vodka...

home alone

i am alone for the next two weeks. ry is gone and i am paranoid of someone breaking in and attacking me. we keep a metal bar near the front door for such attacks, but i have also set up a series of alarms to alert me should someone try to sneak in when i am asleep. i would like to elaborate, but fear that it may backfire.... oh what the hell. i have put containers of pennies on all the window-sills. if someone tries to intrude, the pennies will fall and wake me up. i will have 3 seconds to get to the bar and beat the fuck out of the burglar. i have stacked a bunch of noisy items at the front door as a similar alarm. both cats are also on full alert. they understand. they know what to do. enzo is an attacker. she will go for the face. amos will go for a hug. bless his heart.
i also have set up a little device at my front door so i know if anyone has been in the apartment or not. a busted down front door would also be a clue, but i dont trust the building management, so you never know.
i have to stop reading the Stieg Larrson series. i am getting too many (good?) ideas.
the highlights so far of my 'single' life:

• having the queen-size bed all to myself
• always getting to choose the channel (not much a change from real life)
• no judgement from the household if i want to eat a spoonful of icing from the can, 2 pancakes, and a couple of slices of cheese for dinner

the one where it hurts to even open my eyes

i see the doctor tonight. to fix my fucked up little head. to hopefully take away the migraines and the delusions and the tunnel vision and the tricks and the madness and the crazy. to take away my fucked up vision and my word muddles (thank god for spelling and grammar check). to take away the whispers and the paranoia and the tremors and shakes and the nausea and the facial numbness and the anger and the twitching and the head aches. please make my head stop hurting. these migraines are really wearing me down. i am having trouble faking it. i don't know how much longer i can keep faking.

this guy

i woke up with the shakes this morning. i twitch like michael j. fox. i mean that in the least cruel of ways. staring down at my hands they dance in midair out of my control.

ryan leaves for a two week job in the interior. it will be good. for him. for us. he needs the change of pace. and the money wont hurt either. i just hope the guy who hired him doesnt fuck him over.

be positive.

stay positive.

things are gunna be ok.

and you know that you are fine.

i miss you already

and you're not even out the door.

remotely controlled

life is a constant battle of control. food. relationships. sex. work. life. mental and physical health. and everything in between.

when i was in 6th grade, one of the girls in my class had a major battle with anorexia. she was hospitalized for most of that school year, and was in and out of the hospital for years afterwards. because we were at 'that impressionable age' all of the grade 6 and 7 girls were called into an assembly to learn what it meant to be anorexic and how it wasn't just about food or body image. it was about how she felt she had lost control of everything around her, and the only thing she felt that she could be in charge of was the amount of food she put into her body. by mastering the art of starving herself, she thought she could be successful and happy, even though her goals were extremely unrealistic. don't get me wrong, the body image issue was still a part of her disease.but all she wanted was to feel like she could do something right for once. and not be a fuck up.

right now i feel like i have little to no control in my life. i am struggling so hard to get that back and i feel that when i get a step further ahead, i end up hurting someone, so i need to step back, reevaluate and go a new direction. i can accept that life is beyond my control. i am not so OCD that i need everything to be MY way ALL of the time. but for the things that i SHOULD have control over, like my body, and my eating, and my mind, i have been trying not to fuck up, yet i have been; somewhat consciously, somewhat unconsciously. In order to gain that control back, i have been very strict with myself. one meal a day. only drink water. 20 push-ups every other day. meditate the bad thoughts away. process the good thoughts into action. create positive energy. its sad and pathetic, and i know it, and i cant stop. i am too numb.

i found out that a close family member recently tried to kill himself. he was found in his bathroom hung by a towel round his neck by his soon to be brother-in-law. CPR was administered immediately and he is so very lucky to be alive. i can't stop thinking about how that should have been me. that sounds so selfish. so disgusting. we have the same story. we both are diagnosed with depression. (i'm bi-polar II, he just has depression) we both want to die. at least now he can talk to his family about it. people who understand and can be there for him when he has his lows.
my family doesnt know about my lows.
they dont know how sometimes i can't walk over bridges because all i want to do is jump to my death.
they dont know how i save my extra meds for that 'one day that i might just need all of them'.
they don't know that i dont care about having someone hold a gun to my head in a hostage situation (i watch a lot of tv, i doubt this would actually happen in my little life) because i am suicidal, and just dont give a fuck.
they wouldnt understand. i have tried explaining it to ry but because he has never had those feelings before he cant empathize. it's like explaining to a snake what it feels like to have legs.

i am out for the weekend. take care. i will do my best.

some if's

please take into consideration that not all of these are real if's in my life. some of them are, but not all of them. just cause if i do post only the real ones i will feel like a real ass-hat.

• if you see someone from the car next to yours at a red light litter , do you let them know they dropped something or just let it be?


• if someone tells you that it's ok to say no when you are not in the mood, do you say no, or just 'take one for the team' and hope they are too busy getting their rocks off to care?


• if the sign says stop, do you, or do you casually slow down and eversobriefly pause?


• if you could only make one long-distance phone call, who would you call?


• if someone says they will pick you up between a short 15 minute window, would you wait in the normal established pick-up area that has been used for the past 6 years, or sit on your ass waiting for a phone call to say i'm here', or alternatively, have said driver park in awkward parking garage, come upstairs to get said lazy ass, only to have to leave 2 seconds later?


• if someone gives you the finger for something they have done wrong do you have the right to fake pretend running them over?


• if you have to shit at work, is it best to wait until everyone has vacated the other stalls, or just bring in some febreeze?


• if vienna stayed with jake, do you think he would have (attempted to) killed her?


• if a parent is riding a bike, with their child in the 'child bucket' strapped to the back of the bike, is it ok to yell at them if only the child is wearing a helmet, and the parent isn't? (cause i mean wtf kind of example are they setting?)


• if i sneak out five minutes early today, will anyone notice?

donations accepted

i have been in a nauseous and migrainey and leave-me-alone-i-need-to-process-how-the-fuck-i-am-going-to-afford-this-wedding kind of mood lately. ryan is in an even bigger funk cause he hasn't been able to find work since april and EI only supplies 1/2 of what his old salary was. phuck. fuck. fack. in the end i know things will turn out fine, but right now its very tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. is that the right metaphor? see the forest for the trees? clouds have silver linings? ... fuck i dont even care. deep breath. be positive. good things happen to those who wait.

...

On another 'my mom is her own sitcom' note, she recently discovered that the lyrics to Beyonce's Single Ladies are "All the single ladies, all the single ladies" not "I'm a single-ette, I'm a single-ette".

Although she is now fully aware of the correct lyrics, she likes her version better and continues to sing it her way when ever the song plays on the radio or anywhere in public.

monday mail bag. more angry than the normal version.

dear c-word in the green jetta in front of me on the way home last night,

Yah, Hi! i saw you looking down every two seconds to add another letter to your text. i noticed how much you weren't paying attention to the GREEN light in front of you. i knew you had no idea that the vehicle in front of you had gone through the intersection and it was your turn to go. but you sure noticed when i laid on my horn. boy did you jump. i bet you mis-typed on your i-phone. or was it a blackberry? i couldn't tell cause you were doing such an amazing job pretending that you WEREN'T TEXTING AND DRIVING. but my favorite part is when you thought i was following you through the city (honestly i actually was going the same way) and you proceeded to go at least 30-50km over the speed limit. i sure wish the cops had been on granville to catch you. it would have made my day.

all the best in your future texts, the ford escape behind you

dear border guards

thank-you for allowing me to cross the border with slightly more than the alloted amount and not making me pay duty. it really, really helped with my limited budget. plus i like sticking it to the man.

love, a pretend anarchist

dear charmin,

you make a fucking awesome toilet paper. i am so amazed at how it doesn't crumb. i wish i could afford you all the time. rest assured, when i win the millions that are due to me, i will have an entire closet in my home dedicated to you, so that i will never run out.

love, a non-paper-crumby bum

dear food inc.

thank you for opening my eyes to the evil that exists in the food industry. it is sad that farmers are forced to comply or go under. i hope that this can change - the sooner the better. otherwise we are going to turn into mutants who eat deep-fried circles as food. i mean seriously? have you seen these?

love, a former processed food eater

ps tyson foods - fucking shame on you.

dear city of vancouver,

lets spend some more money on bike lanes so that the kids, whose schools will be closing next year due to lack of funds, will have somewhere to cycle.

regards, a city dweller who is somewhat tolerant of the bicycling kind (i only like the ones that follow the law)

friday fumduddlery

• yeah for it being the furthest point from having to be back at work again. cause fuck you monday.
• i made chocolate cake and had some for breakfast. you only judge because you wish you did it too.
• there is a one-in-28-million chance of winning the $50 million lottery tonight. i am that one. you can toss your ticket away.
• my high school 10 year reunion was held recently. due to the fact that i am still friends with the only two people from high school i actually would want to see, i didn't go. after seeing the pictures of the only 17 or so people (out of a class of 250-ish) who did go, i am glad i didn't waste my time. yah that's right. i said it. i had better places to get drunk.
• i finally got around to waxing the lower portion of my legs. i can now wear skirts and bermudas with-out the shame of looking like an ape or a man or a lesbian high school teacher.
• i have been wanting to burst out crying a lot lately for no reason. i am not sure if its a period thing, a med side effect, or what. i haven't actually done it, but i am sure there is going to be a moment soon in a really public place where i will hear some random song from my past that will cause me to have a public breakdown and i will have to be escorted out of the store. i seriously need to stop watching mall cops on tlc.
• 75 days til i am wed. not stressy yet. i just want the drinking to begin.
• have a fabulous weekend. i am going to.

i think you just answered your own #%* question...

i fear driving with one of my friends (who shall remain nameless). i only drive with him if i absolutely HAVE to, and only on very short drives. "but why?" do you ask... because he is the epitome of asshole drivers. he bitches and complains about 'those other drivers' but he should be their king. and here is why:

the other day, said friend picked me up to take me and his wife 8 blocks from my house to the most amazing thing ever (a cupcake competition!!! yum, yum, yum, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, bellyache, poop frosting, crave more cupcakes...)
as we were making the final right turn to our destination, there was a lady on a moped in front of us, who was also making a right turn. she also happened to use her left arm to indicate that she was turning right. all of a sudden our gracious driver yells out "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU USING YOUR ARM FOR!?!?!?! THAT'S WHAT FUCKING SIGNALS ARE FOR!!!! OH THAT'S RIGHT YOUR FUCKING MOPED DOESN'T HAVE THEM!!! GET OFF THE ROAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!"
From the back seat i blatantly replied "umm, she is using her arm because, although she does have a signal on her moped, which is on and indicating she is turning, she is also using her arm to show you she is turning right, in case you can't see her turn signal. so essentially she is doing YOU the favor."

he shut right up after that.

frickin laser

stolen from some random on google images

(would link but i think he stole it too...)

i hate body hair. i hate hair removal. its such an annoying and effort-full process. a few years ago i determined lazering 'down unda' would help in the shaving/waxing department (and yes i did the math) i went for a few sessions and then abandoned ship because the lady cut* me with the razor**, in a spot that was a little TOO close to my sphincter for my liking.

Anyhoodle, today i went back for the third to last time (cause its working, yeah!!) and my new laser lady is frickin AWESOME! She is super funny and very relaxy and laid-back and you dont mind that she is manipulating and zapping your labia with a frickin lazer while joking about how her cats cuddle up to her in the night, which gives her terrible allergies.

My saviour from the pain though: Emla the numbing cream - a pussy whose about to be lazered's best friend.

only 2 more sessions until i have the undersmile of a porn star. this better be worth it.

*the cut was so bad that it bled all the way home (5 blocks) and actually scabbed (yes, i HAD to check, just to see how bad it actually was)

**yes, before getting lazered you have to shave every single hair that you want lazered off, including your anal hairs. if you can't reach or get all of them, the lazer'er will do it for you; this can be a little awkward when they use a dollar store bic and go quickly (SERIOUSLY?!?!) against the grain (OUCH!). boys - its not as sexy as it sounds.

581

581 un-read items in my reader. i am embarrassed. i am going to read them all tonight.

love.

rememories

remember back when...
- i made a resolution to post a minimum of every 3 days...
- the winter olympics were the sunniest part of this year thus far...
- being in school right now meant sports day, class trips to the beach, and ice cream day with the excitement of summer vacation being right around the corner...
- the idea of having a second cat, to keep your first cat from being lonely, except now all they do is make a shitload of noise as they 'play' fight and chase each other through-out your no-pets building, was a good idea...
- having a dad who was single meant that his life wasn't dictated by his 'new' wife and her anti-social needs...
- having the hiccups was still funny after 20 minutes...
- buying a condo/loft/apartment in downtown Vancouver was actually feasible for someone in my financial bracket...
- Kanye was a gay fish on South Park...
- i didn't know what it felt like to be bi-polar...
- 'staying up late' didn't mean going to bed before 1030pm...
- it was easy to have more than 2 glasses of wine without getting a hangover...
- time went slowly, fat wasn't so quick to develop around the belly, and life was full of open doors and endless opportunities...

i have been so caught up in everything that i haven't had the time to be still and reflect on the chaos in my head.
wedding plans & details - pending and in progress; coming along smoothly
health - all over the place; i broke up with my chiro cause "its not you, its me..."; i may be soon diagnosed as schizophrenic; my back is seizing so much that i can't get dressed by myself in the morning; BUT my asthma is doing very well - horray!
family - doing awesome, i think my bro found 'the one' - we'll see if they elope in Vegas in sept.
work - i only have 140 days left until my contract is up and i have no job, no benefits, no perks. no pressure to find a new job, yah rite...
weight-loss - i can fit into pants that i haven't been able to wear in almost 2 years. LOVE it! my 'lazi(wo)man's exercise routine' is actually working!

however some days i wish there was a pause button for the DVR of my life... then maybe i could conquer the world...

run, nicole, run.

she had to stop thinking about it. the anxiety flooded her head continuously with fear and rage and illogical thoughts. she was trying so hard to be nice and be complacent and be agreeable and be happy and cheerful and get along with him. her loss of control over what she thinks is "everything" fucks her up even more.
too many things happening at once.
too many questions to answer at once.
too many decisions to make at once.
she left to hide and calm down. it doesnt work. her adrenaline is pumping too high and physiologically her body wont calm down. there is no control over that. nothing safe anyway.
he comes in to comfort her but she has none of it. the panic sets in. the knowledge that the more she panics, the further she pushes him away makes it worse. he tries to help her the only way he knows how but its becoming the opposite of what she needs.
yelling and frustration make it worse. everything makes it worse. she screams and threatens to hurt him before he can hurt her. that's the goal right? hurt them before they can hurt you. you lose either way.
he calls her insane and goes to get air.
she grabs the keys and runs out. speeding away as fast as the green lights can turn. she has no where to go. driving around for 17 minutes leads to a quiet street in the middle of town. she parks and listens to music to calm her down. her heart still races a mile a minute. she tries to meditate, but can only think about how out of control she feels. reclining back in the drivers seat she attempts to sleep. at least for a little while.
she dreams about the sad little girl she is. how pathetic and sad she is. how hurtful and terrible. how she doesn't deserve anything. how much longer can she pretend to be ok.
hours later she slowly pulls into her driveway. slowly sneaks into her home. slowly slips into bed. alone. he is giving her space. she's not sure its what she needs, but it will have to do.
she cant stop thinking. sleep isnt an option. gaining control of her mind, her thoughts, her self is the only thing that is of concern. but she cant stop the flood of memories. the prospect of new memories. the pressure of making everything perfect and everyone happy. she knows its not possible, but her self wont accept it. her mind wont shut off.
sunday is the anniversary of her attempted death.
12 years later she is still trying to let it go.
12 years later she is still recovering.
12 years later she is no further ahead in her battle through the dark.

things are comin' up me

i am going to quit apologizing for not writing more. its my blog. i can write when i want. sorry.

a joke for mother's day:

what position do you do it in to make an ugly baby?

go ask your mother.

and now for the news:

a HUGE weight has been lifted from my shoulders. ry and i have (finally) found and secured the location for our wedding reception. its top secret for now. but its SUPER EFFING AWESOME. i cant wait to unveil it to everyone. our coordinator at the top secret location is awesome and is letting us do pretty much whatever we want. love it!

i was quite irritated with the meetings we had with some of the other reception location vendors we met with. it was almost as if they didn't want us to have our party their, and not spend money in their restaurant. the top secret location we are having it is mega accommodating and is excited to help make our day wicked cool.

we met with our new ceremony coordinator too. our previous one was just as apathetic as the vendors who didn't seem to want our money. i am relieved to know our new coordinator is so gung-ho for us and is going to make the ceremony run smoothly. i have a hard time trusting people who act incompetent, and i have to micro-manage/bridezilla their ass to get things done; but our present coordinators are extremely competent. They rock the casbah and i have no worries at all. that's a big deal for me. high fives for danielle and joel.

another high five goes out to me and ry. today we ran power-walked the annual 10km vancouver sun run. good news: i finished it with minimal bitching and absolutely NO training (insert excuse for not training here). bad news: i have three giant blisters from new shoes that i neglected to break in. (whoopsy!) good news: i bought those new reebok's with the stability balls in the toe and heel and they ROCK! my buns and inner thighs feel fantastic. bad news: tomorrow i predict i will be in so much pain.

one last little bit. i didnt make a goal for april. i think completing the sun run was my goal. i didn't want to do it. at all. it was on ry's bucket list and he asked me to do it with him (TWSS tee hee) so i obliged. it was january. i thought he would have forgotten about it by the time it rolled around. turns out he didn't. but its a good thing. cause i needed a kick in the ass to start getting in shape so i can look hot for summer. cause the inner tube around my waist does not need to get any bigger.

8 weeks

is being a bitch innate or learned? is it from experience or genetic?

i think mine is from experience.

and a little portion innate.

for who could be born without a heart?

even if it is black.

mini mees

i had lunch today with a really good friend of mine and her two kids. amazing kids. a 22 month old toddler who is adorable and sassy and silly and outgoiningly shy. and a 3 month old who is so excited at the possibilities of life and the things that surround him. everything is so new and wondrous to his little blue eyes. those kids make me want to have babies a baby. like right now.

i got to spend individual time with both of them while my friend had her hands full with the other. the toddler told me about the purple star sticker on her hand and then taught me that her eyebrow is above her eye. she was very matter of fact and preferred to drink out of the bottle of water herself rather than have mommy hold it for her. the baby nuzzled my neck and cooed in my ear (and sneezed on my chest :S). he was so mellow and smelled that soft baby smell. and i thought, for the first time without any fear, that i could do this. i could have a baby and care and be responsible. i know things aren't always roses and peaches. i know kids cry and poop and throw up and yell and make big messes and do stupid shit and embarrass you and blame you and all that other shit.

but i think it would be worth it.

Emmess

her attacks are getting worse. the pain in her jaw brings her to tears. the heaviness in her chest will not go away. the nausea and vomiting wakes her from her sleep. her limbs go numb every once in a while. the headaches turn in to migraines which never go away. 'i can't imagine how cancer patients must feel {with this much pain}' she says. it makes her want to be six ten feet under.

the pain.
the fucking pain.
and i can't help her. no medication can fix her.
the medicine to take away the hurt makes her vomit until she has nothing left inside.
the medicine to knock her out into a painless slumber generates an allergic response.
the medicine to fix her does not exist.

my eyes will be wetter than normal for the next little while.
i need as much hope and strength as i can get.
please pray for my mom to feel better.

i need her.

hair so long you can braid it

with summer and a wedding and NHL playoffs* coming up, its time to start really working on the daunting hair removal process for parts of my body that are (usually) covered up in winter.

*instead of growing a playoff beard - cause, eww gross - i am choosing to grow a playoff muff. really hoping the playoffs are over before i start hitting the beach.

i was digging through my rubbermaid tower of beauty products and found some leftover linen strips used for waxing. being uber cheap, i thought i would make my own wax and use up the strips before buying a whole new kit. good idea? you'd think so....

being the expert googler that i am, i searched a bunch of sites for homemade wax recipes, which all seemed to have the exact same ingredients and the same measurements. all it takes is a little water, white sugar and some lemon juice. easy enough. or so i thought.

so i mix the sugar and the water and realized - hey no lemon juice, whatever shall i do? i figured the lemon was just to make it smell nice, so i added a few drops of tea tree oil instead. whilst in my first aid/baking cupboard - cause every first aid incident can be fixed with baking - i saw the food coloring i bought six years ago and have never used. oooo. the wax will look pretty when its blue. in it goes to the sugar and water and tea tree oil mixture.

cook. cook. stir. stir. everything was turning melty and somewhat sticky. it was mega hot though, so i took it off the stove to cool before i dumped the wax on my legs and lady bits. as said wax begins to cool, it started to crystallize. cool if i wanted to make a batch of tea-tree oil flavored suckers. not so cool when you want to make wax to rip out your body hair.

Light-bulb: adding more water will make it better. so i add more water and start to cook it again. it was too liquidy, so i added more sugar. and i left it to cook for a bit. Yay for it starting to become the proper consistency (finally). not so yay for the concoction turning a muddy green-brown. (totally spaced on the fact that when sugar caramelizes it turns from white to brown.... im losing it in my old age, folks)

i did the 'drop a drop of said concoction into cold water to see if it forms a ball' thing that you do when caramelizing sugar. things looked ready, just needed to cool the final product.

off to the couch i go, with the concoction cooling on 3 hot pads on the coffee table, DVR remote in hand, linen strips ready to go and cats sleeping in their tree (they tend to want to be with you during the most messy and awkwardest of tasks, so them being asleep is a major bonus.)

i finished watching Fringe. wax is still steaming. i watched Gossip Girl. wax is still hot. i slightly touch the layer of wax-skin that is forming as it cools. holy fucking hell. it burns worse than the burn i got when i was stirring the wax the first time around (did i mention that part?)

flushed burn under cool water. pouted a bit. continued watching TV. checked wax every 20 minutes and it wasn't cooling down very much. WTF?!?! and because it was taking so long to get to a temperature i could actually withstand, the top of the mixture was starting to crystallize. when i tried to move my spatula - to give things a stir - it wouldnt move. mutha-effer. back to square one.

i ditched the homemade shit wax and added the real stuff to my 'must pick up the next time i am out' list.

lessons learned:

• hot sugar fucking hurts
• i am not good at 'at-home' beauty projects. at all.
  
• sometimes spending $10 on a pre-made jar of wax is totally worth it